Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Why is it one rule for him and another or me? I tried to give him everything!

(34 Posts)
teaandcake2016 Sun 16-Aug-15 14:45:35

Hi everyone,

Just looking for a bit of support and reassurance. I have been with my partner for 2years. We've had lots of arguments (usually fortnightly- I tried to keep the peace but they still happened). He would Often end it with me, about once a month at least, through very nasty text messages, and lots of name calling. Of course a few days later he would be sorry and we ended up back together.

Things came to a head recently, and for the first time ever I told him it was over. I didn't swear, I wasn't rude. I explained why.

Why am I now bombarded with messages from him calling me all sorts of vile names, and that he should have chosen another woman (who has always been in the background)?

I've never been nasty to him, even when I am angry. Why is it ok for him to end it every month without me being nasty back, but when I end it for the first time after doing my best to make us work, I receive all these nasty messages ;(

I can see why lots of women choose to be single !

Anniegetyourgun Sun 16-Aug-15 14:50:22

Because he is nasty. You don't need a more complicated explanation than that. Most of us grow out of that phase where it's ok to drop someone and then just pick them up again as if nothing had happened at around the age of 5. Others never do.

Anyway, he's done you a favour by behaving so badly. You need now have no doubts at all that ending it was the right thing.

AnyFucker Sun 16-Aug-15 14:55:23

I very much hope you have "ended it" for the first and last time

this all sounds rather unedifying...I am sure you can do better than try to hang on to this caricature from the Jeremy Kyle Show

middleeasternpromise Sun 16-Aug-15 14:59:04

Ignore, delete, block - simples

magoria Sun 16-Aug-15 15:00:56

Because he is pissed off you ended it not him.

He probably feels there is no point being nice hmm because you won't take him back and so is showing you completely and utterly the real him.

Fortnightly arguments and getting dumped once a month for 2 years? What a bloody waste.

Learn from this and next time end a relationship the first month this happens.

Isetan Sun 16-Aug-15 15:03:23

Because he's a fuckwit and he lives by the fuckwit rule book, which means he is the axis by which everyone revolves. His background woman will hopefully be getting his full attention soon and if he continues to send vile messages, do not reply but go to the police.

Don't waste any more headspace on this idiot.

teaandcake2016 Sun 16-Aug-15 15:20:44

Thanks everyone. I feel so embarrassed I ended up in This situation when I'm an intelligent person who is quite capable of knowing what is right and wrong. I just made excuses and hoped it would change.

I'm also pregnant (of course he is the father) - please don't judge me for this, I know it's not ideal. I will try and focus on staying calm for the sake of the baby, and use mn as a distraction!

ARV1981 Sun 16-Aug-15 15:29:17

Does he know about the pregnancy?

Was that part of your reason for breaking up?

Fwiw I think you've done the right thing regardless of the baby. No child should grow up with parents at loggerheads - much better to have separate but happy parents than miserable but together ones.

Hats off to you!

PoppyBlossom Sun 16-Aug-15 15:33:00

Please don't let your pregnancy influence you to get back together, he's an emotionally abusive bellend and will be regardless of if his sperm is fertile or not.

Happy36 Sun 16-Aug-15 15:35:03

You can do much, much better by yourself with the baby and, if you wish to, with someone else who treats you as you deserve to be treated.

Please delete, block and ignore this man who is making you feel so low. Take care.

teaandcake2016 Sun 16-Aug-15 15:53:52

ARV- yes he does know. Apparently the pregnancy would end all the arguments he said...

So I'm ignoring him, and he is now Angry that I am ignoring him (even though he told me to F off!)

Reading your messages keeps me going - think I might screenshot them
So I can read them when I need some strength! smile

rouxlebandit Sun 16-Aug-15 16:15:20

You deserve better than this. Have you got the support of family and friends? You sound strong so stay that way and do what's best for yourself and your baby. Best wishes flowers

rouxlebandit Sun 16-Aug-15 16:16:44

Just a distraction - how do you do a screenshot, is it easy?

teaandcake2016 Sun 16-Aug-15 16:26:23

I have an iPhone so you press the circle button at the bottom, the same time as the on/off switch - and it makes a click noise and saves it with your camera photos. I think it's a similar way with other phones?

ARV1981 Sun 16-Aug-15 18:28:56

So pleased you're putting your baby first here. No child should grow up in an abusive household. flowers

pocketsaviour Sun 16-Aug-15 18:44:06

Roux, google "[model of phone] screenshot" so get instructions for yours.

OP I don't know how far along you are, but I'd recommend making it as difficult as possible to see the baby. So start by registering the birth as Father Unknown.

If he kicks off like this at you daring to leave, there is no telling what havoc he'd wreak with a vulnerable child, let alone giving him the opportunity to control you via contact for the next 18 years.

Jux Sun 16-Aug-15 19:47:33

Keep the texts. Diarise every contact you have from him. Do not hesitate to call the police if you feel scared or threatened. Don't communicate with him.

He is not a nice man, so hooray! You dodged a bullet there, well done for ending it. I hope he grows bored and finds a new target long before the baby is born. Don't entertain any ideas about making up or getting back together. As I said, he's not a nice man.

teaandcake2016 Sun 16-Aug-15 20:16:04

Thanks everyone, it's so Nice to see it in black and white that he is an idiot.

It's horrible because he thinks a few nice messages about how much he wants me means it's all okay and back to normal. I don't blame him - I let him do this for ages now so he thinks it's the same when I end it. hmm

sapphirestars Sun 16-Aug-15 20:32:57

Please stay strong and don't go back. Don't teach your baby that this is how they should be treated. You deserve so much more than this. The name calling and him ending it is all designed to control. Don't let him control you any longer xxx flowers

CalleighDoodle Sun 16-Aug-15 20:43:35

I went out with someone like this recently. It was after my husband left and i was clearly vulnerable looking back. It is all about control. Keeping you in line. One morning he walked into my kitchen said its not working is it. Etc. i said ok. He walked out as he often did. I deleted and blocked him on fb and he sent a few angry messages about that, saying id misunderstood etc. i blocked his number from My phone. Problem gone.

Block and delete. Get the confidence to be alone so you wont out up with crao again.

CalleighDoodle Sun 16-Aug-15 20:45:10

Teaandcake please just go into your phonebook and block him now from there and block him from any social media you have.

teaandcake2016 Sun 16-Aug-15 20:48:03

What can I say back when he says how Much he needs me, and that I make him so happy? He thinks it's normal to argue in a relationship.

I totally get now how normal people end up in sad relationships. I don't mean that in a nasty way, but I never understood how confident and previously happy women can end up in relationships they wouldn't want their sister or friend to go through .

Think I will stick with my lovely pet dogs for now smile

teaandcake2016 Sun 16-Aug-15 20:49:35

Cross posted there! Love the blocking idea - even if it's just to give myself some peace for a while x

DixieNormas Sun 16-Aug-15 20:54:19

Because he is a controlling nob, my ex was the same. Forever ending it and being really nasty.

The last time he did it I thought fucking this and gave my head a wobble. He seemed surprised when I didn't want him back.

You don't have to say anything if you don't want. Just ignore. Or just keep repeating that it just wasn't working for you.

bettyberry Sun 16-Aug-15 20:54:35

OP, If you really made him happy he wouldn't be a grade A twunt to you. Do not reply to him. Ignore it. I guarantee If you don't the abuse will return and he'll flip back and forth like that.

If it helps on your Iphone you can hide notifications for specific numbers and set that number only to silent. I do it with my mother ;)

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now