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How can I have chosen so badly again for myself and my DDs?

(18 Posts)
HiHoSilver99 Sun 16-Aug-15 23:27:47

I'm feeling completely devastated and like the worst mum ever. I came out of a long term relationship with DD2's dad who is an alcoholic. We lost the house, everything to his drinking. So for 4 years I didn't go on a single date, or couldn't even think about looking at someone else as I was completely worn out and wanted to concentrate on building a new life with my DDs. Then I finally met someone new who whisked me off my feet and was so loving and considerate and amazing with the DDs. We all adored him and he proposed very quickly and moved to our town and bought a house for us all to live in together all within a year.

But when we moved in together he suddenly became withdrawn. My oldest DD was being a stroppy teenager some of the time, but I backed DP up as much as I could. But when DD1 did try and reconnect with him he became sullen and refused to speak to her on many occasions. When she mentioned I was joining an evening club he said "oh your mum can't do that, she's far too busy with the house and family". I really felt that everyone was competing for my attention and it was exhausting. DP works away part of the week and then also spends a night or two at his other house in another town, which is on the market, so he had loads of time to himself.

We've had a very stressful year, with the death of my dad and huge things going on in DP's business, a violent break in at our new house, my exDP falling off the wagon and so being incapable of having the DDs for his weekends etc So I thought this was what was placing a strain on our relationship and I did everything I could think of to try and make things good between us.

Then DP had a heart attack. It was a huge shock and he was found to have extensive coronary artery disease. He had surgery and is due to have another operation in September. When he came home he was (not surprisingly) even more subdued but then just retreated into himself. Over the last few weeks he kept saying how nice his other house was and how relaxed he always feels there, so I asked him if he would rather be there. He was going there that day and just said "I hadn't thought of that, I will think about it while I'm there". Then the next day he came back and said that he had thought about it and yes he was happier there, packed his bags and left within the hour! No discussion nothing.

I wanted to believe that it was the shock of the heart attack that had made him like this but I honestly think it would have happened anyway. I went and spent the weekend with him last week and on the surface we had a wonderful time. He wouldn't talk about the future though, just said " maybe we can have an unconventional arrangement". He's text me every day since, telling me he loves me etc. Then tonight he sends me a text saying he can't live in my town any more as he feels more relaxed in his, that he can't cope with family life and that he wants to have no contact with us for "say 8 weeks" to reflect on things and work out how best to proceed. He also wants to sell the house. So the DDs and I will have to find somewhere to rent. So sorry for rambling on but I'm gutted.

Tryingtokeepalidonit Mon 17-Aug-15 08:39:40

Firstly this is nothing to do with your parenting, I am sure you are a lovely mum. How could you possibly know he was incapable of family life? He is retreating to his 'cave' whilst he comes to terms with his mortality. Experts will come along to explain why but I believe this is quite a common reaction to serious ill health.

But it doesn't sound as if he enhanced your life. Remember you don't have to settle. IMO it is better to be a happy single parent family than unhappy in a relationship. Good luck.

Anniegetyourgun Mon 17-Aug-15 08:46:15

It sounds like he had difficulty relating to family life even before the heart attack, though. It just brought things to a head. He seems to have thought that buying himself a ready-made family was going to be fun, but found out that sometimes it's hard work and has now abandoned this hobby (!).

goddessofsmallthings Mon 17-Aug-15 09:22:45

Aw, honey flowers there is absolutely no way you qualify for the title of Worst Mum Eve, and you wouldn't even qualify for entry to the competition.

It seems that being forced to face his mortality has caused your dp to evaluate his life, and it seems he's opted for a quiet one with as little stress as possible.

You couldn't have predicted this turn of events, but cynical me thinks that it's a shame you didn't marry him when he proposed as you'd have the security of a roof over your head, at least until lawyers had sorted the financial aspects of a divorce and most probably beyond.

You've had more than fair share of unhappy events during the last year, but you now have an opportunity to get a secure home for yourself and your dds through your local council/authority who should be your first port of call before you give consideration to renting privately.

As you are not married to your dp nor are you his tenant, you have no right to occupy his property and he could have you removed at any time - not that I think he'll do that, but it is the reality of your situation.

Your local council/authority has a statutory obligation to rehouse you and your dds and should classify you as homeless because you don't have permission to live where you are and are only able to stay there on a very temporary basis.

However, as they will require proof that this is the case, I would suggest you ask your (ex)dp to write you a letter stating that he does not give you permission to remain in his home and that as he intends to sell the property you are required to leave on or before, say, Monday 24 August
2015 and if you have not complied with this request, he will have you removed forthwith.

Once the council/authority have classified you as homeless, they may offer to house you temporarily in a b&b or similar establishment at which time you can say that your dp has given you an additional week before he removes you from his property and, hopefully, continue in this way until a suitable accomodation becomes available - if you live in an area where there is relatively low demand for social housing this shouldn't take too long.

Also, once you have been accepted on the council/authority's list you can ask to be referred to housing associations and similar organisations who may offer you a property - look around for housing associations in your area and see if they've got any new build going on.

If you get a social housing property you'll at least know that you're not going to have to up sticks again because of men who don't fulfill their promises and you're best advised not to move one in until your dds have flown the nest.

goddessofsmallthings Mon 17-Aug-15 09:25:49

Worst Mum Ever - not Eve who, as far I recall, was a good mum to Cain and Abel.

Smilingforth Mon 17-Aug-15 13:43:54

I'm so sorry - lots of hugs to you. It is not your fault. Repeat it is not your faultflowers

Twinklestein Mon 17-Aug-15 13:49:07

It sounds like he's done you a big favour by ending it without you having the hassle of some long drawn out angst-ridden drama-fest.

However, the house issue is a total bummer, I feel for you and your girls.

But you weren't to know what he'd be like once you lived together. Maybe next time road-test living with the guy before you move in.

Twinklestein Mon 17-Aug-15 18:31:28

I meant before you buy together not move in. ^^

something2say Mon 17-Aug-15 18:36:09

But next time, give it longer than a year....

tunnockt3acake Mon 17-Aug-15 20:38:59

I dont think you have done anything wrong & you have no reason to doubt yourself

I think he feels more comfortable in his own house & town & if he is ill that is probably the best place for him to be. Maybe he enjoys his own space & familiar things around him.

It sounds like he considers house one as his home, rather than the house that you all lived in together

Heart attack & surgery are major events & may have changed his perspective on life
Maybe he feels that he cannot be responsible for you & your children if he is ill ?

When life events occur some people draw closer & some people withdraw

None of us know how long we have...

HiHoSilver99 Mon 17-Aug-15 20:54:04

Thank you everyone, you've made me feel much better.

I really want to believe that it's the heart attack that caused him to withdraw, but all the signs were already there before that. A couple of things that I heard today make me think that actually he has done something similar before.

I wanted to slow things down but he was so convincing and so lovely and so concerned about the DDs. I thought because he was older, he would know his own mind more and not take a decision lightly about our future.

He's text me again today to say his feelings towards me haven't changed but he has realised that family life is just not for him. I'm dreading telling DD2 but will have to do it soon. Today she was telling me that she was designing my wedding dress for next year. sad

Minime85 Mon 17-Aug-15 23:27:03

Sounds like you've been through the mill. flowers

heyday Tue 18-Aug-15 07:58:22

It sounds like the whole family set up was what he wanted but when it actually came down to it he couldn't quite handle it. Family life can be very stressful and even more so if the children are not his.
It is sad but now you have to look to the future.
He has had to re evaluate his own life and now you must do likewise.
Let the dust settle a bit. My friends DP had a major heart attack at age 46 and it totally changed his personality overnight and I am sure this was the final straw for him. He wants a quieter, calmer life and I can't blame him for that but he should have been more sure before he rushed into moving in with your family. Sadly, what's done is done and you have to look forward now.
Could it be an option that you rent the house from him? Could it be be that you continue the relationship at some stage but you live separately? There are lots of things to try to work out here. You have been unlucky. You both need to communicate. The main thing now is to ensure that you and DC have a home. We all live and learn. Hopefully this can be resolved in a friendly, caring way. Neither of you have done anything wrong but it's just not worked out as planned.

Smilingforth Tue 18-Aug-15 08:04:41

My thoughts are with you; this is very hardflowers

Dowser Tue 18-Aug-15 09:04:54

I can't help but feel very sad for all of you. what should have been a golden future has turned sour for everyone.

Don't beat yourself up that you have chosen badly because there's nothing you've told us to suggest that this man was anything but a nice man.

Has your man not had children. You mention that he's older . Have his children flown the nest or did he have none at all.

If its the second scenario then I can imagine its been a difficult adjustment to make and can understand how he liked to have his escape route to tunnel out of back to his other house.

He liked the idea of setting up home with you but the reality has been very different. He would have liked you all to himself I guess and I get the impression rather than share you with your daughters he decided to have none of you for a couple of days and when you add on the days he worked away I wonder how much he was really in the relationship.

Then he got Ill and that really upset the apple cart. I think there can be a future for you but maybe if you live separately. That's if you want that because it's time for you to decide what you want.

Him leaving and having 8 weeks to think about it will also help you to get clear on what sort of a future you want for you and your daughters.

For the record my oh never had children and him moving in when my children were at home would not have worked. It works for some but not everyone. I know it would not have worked for us.

Look after yourself . Do what is right for you . I'm sure this must be so painful for you at the moment. Especially with losing your dad so recently too

Do you still have your mum. Have you got plenty of RL support?

QuiteLikely5 Tue 18-Aug-15 09:17:45

Have you thought about considering an arrangement where his permanent home is in his own town?

If family life isn't for him then this could work

How old are your DC?

ShitHappens1 Tue 18-Aug-15 12:38:16

If things aren't ending on bad terms and actually he doesn't want to end but doesn't want to live with you, this may still work. His feelings towards you haven't changed. Could you rent his property from him to save a house move? You might be entitled to housing benefit being a single parent.

HiHoSilver99 Tue 18-Aug-15 12:55:46

Dowser - I could maybe have gone with the idea of having a break for 8 weeks if he hadn't have wanted to put the house on the market in 2 weeks time. I couldn't do that without having a plan for the DDs and my future and knowing what to tell them. His children are grown up and have children of their own. They see him for an hour every couple of weeks and aren't particularly close. I know his daughter didn't invite himto her wedding but I never really found out why.

QuiteLikely - they are 7 and 16.

Heyday - there isn't an option to rent the house from him. He wants to sell as soon as possible. He has another house that he is building next door to his and he wants the money to proceed with that. Also since the break-in DD1 hates being in the house alone so it wouldn't make sense to rent it from him.

I would love to think that he will be a changed man once his next surgery is over and that we could have some kind of relationship together but I have to see the facts for what they are. He's refused to discuss any of this in person, it's all been by text and not once has he asked how the DDs are coping. We were already spending 3-4 nights apart each week so I wouldn't be left with much if we reduced it further. To be honest I would feel like I imagine a mistress must feel, alone most nights and just waiting for a few crumbs to be thrown our way when he's bored or at a loose end.

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