Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Just ended relationship .. Feel pants

(26 Posts)
chablisfan Sun 16-Aug-15 18:39:18

just broke off year and half long distance relationship . Feel it right thing to do under circumstances but overwhelmed with sadness it ended up this way . Feel scared. I did it by text as have tried to speak with him for 3 days but every time I ring he says " hi .. You are on loud speaker my brother/ friend is here "

Background is stood by him as he was separated ( living apart ) from his ex wife when we met and sorting out divorce . I agreed to remain in background for a while til he has settled shared care agreement of dc,s
It dragged on and on and I got jealous of ex as he kept on cancelling plans with my ds and I so she didn't find out about me and "get spiteful "and I ended up feeling like the other woman. I would never get involved with a married man .

It was a hard horrible time and I faced a lot of bitchiness from mums at school as he had ( by weird twist of fate ) worked with one of my ds school dads and story got turned into Chinese whisper .

Now he has his divorce ( 2 weeks ) . The point at which we were going to be together and ds and I move to be with him ... Yet he has done a total u turn and has spent 2 weeks saying he questions our future as I got so upset about the ex wife and that he doesn't know if he wants to get committed again and is " confused"

He says he loves me , there is nobody else blah blah but doesn't see why we " can't be together without commitment or expectation "
This is the guy who begged me not to leave him through his divorce , who my ds thinks world of. Who told me he loved me .

Just came back from week away with him and his dc ( adorable ) and my ds and he met my parents who finally accepted him and were lovely to his dc. We went in separate beds because of his dc which upset my ds as he is used to the opposite and I think bought back the end of my marriage to his dad.
It worked well during day but in evenings he just got drunk and treated me like a holiday buddy

I felt his ex should be told about me before we went away with kids. Of course they told her ( ages 7 and 5 ) as I allow nail polish on girls etc and he told me triumphantly how good it felt to tell her " none of your business .. If she lives with me you get to meet her " I was heartbroken to be suddenly in the non serious camp .

He says he feels let down too As he gave his ex a huge pay off to try and speed up proceedings in order to be with me but my getting angry with him over cancelled plans ( a year and a half of cancelled plans ) and his making me hide when I went to visit his home as she lives near has led to his " cold feet "

It's been a horrible roller coaster at times
I do love him so so much but am not prepared to be casual or step back having waited so long.

We looked at properties together
Schools for ds
Read books on how to help his kids with divorce .
He met my ex

He hasn't even read my text he is so busy celebrating his divorce .

He says he feels emotionally unsupported by me because he can't " share his commitment fears " with me

Does he realise I have feelings too ?
I am heartbroken

holdyourown Sun 16-Aug-15 18:43:27

You did the right thing. He sounds selfish and uncaring. You deserve so much more. Be kind to yourself. It will get easier flowers

Guiltypleasures001 Sun 16-Aug-15 18:45:55

Oh lovely he sounds like an emotional vampire all take and no give. It might be he thinks you've served your purpose and now he's free so to speak. The last thing he might now want to do is settle down again.

If that's the case then he has somewhat lead you up the garden path and that's cruel and devious. thanks

chablisfan Sun 16-Aug-15 18:46:03

And for flowers
Why don't men get the flowers thing
It's so simple
He is being selfish
But he never used to be when his divorce was " keeping us apart "
Was love and airline tickets and Diy all the way then

It's just this u turn ?
It's so rapid

pocketsaviour Sun 16-Aug-15 18:46:22

I'm sorry, that really sucks. You have done the right thing though flowers

Well done on not taking any more of his bollocks.

bluespitfire Sun 16-Aug-15 18:48:32

I think you know you've done the right thing, but just in case you aren't sure you really have done the right thing. From your OP I can read how difficult this has been for you flowers

It seems that you have been fair, kind and done more than enough to make things work. He doesn't come across well so congratulations on ditching him, he sounds like a selfish dead weight who would have dragged you down.

With that in mind concentrate your energy on doing things to make yourself feel better.

Guiltypleasures001 Sun 16-Aug-15 18:52:11

Op while he was still married or connected to her, he could keep,you at arms length, now he's a commitment phobe whos been ripped off by a woman, hence huge payoff bla bla

He now finds himself free and the expectation is to commit to you, he's got cold feet so it might seem. Sorry your so hurt, at least you might have dodged a bullet , and it was pretty shit to get close to your d's as well, I've start getting angry cause that bit alone would have me pushing the nuclear button.


chablisfan Sun 16-Aug-15 19:07:04

It pushed my nuclear button too
That's why I got so cross and shouted in past
We arranged Xmas together with my ds and his dc then he cancelled cause she hadn't signed divorce shared child care agreement. Same for Easter. Then holiday in July .
He works from here so has been at mine a lot ( we live in different parts of UK )
I ended up going away with him a lot when he is working and my mum babysitting so he could go be with his dc on his time off without their mum knowing bout me .

Now he cites that getting cross as reason for his withdrawal
He sent me a message saying I had " spoilt his day out and he hadn't ( engaged in hobby ) all summer because of time spent with me "
He says I am being " melodramatic "

He defended me on Facebook ( yes we are 12 ) and then sent me a friend request !!

TRexingInAsda Sun 16-Aug-15 19:17:01

You've done the right thing (as you know) he is a knob and doesn't deserve you. x

theredjellybean Sun 16-Aug-15 19:24:04

oh thats sounds just awful
you have done the right thing
i hate to say it but sounds like you were an exit affair ...even if you did meet him when he was separated. Now he has freedom he realises he can see anyone he likes...the world seems full of women to him and he is using the excuse of you being cross to not have to be the bad guy and break it off with you. He must have known you were expecting the relationship to take next step once he was divorced so he is wriggling as hard as he can not to look bad but frankly he doesn't want that next step as he thinks he is going to be young free and single and woohooo fest !
I think you have been used OP and it sucks.

chablisfan Sun 16-Aug-15 19:25:26

Reeling here at my own bravery
Any tips for days ahead gladly welcomed
Am in shock and wine open
Feel old and on shelf and like an old used bag of spuds

chablisfan Sun 16-Aug-15 19:26:44

By the way red jelly bean ... Am not being nasty but he isn't brad Pitt

theredjellybean Sun 16-Aug-15 19:29:12

oh thats so funny....
try to picture him in new too young for him trendy clothes trying to chat up young pretty girls in too trendy for him bar....hopefully that might make you smile a bit through tears...cus sure thats what will happen.

theredjellybean Sun 16-Aug-15 19:30:28

and i know you were not having an affair, but your story is sadly very very familiar from the infidelity/other woman forums .
it happens over and over

holdyourown Sun 16-Aug-15 19:31:16

Be sure to eat and sleep properly. Fix up some things to look forward to - seeing friends/cinema trip/facial or whatever things you like. Pamper yourself,little treats, bar of choc, nail varnish etc. Come back on MN to if you start wavering. Maybe do a bit of exercise too - running, start a new hobby, listen to inspiring music. brew

holdyourown Sun 16-Aug-15 19:32:34

Oh and also, write a list of his 'bad points' maybe on your phone, and look at it/add to it as necessary wink Delete his number/email.

theredjellybean Sun 16-Aug-15 19:34:27

sorry should make clear that OP should imagine her ex getting right royally laughed at for trying it on...not that he would be succesful with girls...sorry op didnt mean you are not pretty and possibly young too and you fancied him. I was trying to make light hearted comment

chablisfan Sun 16-Aug-15 19:35:38

Thankyou holdyourown
I just feel so old at 44 to be back out there
Can't face that

And yes I know red jelly bean ... Ironic isn't it
Advise to all
Be wary of " the separated man "
I am alright
A nice girl
Far from a home wrecker I promise

chablisfan Sun 16-Aug-15 19:39:03

Red jelly bean ... He wears botanists shirts !!!!
But yes he will pull despite his protestations he loves me as he has a job that stupid 20!year old girls ( having been one myself ) love
Hero ?
My bum
What about my ds and I have to say his dc and I do wonder about the ex actually ( didn't get to meet her )
I vilified her in my head but ????

theredjellybean Sun 16-Aug-15 19:42:37

even if you were you still have been really badly treated by this man. Anyway no woman is a homewrecker....if a man or a woman chooses to have an affair and gets found out then they are responsible for the damage done to their 'home' not the other partner.
I couldnt care less if you met him when he was still married , he chose to get divorced, you were sold a lie...he loved you, he was planning a future with you and you provided all the emotional ( and i presume physical) support and intimacy he needed during this difficult time and now he wants to play the field. Bloody sh@@ty if you ask me !
I met my DP when we were both married, it isnt easy story to tell, but we left each other alone after short affair , and only got back in contact when both had separately decided to divorce. I discussed this with DP at we might feel when free to see anyone ? was he still the one i wanted...was i still the one he wanted to be with . It was a thought provoking time. But adults in adult relationships express this as they go along not act like absolute cowards once they realise or think they realise they have freedom

theredjellybean Sun 16-Aug-15 19:45:26

well so what if he pulls 20 yr old and embarks on relationship with one...imagine a 20 something playing happy families with his dc at weekends ...ok being very stereotypical but imagine whiney , blond, high maintenance 20 yr old giving earache about not being able to go out becuase his kids are there ?? and then imagine his lovely little girls asking were you are ??? hope that makes him stop and think. horrid man

theredjellybean Sun 16-Aug-15 19:47:08

and botanist shirts ????? what are they ??? do you like them ?? if you dont be thankful you never have to see another one .

vilifying very common problem with ex wifes !

ohlamour Sun 16-Aug-15 20:12:23

Hi OP. Been there, got the tshirt! I agree with PPs who said you were an exit affair. I was too! Put up with constant whingeing about ex & also had to be hidden in case she got spiteful (amazing similarities!). I'm still missing him, but have come to terms with us splitting (my call), as i just knew i was never going to get what i wanted from him: long term commitment. Still REALLY CROSS about it though!

chablisfan Sun 16-Aug-15 22:00:38

I am sorry
How long ago ?

ohlamour Mon 17-Aug-15 10:11:17

Morning Chablis. I finished it 10 weeks ago tomorrow (yes, still counting!). Have only seen him once (by accident) since. He was perfectly fine with me, but within 2 mins was going on about his ex & what a birch she was etc. So nothing had changed... It's so hard as i miss him (or what i thought he was) so much. But am getting used to being on my own with my 2 dc. We are having a great summer smile.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: