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Pregnany & found out partner visited 'happy endings' massage parlour

(58 Posts)
Timtoo Mon 17-Aug-15 00:34:15

I am feeling absolutely devastated right now... Last night I found some messages on partners phone and did some research. He has been visiting a tantric masseur in London and paid for 'happy endings'. I'm 28 weeks pregnant and at the time it was just before I got pregnant and for the first three months of my pregnancy. I confronted him this morning and he seems sorry and assures me that it was just during that time. There seems to be no evidence that it happened after. Please help, I'm devastated and feel utter betrayal right now mixed with anger and complete sadness. I feel humiliated. Should I forgive him or leave?

Timtoo Mon 17-Aug-15 00:36:14

I have no placenta previa and I spent the whole day crying and upset, I had a small bleed and although everything is fine I'm in hospital under observation, I feel numb and absolutely crushed right now

Timtoo Mon 17-Aug-15 00:36:36

And sorry for the typos!

shiteforbrains Mon 17-Aug-15 00:41:06

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Timtoo Mon 17-Aug-15 00:43:50

He says that he used to go before he met me and although I feel a little uncomfortable with that, if he did that whist he was single then I can let that go. He said that he had an urge to do it as I wasn't feeling v

Timtoo Mon 17-Aug-15 00:46:48

Oops.... Very sexual. He said it was better than having a relationship with someone else. I've asked so many questions, cried, shouted and have been swearing at him! He assures me that he has not had sex and didn't believe at the time it was cheating. I asked him if I went and did the same would he not consider it infidelity and he now agrees that it is

Timtoo Mon 17-Aug-15 00:48:35

Thank you sfb, I have just sent him home as I can't bear to be near him. He wants me to forgive him and assures me that he won't do it again. I'm not sure if I can ever trust him after this though.

shiteforbrains Mon 17-Aug-15 01:15:52

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lunalelle Mon 17-Aug-15 01:23:52

Let's not mince our words, here. He visited a prostitute. He did this because you were in early pregnancy and, understandably, did not feel very interested in sex.

This man seems deeply misogynistic to me. Not only by paying for sex, but by doing it behind the back of his pregnant gf. I would not want to make a life with such a person.

I feel very sad for you and wish you a big hug.

Balanced12 Mon 17-Aug-15 03:51:03

Sounds like you've had a awful couple of days.

His reason is shockingly shit and says a lot about him, just get rid , you don't need the doubt, pregnancy makes you feel vulnerable, you need someone to support you not place the blame for their being a fuck wit on you flowers

ladybird69 Mon 17-Aug-15 04:01:34

My ex did tho to me when I was pregnant with terrible morning sickness and exhaustion. My daughter was born with heart problems which I blame completely on my ex and the pure hell and stress he put me 'the love of ,his love, his soulmate thru'
He's not a goodun sorry but to be brutally honest you'll be happier on your own and not playing his stupid games. If I knew then what I know now!!!

ladybird69 Mon 17-Aug-15 04:05:45

After 27 yrs 4 children and a shocking miscarriage all with the same 'man' I would have loved to felt loved and cherished. My ex was worse that another bsby/responsibility. I got more love help and support from friends

tallwivglasses Mon 17-Aug-15 08:33:13

He can't blame the lack of sex if the first time occurred before you got pregnant. In fact, it wasn't the first time was it? He feels entitled to pay a prostitute for a 'happy ending' whenever he feels like it. Do you honestly think he'll change? You may not feel like sex for months after giving birth - how will the poor lamb cope then? If you think you can cope with being at home alone with the baby wondering what he's up to every time he goes out with his wallet full of family money - then go ahead, forgive him.

WorzelsCornyBrows Mon 17-Aug-15 08:39:34

Would he forgive you if you wanked off a stranger or would he consider it cheating?

Joysmum Mon 17-Aug-15 10:06:28

So how would he feel if you went to a place on now nervous occasions to visit someone to make you cum? The fact it included a massage isn't relevant.

In fact forget that, this isn't about his boundaries for you, it's yours for his and the fact he knows he's pissing all over them but chooses to do it anyway, it wasn't even a one off!

Fugghetaboutit Mon 17-Aug-15 10:22:58

What's going to happen after you give birth and can't have sex for a bit? Is this his fall back?

I would hate for you to have the stress of recovering from birth/c sec and breastfeeding, no sleep AND having to worry your H is visiting prostitutes.
Only you know if you can handle that. He doesn't sound like he'll change though.

Jan45 Mon 17-Aug-15 11:03:41

So he used the excuse of you being pregnant to go off and have sex with another woman - if you believe there's a good reason for that then you are deluding yourself, he has cheated and probably has been from the start.

I think it's even worse it's a prostitute.

A man is never that horny that he cant control himself and has to go off for happy endings - he did it because he wanted to and doesn't care enough about your relationship to not cheat on you, sorry but that's the bare bones of it, up to you what you do but he wont stop, he will just hide it better. No way to live IMO.

Twinklestein Mon 17-Aug-15 13:13:24


So he was seeing her before you even got pregnant. Nice.

He may well have done it before, and there's nothing to stop him doing it again.

If you don't bin him this issue will run and run.

Junosmum Mon 17-Aug-15 13:24:47

OP, I really feel for you. It's easy for us to say 'he visited a prostitute, sack him off' (which I think is what he did and what you should do). But we aren't the ones who have to do it. I'd certainly want so time away from him, no contact what so ever. To get your head straight.

Him telling you it won't happen again is not reassurance for me. I'd be constantly worried that if I say no, or don't perform he'd go back to that. For me, the sex life would be shot, I'd really struggle to relax, to give myself in that way without feeling under duress.

He can still be a great dad, but for that, he doesn't have to be your partner.

AbbeyRoadCrossing Mon 17-Aug-15 13:36:15

That's awful. I had placenta praevia last pregnancy and was told pelvic rest - no sex. For the safety of the baby and to prevent bleeds. If he can't put his baby and you before his own 'need' for sex, that's awful

Viviennemary Mon 17-Aug-15 13:43:15

I've heard loads of men go to these type of places. If that's true then it's just very sad you found out about it. I don't know if you can put it behind you or not. And lots of men have affairs too that their partners never find out about. Hope things work out for the best.

Junosmum Mon 17-Aug-15 14:01:46

viviennemary - so ignorance is bliss? I don't understand that. It's disrespectful, whether the person knows or not.

Viviennemary Mon 17-Aug-15 14:16:49

I'm not saying it's right. It isn't. But it goes on a lot more than people would like to think. I knew a nice very handsome sociable guy who said he visited prostitutes for a while. He wasn't my boyfriend but I was shocked. He said lots of men do.

Jan45 Mon 17-Aug-15 14:20:20

What's your point Viv, that some men do this therefore accept being treated like shit - that's like saying shoot up cos some men take heroin.

Pointless and really offensive.

Your boyfriend said lots of men do it so it would justify him doing it of course.

When you are in a relationship I'd say respect and fidelity are the most important factors, getting your kicks and spending a fortune paying a woman to strip for you isn't showing any of those characteristics.

Viviennemary Mon 17-Aug-15 14:23:51

Well it's up to the individual what they accept. Lots of people accept being cheated on. Doesn't mean it's right or everyone should. I don't even know what a trantic massage is. I can't see the great harm in a massage even though the OP would prefer her partner not to have gone.

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