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I'm I driving my self mad!

(20 Posts)
Sillymoo7 Mon 17-Aug-15 01:32:29

Recently I found out my husband had been texting/phoning another woman and this had been going on for a few months, so he tells me. I never seen any of the messages so I had no idea what they were talking about until one day I seen one that said something along the lines of 'I love u, u are my world'. This made me feel so sick we have been married for 9 and a half years and I thought our marriage was fine. I just have every feeling under the sun going though me rite now. He has since moved out as I can't trust him no more and I get the feeling he doesnt want to sort things out that he wants to make a go of it with this other woman to c what he's missing out on. We have a daughter together so we stay in contact for her. Though when he visits he acts like he still wants to be with me but I know he is still talking to this other woman. Well I have been doing a bit of fb stalking and now know who she is I want to send her a message but at the same time don't want to come across as a mad woman. Do I just do my best to forget about it. I know deep down she has prob done me a favour, now I no exactly what my ex is like. But at the same time it's killing me that he can throw away our marriage for some woman he's never even met in person before. He won't tell any of his family the reason for us separating and expects me to keep quiet about it too which is killing me even more that I can't talk to anyone about it in fear they will hate him and my daughter will pick up on it. My head is all over the place angry

goddessofsmallthings Mon 17-Aug-15 06:27:50

It's not a good idea to send the ow a message but you can give her one indirectly by telling your deceitful twunt of an h that you will be petitioning for divorce of the ground of his adultery and will be naming the ow as co-respondent.

Once he reports that back to her and she finds out that being named as co-respondent could result in her having to pay part of the court costs, I reckon she'll get the message that you're not to be messed with. smile

However, you've said that he's never even met her "in person before". If they've yet to meet scrub the above and we'll work out another way for her to get the message without it coming directly from you.

How old is your dd and how often does he come to 'visit'? If these visits involve him coming into your home and staying in it in order to see dd, this has to stop and in future he can collect her at an appointed time, take her to the park/soft play or whatever is age appropriate, and return her at whatever time is agreed between you.

When/if he has his own place, dd can spend every other weekend with him but you must make it clear to him that it won't be in dd's best interests to meet the ow until she has come to terms with him leaving and that could take 6 months or more. How has she reacted to her df having left the family home?

There's no absolutely no reason whatsoever why you should stay quiet about him leaving you and his dd to be with an ow and, for the sake of your own sanity, you need to vent/offload in rl . If his family turns against him, so be it but, as they are presumably all adults, I'm sure they'll be able to prevent any anger or disdain they may feel towards him affecting dd in any way.

At some point you will need to make an appointment with a solicitor who specialises in divorce and family law but as you're still reeling from the shock of your discovery, I suggest you wait until you're feeling more together before doing so, particularly as many lawyers will be on vacation until September.

Do you own your home or are you renting, and has he been contributing to the outgoings and paying maintenance for dd?

flowers for you, honey. You'll get a lot of support here from those who have been, or are going, through the same situation that you've found yourself in through no fault of your own. Be kind to yourself and don't discount getting a short course of anti-depressants from your GP if you feel begin to feel overwhelmed by the abrupt way in which your life has changed beyond recognition from how it was just a few short weeks ago.

Sillymoo7 Mon 17-Aug-15 09:46:37

thank you for your advice. I no sending her a message won't do me any good really. from what he has told me she lives in England we live in ireland that's y he hasn't met her yet. apparently she is paying for him to come over and visit her ( is it just me that thinks it weird for this woman to pay for a man she has never met to come over and stay with her? part of me is worried is he even thinking straight but part of me thinks y should I even care.) what scares me is if things do become serious he is going to move over there and just forget about his daughter and play happy families with her and her 3 kids. I couldn't give a toss where he goes but I have warned him the minute he let's her down I won't be as nice as I have been.
our daughter is 8 so far she seems to b coping well. my ex was off work for the last week as we had planned trips so we continued with them for our daughters sake we seen him almost every day. when he was up yesterday I told him anymore contact he has with me is to be about our daughter only. he can't come here hug and kiss me and mess with my head. he had his chance and choose her now he has to live with it. at the minute he is living with his sister until he has enough money to get his own place. he is continuing to pay some bills instead of giving me child maintenance which is all I ask. I rent my house of the council so financially we r ok.
I hope to not need any medication. I'm a firm beliver that everything happens for a reason and better things r to come for me. I got through my daughter being diagnosed with a disability when she was born and I got though a miscarriage when I was 17 wks we have had some tough times so I think compared to those this should b a walk in the park smile

UptheAnty Mon 17-Aug-15 09:54:23

Any woman who's prepared to pay for a man she hasn't met to come and visit her has huge problems.

Your dh is about to embark on the biggest mistake of his life.

Do not protect him, protect're all you've got now.

Forget him. He's fucked.

Your dc need you.

Sillymoo7 Mon 17-Aug-15 09:55:16

thank you thanks

Jan45 Mon 17-Aug-15 13:03:16

You are right, you should not care, he has now shown you that he isn't at all invested in your relationship, you need to do just as you say, move on, you've dealt with worse things.

Jan45 Mon 17-Aug-15 13:04:31

And don't let him kiss and hug you like he's done nothing wrong, he very much has ended the marriage, it's strictly now conversations about your daughter, that's it, stop being so accommodating.

AnyFucker Mon 17-Aug-15 13:08:49

don't contact OW (she will get her just desperate would you have to be to pay for a man in a relationship to come visit you ?)

however, I wouldn't be keeping this bloke's dirty secrets for him

tell who you like, and tell them exactly why you have split

this stupid bellend has thrown away his family for some person who could be a hairy handed trucker for all he knows...imagine that ?

hellsbellsmelons Mon 17-Aug-15 13:11:48

DO NOT - I repeat DO NOT keep his dirty little secret for him.
Tell everyone you know about what is going on.
You need their support right now so make sure they know what is happening.
I kept my ExH horrible secret for way too long.
He wants you to keep his secret so he can keep his options open.
He's expecting you to take him back when it all goes tits up with the other woman and if people don't know about her then they can't think badly of him.
You owe him NO LOYALTY what-so-ever.
He's not shown you any loyalty or respect.
Get that real life support network in place. You need them and they will want to help.
Honestly - you owe him nothing!

rouxlebandit Mon 17-Aug-15 13:13:44

What a stupid man to abandon his wife and daughter to go and visit a woman he's never met!

Penfold007 Mon 17-Aug-15 13:31:29

As your in Ireland divorce is different from the UK, you have to have been separated for four out of the previous five years. Start the formal separation process, apply for maintenance and formalise access arrangements.

Don't contact the OW but do tell anyone you want to about how and why he has left. Stop him coming into your home as of now. Take control and don't let him call the shots.

Smilingforth Mon 17-Aug-15 15:12:13

How awful. Remember it's got nothing to do with you. My thoughts flowers

Sillymoo7 Mon 17-Aug-15 15:41:26

thanks everyone for the messages of support it means a lot. I was expecting a few people to jump on and say this was my fault I obviously don't make him happy if he has too look elsewhere. so thank you for not saying that smile I'm looking forward too the future now and getting routine sorted when my dd goes back to school then I'll contact the CAB for advice on what to do next. thanks again x thanks

hellsbellsmelons Tue 18-Aug-15 08:35:02

He will tell you that - but don't listen. He will just re-write history. They all do.
Mine didn't for some reason. He had no idea why he did it.
He was happy with me and our sex life was good. There was no excuse. There often isn't. They get an opportunity and they take it.
Selfish knobheads.
Even if he wasn't happy doesn't mean this is OK.
He should have spoken to you first to see what could be done to 'fix' things if they needed that.
I doubt they did though.
He's just a cheating scumbag.
Get onto CAB and your local council ASAP.
You may be entitled to benefits so get them underway soon.
You are now a single parent so you will get discounted council tax. Start saving money where ever you can.
And don't forget to tell everyone what a lying snake he his.

Sillymoo7 Tue 18-Aug-15 09:10:26

that's what it was like for us life was fine and getting better we had made big plans. he can't tell me why this has happen just it had nothing to do with me all him, doesn't help me much. then he goes and phones me last nite just for a chat like everything's fine and messes with my head even more! I could just scream shock

Smilingforth Tue 18-Aug-15 10:27:12

Tell who you want. It's your decision and nobody else's.

Smilingforth Tue 18-Aug-15 10:52:58

But I would only talk if you feel it will genuinely help you ( ie don't do it to get back)

Jan45 Tue 18-Aug-15 12:39:30

Easy fixed, you need to stop letting him mess with your head, why are you not angry?? He is not your friend, stop accommodating him, you owe him FA.

hellsbellsmelons Tue 18-Aug-15 13:19:09

Absolutely agree with Jan45
Don't have a nice 'chat' with him.
If he calls it's kids talk only or you hang up.
You really don't need him messing with your head so don' YOU let him.
You could always get a 3rd party to vet all calls from him.
Or ask him to communicate via text or email only.

Seriously! He's left you to see if he likes the other woman more and you are taking his calls and chatting to him!?
Just stop.

Sillymoo7 Tue 18-Aug-15 15:29:26

I told him last nite I don't want him phoning me for no reason other than our daughter. I don't need to talk to him for any other reason. it's just when he phoned it put that we bit of hope in my head that he was going to beg me to forgive him and all this would just go away. it like my worst nite mare. I'm crazy mad at him for putting us through this and I know that even if he did want to get back I can't take him back as I'll never trust him and he will do it again. it's just going to be hard and I just have to get on with it good days and bad days. today's a bad day sad

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