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How to tell FWB that I just want to be friends?

(9 Posts)
TheseventeenthSixteen Sun 16-Aug-15 17:54:46

We have been FWB for 4 years but I no longer want a sexual relationship with him.

We are really great friends but the issue is that he has always wanted us to be a proper couple, but I never have and have made that clear. He said how about 3 days/nights a week because that would be better than nothing. I don't want that either.

I love my space and freedom. I was married very miserably, for 23 years and am happy not being in a relationship for the foreseeable future.

I am really worried about broaching the subject though, as there is such a mis-match between how I feel and how he feels. He will be hurt and upset and try to bargain with me. I have been going along with things for the time being because I hate the thought of hurting him. I can't think of a non-hurtful way of saying it though and I really need to tell him.

I have no idea if it's possible to stay friends in future. I would hate to lose him as a friend, but if he is going to be utterly miserable in a totally platonic relationship, then I will obviously accept that. Has anyone any ideas how to word things gently and kindly because I'm struggling? And also how to stand firm and not succumb to desperate pleading/bargaining/guilt tripping attempts?

Smilingforth Sun 16-Aug-15 18:02:00

I'm afraid there are no easy words. You will have to have the conversation which does not include any ambiguity or false hope.

Zeitgeistic Sun 16-Aug-15 18:08:46

Oh deal - FWB can be tricky to negotiate.

You need to tell him firmly and clearly that you no longer want a sexual relationship with him. I'm afraid that if he has feelings for you, he is going to be hurt and upset by your decision. However nicely you say it, there is no getting away from that unfortunately.

The kindest thing is to tell him in such a way that he's not left with false hope - that would be cruel.

You also need to accept the possibility that he may no longer want to be friends with you afterwards.

TheseventeenthSixteen Sun 16-Aug-15 18:13:12

Thanks. I agree I have to say it. But if he asks why I don't, I don't know what to say. I just don't want or need a sexual relationship. It's not that he's not attractive or that I don't fancy him. I just don't want sex with him (or anyone).

I do accept that he may not be able to be just friends. I can handle that although i'd miss our friendship terribly. But I know it wouldn't be fair on him if it was making him miserable.

Zeitgeistic Sun 16-Aug-15 18:18:48

The fact that you no longer want a sexual relationship with him is enough of a justification to end it. Really, it is. You do not have to have a reason that he thinks is adequate. You are not asking his permission. FWB is supposed to be light and fun. The fact that this seems anything but indicates that your decision to end it is for the best all round.

arsenaltilidie Sun 16-Aug-15 18:40:09

There is no easy way other than to be firm with your choice and not give him any hope you'll change your mind.
You may find the friendship will fizzle out.

magoria Sun 16-Aug-15 18:53:55

With hindsight you should never have gone into a FWB situation with someone who made it clear they wanted more.

Don't be wishy washy about it. Be (nicely) blunt and to the point. Don't get into a conversation or anything. Simply state it is no longer working for you and end the conversation.

I think you may just have to accept the friendship could end.

pocketsaviour Sun 16-Aug-15 19:02:20

You need to be totally explicit in your rejection of him and hopefully the matter will end there.

"I am not interested in you romantically and I never will be. I know you will understand this and move on, as I will. Given your strength of feelings I think it's best if we don't stay friends."

Don't be drawn into any discussion. He needs to actually hear your "no" for what it is. (He may still not do so, in which case you'll have to block him, etc.)

I don't think from what you've described that you'll be able to salvage a friendship. Maybe in a few years. But don't tell him that, otherwise he'll be all over weeping about how "you said we'd be freiiieeeennnnddssss" hmm

TheseventeenthSixteen Sun 16-Aug-15 19:08:24

Thank you everyone. Really appreciate your help. I will follow your suggestion of not giving any reason/justification. I'm going to tell him tomorrow. i didn't enter into the friendship knowing he wanted a relationship. That is how it developed. I should have done what i'm about to do earlier though, definitely.

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