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How to get over DP walking out

(18 Posts)
SrAssumpta Sun 16-Aug-15 19:43:08

This really isn't as serious as many issues on here but it's thrown me completely.

DP walked out, pretty much completely out of the blue last week. We've been together for 7 years but in that time we split up for a year- a mutual decision and I thought (and we both often said) that we came back stronger than ever.

Just days before he left he was all lovey dovey, we were planning trips with DD (4), out with his family as a very much in love little family. His reasons were that we were fighting too much -this isn't true at all actually- and he treated me with extreme coldness in the days afterwards which hurt me the most as this person was really my best friend.

For that reason I would never be able to have him back, I think I could have "made him stay" the night he left but I couldn't have gone to bed beside someone who didn't want to be with me.
My issue is that I'm afraid how I'm going to take this. Straight afterwards I was in a dreadful state and had to go to the doctor, friends have been truly amazing, he still sees DD and has her overnight in his mother's house.

I've been flying all week after the initial shock, thrown myself into redecorating, having fun with DD, work and looking after my friendships but I'm worried I'll have very bad days. Coming home to an empty house after work yesterday (DD was with him) made me feel so bitter, angry and sad that I not only having to deal with the person I've spent the majority of my twenties loving, turning out to be a completely different person but also having to deal with DD being away some nights. This is only fair though as she loves her dad but I don't want to get consumed by hate and I'm terrified how I'll react/feel when another woman comes along (if there isn't one already)

When we were apart for the year, this is the thing that really shook me up.

I'm really just looking for tips for those low days and how to deal with all of this in a sane and rational way.

InTheBox Sun 16-Aug-15 20:07:34

I'm so sorry this has happened. You're still in shock and running on adrenaline. Do you know where he has walked out too? Presuming you're still in the family home.

Feelings of bitterness, rage and sadness are natural and you will encounter a whole host of other emotions as you get through this. The certainty is that you will. You are doing the right thing wrt keeping yourself busy, redecorating and getting back in touch with friends.

Take care of yourself, the hardest times for me were as you say coming back to an empty house and loneliness at night. flowers One day at a time, one day at a time.

Myturnnow4 Sun 16-Aug-15 20:46:20

flowers I'm new to this too, 7 weeks today. Things that have helped me:

Saying 'yes' to (nearly) every invitation of social interaction.
Exercising.
Crying when I need to cry. Ditto screaming and this other weird noise that is like a primeval howl.
Living life one hour at a time and planning something for each hour.
Keeping a journal of my moods. This helps me in two ways. Firstly when I'm low I can see that no low lasts forever. Secondly it helps me identify phases that I'm passing through.
I have a daily to do list that includes things like, "shower" and "eat" smile

I am so sorry for what you're going through, I wouldn't wish this living hell on anyone.

WallyBantersJunkBox Sun 16-Aug-15 21:20:03

365 days today for me op!

After forgiving and forgiving and forgiving the most sociopathic, narcissistic and gaslighting behaviour for 10 years, never mind bankrolling the twat, his final hissy fit last year was enough.

It was a drama filled walk out, made to make me beg him to stay. I calmly put my hand out for the key, after watching him pack three large bags (with much stomping about upstairs while out son was sleeping after his first day back at school) told him if he walked now he wasn't coming back and quietly locked the door behind him.

There is a change curve following anything like this...give yourself time to move through each phase. Speak to a counsellor if you can, speak to your doctor if you need to. I'm not advocating this but my doctor prescribed sleeping pills for a month as I was pacing the floor at night worrying.

I leant on friends like I never have, I told them things that I never did, they helped me no end. I took the help.

At the same time period I lost my job, my health and ended up single in another country where I didn't speak the language.

I made it op. There is still stuff to iron out, still a divorce to finalise and money to organise. But, I'm there. I have lost a shit load of angst, mistrust, and sadness.

Make lists of the things that need to be sorted to finalise this relationship - bills, bank accounts etc. get them sorted and don't dwindle. It really helps to cut out those things (even a joint statement or letter in his name would bring out the anger or sadness in me)

Write a list of the shit things he did and read it when you wobble.

Fill your time, increase your social activities, get out of the house, walk to clear your head, exercise the anger out, howl like a moose, scream like a banshee, cry into a pillow.

Think about your positive abilities and assets and push them. I lost 15 kilos, I wear the things I like to wear, I wear makeup, make myself look good and feel good. I changed things in the house to the way I wanted, I enjoyed friends company without him overshadowing me, I enjoyed being the centre of attention at dinner, my jokes not his, my interests not his...

When I had to have nights in alone I preplanned - bought some treats, new nail varnish for my toes, nice snacks and a film I wanted to watch. Arranged a Skype with friends overseas and put the world to rights.

You can do this, be kind to yourself. I wish you all the best in the world op. thanks

SrAssumpta Sun 16-Aug-15 21:42:39

Thank you all so so much.

Really brilliant tips. I just want to keep texting him and asking WHY? When did he start feeling unhappy, did he stop loving me, how can he do this on a whim?

I won't but it's really difficult not to and I've arranged with a friend to send her a particular symbol and she'll reply telling me how badly he's treated me and how many chances he's had to put things right and change all this, how coldly he treated me when I was begging him to just answer the phone to me etc. I've done the desperation and begging (and I wish the ground would swallow me up when I think about it) I just can't understand how he seems to have been in a different relationship to me, I honestly felt very lucky every day for how far we've come. We made each other laugh a lot, always had interesting conversations, family days out and nights out as a couple. I'm just so confused and I feel like he's a fraud.

Myturnnow4 Mon 17-Aug-15 06:57:16

There's so much you're saying that I can relate to Assumpta but it sounds as though you've got your head screwed on tight. I'm not ashamed I begged. I'm glad that I can think now that I tried everything.

SrAssumpta Mon 17-Aug-15 12:57:57

I feel a lot better today, there's a lot to be said for a good nights sleep!

myturn I actually think you're right, if I hadn't really tried then I'd be riddled with regrets thinking I could have done things differently but truthfully I couldn't have and because of that I know 100% we will never work.

The rose tinted glasses are off now, for the moment anyway and it feels great. I don't know how I'll ever trust a man when he seems to be happy again but that's not really important right now.

My work has suffered a little bit (possibly just in my own head) but I've put things right today so that feels like a small achievement as I now need to work more than ever!

I had contemplated giving up work in September and trying to find something else- how foolish! I've always worked and supported myself (and him when he was long term unemployed!) so I can't believe how foolish that would have been and how supportive he was of the idea!

WallyBantersJunkBox Mon 17-Aug-15 13:09:34

Glad to hear you sounding positive sweet.

Of course you tried as hard as you could...you are a warm rational human being with a heart rather than swinging brick.

It is hard to trust again. I was deceived in the worst kind of ways. But I'm with someone else now who is so open hearted, patient, trustworthy and kind. I never imagined I would do this again. I never imagined there were men like him in the world after my STBXH.

Everyday I get my emotions and heart back on an even keel. He doesn't rush me at all. It's sweet, and very lovely and it's what I deserve because aside from my sarcastic tongue (wink) I've always been a very caring person.

You never know what's around the corner, but sometimes it can be very wonderful.

Myturnnow4 Mon 17-Aug-15 16:59:58

I don't know how I'll ever trust a man when he seems to be happy again but that's not really important right now. Are you me??

My work has suffered a little bit (possibly just in my own head) but I've put things right today so that feels like a small achievement as I now need to work more than ever! Are you sure you're not me?

I feel a lot better today, there's a lot to be said for a good nights sleep!
Yes, see also "eating some food".

Myturnnow4 Mon 17-Aug-15 17:01:28

Great post Wally, I live in hope that some day in the future I'll be able to tell a similar story.

Another thing (that I read here in the last day) is the concept of the "Change curve". Just putting that in to Google images has been very helpful.

WallyBantersJunkBox Mon 17-Aug-15 17:04:47

Yes but remember everyone takes their own time to get through a change curve, however there are questions and tips you can go over with yourself to help you get to the next stage when you are ready.

And anger is great for short term release, but not for long term peace and a productive life.

Oooh look how zen I sound today! That was not me 366 days ago! grinsmile

Myturnnow4 Mon 17-Aug-15 17:41:27

Yes but remember... What do you mean? confused Why are you under the impression that I'd forgotten something?

WallyBantersJunkBox Mon 17-Aug-15 18:16:06

Err nope. I have had to use the change curve a lot with my teams in work, and while it's very useful it's also important to realise that people move through different parts of the curve at different time lengths. It can be frustrating when you think you should be in a place and you're not, you have to be kind to yourself.

Sorry if you took offence to my wording. I was only trying to offer my experience in a personal and work scenario, with myself and with others.

Smilingforth Mon 17-Aug-15 19:03:29

The shock takes time ( weeks and sometimes months I'm afraid) but you get there. Good luck flowers

SrAssumpta Tue 18-Aug-15 09:30:42

Thank you all so much, every insight really helps.

I'm feeling really good today and yesterday was a great day too!

myturn you're so right about having a "time to eat", I'm ashamed to say I've only eaten about 5 times since this happened.
It's really odd how really wonderful women seem to be literally into my life from out of nowhere, the other manager who works with me but on completely different shifts-who I had only met 3 times and actually butted heads with- dropped in for something on my first day in after all this and I immediately broke down and spilt my guts to her and she took over my shift. The following day she had left a lovely gift for my daughter and yesterday she popped in and she made me come for lunch so I had a goat's cheese salad and felt so much better for it!

Some play date mams have been incredible, one gave me flowers, another friend turned up at my doorstep with food the day it happened in case I wasn't eating. I've honestly never felt so grateful I never really realized how many truly great people I have around me, I always felt like he was my main person because I haven't much in the way of family but it seems like I just made it that way!

I've also booked a ticket for a day trip with a single women group thing to a beautiful place I have always wanted to go but always waited for him to have some motivation to come!

zizilee Tue 18-Aug-15 12:54:32

Ironically it is 4 years to the day that my then husband of over 12 years left me by text with no proper explanation. Though he is still controlling lies about his income you name it I am fundamentally very happy and content with my life, took almost a year but have very little contact and the children are happy when with me and my fantastic partner of 3 years......you will get over it and come out the other side even though it doesn't feel like it just now smile x

WallyBantersJunkBox Tue 18-Aug-15 14:59:57

Your friends seem lovely, I always think on the saying "what you sow..."

Myturnnow4 Tue 18-Aug-15 20:54:44

I too have been amazed by the kindness of strangers and friends. One thing I've gained from this is some really loving friendships and the knowledge of how to be a good friend. I never realised how powerful a small gift of a bunch of flowers could be.

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