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I dread having to reject him

(12 Posts)
byourself Mon 17-Aug-15 07:26:35

Hi
I am lucky enough to have a very nice job with lovely colleagues which more or less makes up for my rather lacking post divorce love life..To cut a long story short I just got an email from a colleague in another department whom I know a little through cross . department drinks which we both irregularly attend. He is a lovely guy but very shy and always pleasant to talk to and makes an effort with everyone which doesn't seem easy for him. So he asked me to go for lunch "as there's something he'd like to discuss" all perfectly polite and respectful. A mutual colleague told me he (the emailer) likes me and wants to ask me out. I am genuinely flattered but just don't feel that way. Apart from anything else he's10+ years younger than me. So assuming he asks me out at lunch I will need to say "no thanks" but without totally destroying him. I do think it takes a lot of guts especially for a very reserved man to put himself forward like this. I don't anticipate him being anything other than a gent as he is genuinely lovely but I just find it so so hard to say "thanks but no thanks". The ironic thing is I know at least 1 other woman younger than me at our work seriously has the hots for him, which is why I don't want him to withdraw into his shell..ideas??

goddessofsmallthings Mon 17-Aug-15 07:55:47

If he asks you out, say you're immensely flattered but you have a rule about not mixing business with pleasure and don't date colleagues/co-workers although you'll be happy to share your lunchbreak with him again (if you are, that is).

Alternatively, you could say you're immensely flattered but you're aware that he's much younger than you and, crazy as it sounds, you wouldn't be able to overcome the age gap as you're accustomed to dating older men, although you'd love to have lunch with again sometime.

This latter excuse may enable you to adopt a motherly attitude towards him which you could use to steer him in the direction of the woman who seriously has the hots for his although, in the interests of sparing her blushes, I suggest you amend this to 'she's said he's someone she'd like to get to know and is hoping he'll ask her out as she's too shy to ask him' - scrub the shy bit if she's a bold as brass gal.

byourself Mon 17-Aug-15 08:53:44

goddess that sounds really good advice. I like the motherly approach . idea. I am surprised tbh not to have seen a thread on this . already but maybe I didn't look hard enough. So am just writing email accepting lunch invite now..still feel like a bloody executioner though ...

goddessofsmallthings Mon 17-Aug-15 09:13:20

The only tricky bit will be looking suitably surprised if he asks you out as you obviously thought he wanted to discuss a work issue or plans for the Christmas party.

If you sort him out with the babe who's got the hot for him, he'll be glad you gave him the chop smile

byourself Mon 17-Aug-15 09:31:46

Well I think I can fake the surprise..goddess you sound like the voice of experience here.Seriously there needs to be a manual on this stuff. Still hope I won't be scooping a broken heart off the lunch table. I would be interested if he were 10 years.older he's a lovely attractive guy

jezestbelle Mon 17-Aug-15 09:59:41

Kind of know where you are coming from. I had a thread on rejection trauma recently. .My suitor went all shy for a while probably licking his wounds. He was a fairly quiet sort anyway though. I think you are being decent thinking of his feelings, have seen some men absolutely mercilessly destroyed by harsh rejections, mainly in my younger days

Smilingforth Tue 18-Aug-15 06:40:41

Good luck - let us know how you get on

YonicScrewdriver Tue 18-Aug-15 06:51:32

Um, if you like him and don't mind about being in the Same job, you could date him despite the age difference?

Good luck either way!

Cabrinha Tue 18-Aug-15 07:31:58

Your mutual colleague could be completely wrong about him fancying you (he's a shy man but not too shy to ask you to lunch - doesn't sound like the type to be blathering to a colleague?) and what he actually wants to do is ask your advice about the other woman who has the hots for him!

Smilingforth Tue 18-Aug-15 07:57:11

Cabrinha is right! We often overthink things! Certainly I do

HexBramble Tue 18-Aug-15 08:08:41

OP you could say that while you are extremely flattered, you just don't want to hurt the lady who's holding a torch for him already.

Smilingforth Tue 18-Aug-15 16:43:07

I'd be flattered in any event!

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