Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Ex arrived to get our DD angry & possibly a bit drunk, wouldn't leave when I asked him to...Don't know how to deal with this situation..(16 Posts)
I left my DD (1y.o)'s Dad..got myself organised & got the strength, 1 month ago. . 2 months ago he was physically violent to me (grabbed me hard and threw me onto the bed, twice. we were having a misunderstanding/disagreement in the middle of the night). He wouldn't say sorry for the whole next day, and blamed me for making him angry. He eventually did a watered down apology but has since in therapy totally dismissed it as a non-event 'What, I just moved you onto a soft bed..' and also made jokes about Domestic Violence...!? This is what made me leave him..Seeing him make false apologies and have no remorse.
I think he may have some mental health issues..I am pretty sure he is bipolar and he is aware of it too but won't see GP and won't take meds or get diagnosis...doesn't trust them and doesn't want to leave himself at the mercy of the mental health services. He thinks he manages it ok...he is aware of his 'cycle' that he has had for 10 years or more...But still takes drugs sometimes at parties and smokes weed regularly. This is one of the things we argued about as I tried to get him to stop doing this. Sometimes he is balanced and normal and lovely. Anyone you ask would tell you his is so nice & friendly & great with kids, a great guy...But I am the closest person to him (3 years together) and I have seen his other sides. Any sign of stress or vulnerability on my part or too many responsibilities placed on him & he flips out. When he is - as I would describe 'hypomanic' - for months on end especially in the summer...he has boundless energy & goes a million miles an hour, has a tendency to party too much etc, but he also is very irritable, snaps and has a bad temper. Cannot handle stress. I only really saw the full extent of this when I was pregnant with our DD. I hoped he would change or address his mood issues when DD was born. Wrong. Foolish of me. Things got way worse.
Anyway...since we have been having therapy, and my DD is sleeping through the night, and I feel stronger, I said I wanted to separate. He moved out to his Mum's (until my new flat is ready), he has been Mr. Super Nice Guy and offering me loads of help, saying he wants to make sure I am comfortable with everything & he wants everything to be calm and settled for DD and he thinks everything is 'going to be ok' like this. He was doing this being ridiculously nice and respectful and accommodating for a few weeks, then on Wednesday he turned up to look after DD for the afternoon whilst I went to the supermarket and to spend time with her & he was visibly stoned. We had previously agreed, at my request, that he was not to see her when he had been smoking & getting stoned. He agreed, gladly, saying he wanted me to feel comfortable and trust him. He promised that wouldn't happen. (Would have been nice if he could have done that in our relationship!) Anyway, he turned up stoned...I was very calm but told him that was unacceptable & said "I don't know why you've done this, you've really shot yourself in the foot...it's stupid and it's creates mistrust where there doesn't need to be any" He was actually really apologetic and sheepish for once and said 'You're right I'm really sorry, it won't happen again, I only had a couple tokes on my brothers joint and he had made it really strong & I didn't realise, it was a couple hours ago' blah blah blah excuses.
So this afternoon, when he came this afternoon to take her out, he stank of smoke, like he'd literally just been smoking loads or been at a party...his clothes reeked. Maybe just cigarette smoke though I don't know. I think he had just been at the pub as he said he had been watching the football. I was quite oversensitive about it and said 'You stink of smoke?!' and he immediately snapped and said "Oh shut up I don't even want to hear it!" in front of DD ! I said please don't speak to me like that..you seem very angry..I'd like you to leave please" He refused to leave and grabbed DD out of my arms !! I didn't hold onto her as I didn't want her to be pulled so I just loosened my grip on her so it minimised the effect of the grabbing. I then said "You've just grabbed my baby out of my arms, what is wrong with you?" "please give her back to me and leave now" He refused and started having a go at me saying "I've done everything you've asked, I've done everything for you and still you're trying to pick a fight ! YOU should leave, this is MY house!" I said I don't want him looking after DD when he's like this and please can he leave ! Obvs DD is witnessing all this & was upset !
I then said right I am calling your Mum (she lives very close) or the police...or you leave, which will it be?. He walked out into garden with DD to distract her/cheer her up as she was crying. I called his Mum and she was useless but it gave me a chance to hand him the phone so she could talk to him, and at this point I got him to give DD to me. Then he was still shouting at me whilst on phone to his Mum. He hung up on her & I said please, please leave and go & calm down. He was right up in my face, even with DD on my hip. I turned her away from him and angled my hip away from him so he couldn't reach her and I backed away from him and said 'please go I don't want her to see you being like this with me !' He then left but smashed and kicked/slammed both doors on the way out screaming "Fucking bitch I can't believe you're doing this, fucking bitch!!" So loudly so the whole street/upstairs neighbours could surely hear. He was obviously very upset as was looking forward to seeing DD and felt I was witholding her from him, but I didn't want to let him look after her when he was obviously like a coiled spring, so angry etc. Especially given his history. I felt it was right to say no I'm sorry you're upsetting me please leave.....Was I being too harsh??
After he left I was really shaken and upset but pretended I wasn't & DD then wanted to breastfeed for like 30 mins.. I think she was really unsettled. I just let her nurse as long as she wanted & just took time to breathe and calm down. Then me & her had a very normal dinner time, bath time etc & she was happy & relaxed again. Thank god for breastfeeding !!
I have been texting his Mum but not him...I don't know what he's doing or where he's gone. I told his Mum she needs to help him get help because otherwise I will have no choice but to get police involved/limit his contact with DD. Told her his behaviour is completely unacceptable. She tells me he is just very stressed and heartbroken & he is not a violent man but he has his limits. That I should try and remember the joy I felt when I first met him & concentrate on our lovely daughter. Absolutely no help whatsoever. She's probably over there soothing him right now telling him he did absolutely nothing wrong.
I have called my Dad and he is driving up to London tomorrow to help me with DD and help me pack so I can go and stay with him in the countryside for a while. I can't bear to be here living in his house if he's coming and doing things like this !
I don't know whether this is the right thing to do, whether I should report him, or whether I should talk to him, get mediation, stop him seeing DD altogether, I don't know ?! I don't know what to say to him but I know I feel slightly afraid & like I don't know how things have gotten so out of control and how he seems so unable to take responsibility for his actions or make a change in his life.
oohh eepie - how awful for your & your dd. I think it's very wise of you to visit your dad for a while. I'm not an expert on this sort of situation and I hope someone with more experience will be along soon.
Your priority is you dd - your ex is just that your ex. His drug addiction isn't your problem - if he turns up again stoned / drunk / violent / whatever - call 999 not his mum.
Unstable violent stoner with an enabling mother? Police in the morning, 999 if he comes back. No more contact unless ordered by the court. Get a non-mol and listen to your fear.
report the threatening behaviour to the police on 101. ask to speak to the local dv officer for advice.
Thanks DPotter...yes I just feel instinctually I want us to be away from him for a bit so he can get his head together. I don't think he was stoned...I think he had just had a fag or a few fags as smelt very recent/strong but it just put me on red alert because of what happened on Wednesday..I could have said something more sensitively but even though I was accusatory, he totally snapped immediately & seemed very suddenly VERY angry, volatile etc.
I have no proof that he had been at the pub but he often goes to the pub to watch the football and he could have had a pint or two on a Sunday. This may have contributed to him snapping I guess. Anyway. He wasn't in a good state to look after DD. I didn't feel comfortable with him taking her after he had snapped at me like that in front of her & not listened to me when I told him he was upsetting me (& DD!) & asking him to leave.
Exactly what disgrace said. Police, non-mol order, let him go through courts for supervised contact. He won't change.
I've got an ex like this. This shit has been going on for nearly 10 years. I use the legal system to protect us, have moved house, changed countries, he's followed me, we are moving again, non-mol in place, kids schools changed. It's a nightmare. He's got several convictions where I've pressed charges and that's what keeps us safe. Report everything.
I just know he is going to poison every one we know against me if I do that.... Everyone thinks he is such a 'nice guy' and I think it will make people think I am 'neurotic' or 'dramatic' and they won't believe me and then it will give him even more reason to tell himself that it's ME and not him. Even more reason to not look at his own behaviour. I really do want him to sort himself out for DD's sake as she loves him & he adores her (although obvs not enough to respect her mother). I think NC whilst I go away to the countryside to stay with my Dad will speak volumes... I will tell him once we are gone that he needs to seek help and show me proof of that if he wants to see his DD on his own again. He will need to have supervised visits only ? Does everyone think I need to report to 101 or can I handle this on my own? What will they do if I report to 101 ? The more I think about him having the nerve to grab DD off me the more angry and upset I get. How dare he. She deserves so much better. I have phoned a couple of my closest friends who know the situation this evening and they were both appalled at his behaviour and couldn't believe he'd done that but they couldn't give me much advise because they didn't know what would be the best thing to do...
Also what do I say to him about us leaving to as not to further anger him/give him more of a case in his view that I am a bitch taking his daughter away. I think as long as he has this story to tell himself, he will keep blaming me & being in denial about his own mood/temper problems.
Please don't minimise what he's done and start blaming your attempt to protect your child. You did everything right.
Great that your going to your dads. Report what happened and cut all contact. He can apply for access. He's an abusive prick. Hopefully he'll have only supervised access.
If he knows the address of your new home, do not answer the door to him. Call the police.
Yes report it... My Ex strangled me while my DS was in my armswhen he was 6 months old..My Ds was so upset he was sick.. So I know how that feels..
Yes get it reported.
Contact now is contact centre...
You did not create this he did by turning up stinking of drugs. ( my Ex did this too)
The niceness I am sorry to inform you is about him trying to get his own way..I was told abusers do the minimum to get there partners back in line..
Hopefully staying with your Dad will help you get your head straight x
starlight I am so sorry to hear that, it sounds horrific ...to clarify he did not stink of marijuana smoke, just cigarette smoke really but my immediate reactions was like 'you stink of smoke?!' and got defensive as I was over sensitive because of what had happened earlier in the week. But he could have just been like "yes, don't worry I just had one fag I'm not stoned...it's all cool" and reassured me. I think I was rightly a bit hyper-vigilant about it considering what we've been through in our relationship and what he's like... But his reactions was just so explosive and he was so quick to say something vitriolic ..in front of DD...'Shut up I don't even want to hear about it" in such a horrible way...it escalated so quickly. I don't even know where his head was at for him to react in such a way & speak to me like that in front of DD. She has just started talking, she has over 20 words and she repeats everything we say. She spends the majority of her time with me, still breastfeeding, still very attached to be and we have a very close bond....to see her beloved Dad speaking like that to her Mum, & giving off that aggressive, angry energy, I am sure even at 1 year old it affects her. When we went to the countryside before when we first broke up...she was so much calmer, she was less clingy to me, less tantrums. Then since we've got back to London I think she can sense my stress (even though I do my best to not let her see) and she has been more clingy again. He's directing all his anger and frustration at me (and now indirectly she is being affected too) instead of realising the consequences of his own behaviour and choices.
I do remember your previous thread.. My ex also smoked cannabis..It made him paranoid aggressive. He also had Mh problems. ( we seem to have a lot in common)..At contact I would always try and do a mini scan as I left my Ds with him and Mil ( although that faled in the end as she couldn't tell me the truth about her DS)
I think you are well within your rights to insist on Supervised contact.
As for his mum.. She will always defend her DS ( I kind of liked it in my ExMil) however what I couldn't get my head round was that she couldn't consider the needs of her grandson as at least equal importance if not more as he was a baby who couldn't speak for himself. Next time call the police.
We moved to a refuge the first night in the refuge despite me and my 10 month old sharing a bed as they had run out of cots ( I didn't leave when he strangled me) the first night I saw him physically relax and he had the best night sleep in months ....
If you don't report this then he will get unsupervised contact very easily.
Report it asap. Show the police this thread. Explain your fears and then get a non-molestation order.
Your baby is a vulnerable small person who depends completely on you to keep her safe from this man. Please, please keep on with the sterling efforts you're making and protect her by reporting. If you don't, it's his word against yours if he goes to court - and sadly some mothers do lie to block an ex from the child. You need it recorded contemporaneously.
I would also ask the upstairs neighbour, if on reasonable terms, for a statement of what they have heard.
Oh, and it is depressing, how often a mother who insists her son has an arse made of gold is in the picture with abusive men. Seems a consistent thread on these sorts of posts.
My ex was like this and I so wish that I had gone to the police much sooner than I actually did. I echo the advice of others (police in the morning and a non-mol order). I'd might also be worth seeing a solicitor to find out about residence, just in case.
You were right on defending your child as you did.
My dgd was two months old when her father held her in his arms while he screamed at her mother. They split up and for the next two weeks the baby cried like she was angry. She is now a reasonably placid two-year-old, I hate to think how she would be if they had stayed together.
From what I read on mumsnet it is good to report this incident to the police so that there is a record of it, in case he takes you to court to have unsupervised contact with your dd.
Join the discussion
Please login first.