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Hadn't admitted to myself that I was unhappy and now it's too late

(9 Posts)
PhyllisStein89 Mon 17-Aug-15 00:26:45

I really don't know what's going on with me and DP. We've been together for about 4 years and had a baby in April this year. I know having a baby often puts a strain on a relationship but I think we were doomed beforehand and now I don't know whether to break up or pretend it's all ok.
We've ways had a lot of arguments and times when we haven't got on, but since I was pregnant we haven't really had a physical relationship, and as a result of that I now feel like we have no connection or closeness, and when we spend any amount of time together we just get on each other's nerves.
It's my own stupid fault because I have felt unhappy for the majority of the time we've been together, but I still loved DP so didn't want to admit to myself that it wasn't the ideal situation.
I haven't told anyone this, and I know how horribly wrong it was, but I think part of the reason I stayed for so long was that I had an abortion a few months after we first got together which I felt he massively pressured me into and which I regretted as soon as it had happened, and since then I wanted that baby back so badly that I stayed in the hope that we would have another baby one day so I could feel like I had the closest thing to the baby I lost. I know that's a terrible reason to stay with someone and an awful, selfish reason to bring a child into the world. There's no excuse for it but I didn't really admit it even to myself that that was why I stayed in the relationship
until after DS was born.
I have a horrible feeling that we shouldn't be together any more but can't bare to break up because I don't want to fight over custody of DS or live separately and then have to let DS go to spend time with DP and his family and not be there to supervise. I've got a horrible feeling that I've got myself into a situation that I haven't actually been happy in for years and now it's got to a point where I can't get out of it and I don't know what to do.
I mean, we used to have a laugh together and really enjoy each orher's company but now I can't remember what exactly we saw in each other as all we seem to do is bicker. We occasionally get on well but it seems like it happens very rarely.
I know how stupid I've been to let it get to this point, I don't need to be told that this is my fault. I just really need some advice or for someone to tell me it's normal to feel like this and that it'll pass. And what I could do to be happy in the relationship again?

PhyllisStein89 Mon 17-Aug-15 00:32:21

I forgot to say, I don't really feel attracted to DP any more either and I think he's gone off me, as I rebuffed his advances until recently (had no libido the first three months after DS was born) and now when I've tried to initiate anything he clearly isn't interested. He told me this evening that it's because I wasn't interested in him for so long.

Apart from the relationship I'm really happy. I love my son and I'm really enjoying being a mother. I'm actually the happiest I've been in years, but I just want to try to do the right thing with regards to DP and don't know what that is.

TendonQueen Mon 17-Aug-15 00:44:47

If you want to get out of it, you can. People do this all the time, even with very young DC. On the cautious side, this stage is often a bad patch to be got through, but then you're saying that it's never actually been all that good. Have you talked to him about how you feel?

PhyllisStein89 Mon 17-Aug-15 00:57:01

Thanks for replying Tendon.
I have hinted at how I feel before but usually during arguments and I've then gone back on it, I suppose because I'm scared of committing to end it sad

Atenco Mon 17-Aug-15 01:08:32

I don't want to ... ...have to let DS go to spend time with DP and his family and not be there to supervise

Wouldn't that happen anyway sometimes even if you stay together?

My dd's been separated from the father of her baby for nearly two years now and they get on great because they both love their child.

MagalyMaman Mon 17-Aug-15 01:13:22

Just accept that the relationship was a mistake (but not your son!)/ People make mistakes. It happens. You shouldn't have to agonise over whether to sit enduring this mistake for another few years or leave now.

Unless you think you and your son's father can plod along unhappily indefinitely then why not leave sooner rather than later!

I left with young kids and it was hard but my only regret was not doing it sooner. I feared I'd regret it. Not sure why I thought that. I doubted myself. I shouldn't have. You will be fine.

Balanced12 Mon 17-Aug-15 03:32:28

If you feel the relationship is over you will make better parents apart, you can't stay with someone to supervise their parenting flowers best for DS to sort sooner rather than later and for yourself.

Ismeyes1 Mon 17-Aug-15 14:34:44

I felt like you. I stayed because of DD who is now 9. We have just separated, and I wish I'd had the guts to do it sooner instead of waiting until I was so depressed and anxious that I felt suicidal.

I'd known for a long time I'd made the wrong choice in marrying him, it got worse and worse until I lost my sense of self worth or self determination.

If you know in your heart of hearts that you are deeply unhappy, then don't just keep it to yourself like I did. At the very least I wish I'd shared how I felt much much earlier.

AcrossthePond55 Mon 17-Aug-15 15:57:06

You will never be completely happy as long as you stay in this situation. You need to take a deep breath, have a talk with your DP, and separate.

Is there a valid reason why you don't want DS to be with DP and his family? Because if there isn't, you are being a bit selfish. My DH took our children to his parents once a week or so without me there 'to supervise'. It was called 'giving Mum a break'. There's nothing wrong with that in the least.

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