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I think my admirer is close to over stepping the mark and it scares me

(29 Posts)
WoodyNLol Sun 16-Aug-15 13:23:48

I remember reading a similar story on here about a martial arts teacher who took a fancy to a mumsnetter and I remember thinking it was similar to what I was experiencing but mine didn't seem as bad. Anyway that is rapidly changing and today I actually felt a bit scared of him?
Basically my story is that I trained in karate from the age of 16. Had an injury, didn't go back for years and then last year joined a new club. Within weeks the instructor had made it obvious that he "fancied me" ... I won't say "had feelings for me" because I dont think IT was on that level. I think he basically just fancied me a bit. He made a few innapropriate suggestions and I told him he was being innapropriate and it seemed to settle down. Now, I've been away from the club for a bit and only returned last week. First session was fine. Second session got a bit weird as the kids in the junior class all left at 7.30 and all the seniors seem to be on holiday. Therefore it ended up being just me and him. It's a public sports centre so I went with it, doors open, people walking past etc and on the whole it was fine but I noticed a few low level comments creeping in again. Such as "it's nice, being alone isn't it, we don't often get this opportunity".
Anyway, I forgot about it. This morning I turn up to training (different venue, a private community hall which is shut off to public on a Sunday and he holds the keys) and it was just me and him again until the others arrived (typically everyone else was late today). It got really uncomfortable, he kept coming really close to me, saying stuff like he thinks about me a lot. I noticed him going to the door and I shit mysen thinking he was going to lock it and then another bloke turned up.

WoodyNLol Sun 16-Aug-15 13:25:16

Sorry posted too quick. I was scared for the first time. Now this club means s lot to me and I don't want to quit. I'm thinking of sending him a message telling him it's all getting a bit much and he needs to tone it down. He's married. I'm engaged to be married (which he's aware of).

Sparkletastic Sun 16-Aug-15 13:26:13

You need to find a new group.

Sparkletastic Sun 16-Aug-15 13:27:21

If you can't face changing groups then is there anyone you can put in a formal complaint to or is he the only one in charge?

thehypocritesoaf Sun 16-Aug-15 13:27:28

Dh has a theory about male karate instructors- and this fella fits right into it...

I'm afraid I would just find another club.

SeraOfeliaFalfurrias Sun 16-Aug-15 13:27:54

Urgh, how awful. I think you're going to have to be very blunt. Tell him you are not interested in any kind of relationship beyond training, and that he is making you feel very uncomfortable. If he doesn't stop, I think you should seriously consider changing clubs. Easier said than done, I know - I've had to really hunt around since we moved 6 months ago to find a karate club I really feel comfortable with. I'm so angry with him on your behalf for tainting what should be really enjoyable training. So inappropriate and unprofessional.

WeeMadArthur Sun 16-Aug-15 13:27:59

Agree that you need to find a new group.

pocketsaviour Sun 16-Aug-15 13:28:26

Your intuition has put your wind up for a reason. You have told this bloke you're not interested and he has ignored your "no".

I would remove yourself from this situation immediately. Find another class, even if you have to go out of town.

the kids in the junior class all left at 7.30 and all the seniors seem to be on holiday

Or he told all the seniors it was cancelled...

Have a read of this. The Gift of Fear

thehypocritesoaf Sun 16-Aug-15 13:33:32

Yes. You have used the words 'scared' and 'shitting yourself' about him.
Don't message him.

ImperialBlether Sun 16-Aug-15 13:35:22

Is this man self-employed? If not, you really do need to report him to his boss. I wouldn't bother going back, even if he's had a warning. I wouldn't want to go anywhere near him.

Does anyone remember who the other MNetter was? It would be worth finding out if you are both talking about the same man.

WanderWomble Sun 16-Aug-15 13:36:06

He's a creep and this will only keep getting worse. Please don't be alone with him again. Report him to the gym and start looking for a new group.

mojo17 Sun 16-Aug-15 13:46:18

Re the other poster, it was her ds instructor not hers so she could keep her distance better.
With this particular one I would find out if he is employed and then complain, you may find you're not the first
Otherwise try phoning 101 to see if they are any help
You could put in an email how inappropriate he was especially after you spoke to him after the first time and then tell him you won't be going back but will keep an ear out for any other instances
You could also ask the other adults I. The class whether or not they were on holiday and if not put that in your complaint too

sebsmummy1 Sun 16-Aug-15 13:50:14

Any way your fiancé could take up karate too?

WoodyNLol Sun 16-Aug-15 13:51:21

He's the only one in charge, it's his club and he's one of the most senior instructors in the area. I've asked on a karate forum what to do and they all said to join another club but there are no other clubs. I've looked.

I can't help wondering what would have happened if he'd locked that door. It's not like I could fight him off. I feel a bit upset about it all really, I have Asperger's syndrome so am naturally quiet and probably a bit passive and I feel he's taking advantage of that.

WoodyNLol Sun 16-Aug-15 13:53:26

Fiancé not interested at all and since I told him about the bother the first time around he already hates the guy. If I told him about latest developments he'd go spare so I feel bad that I'm keeping things from him too.

thehypocritesoaf Sun 16-Aug-15 13:56:20

So tell him - 'I'm leaving that club because the instructor frightens me...' He will be able to understand that surely.

Vatersay Sun 16-Aug-15 13:56:46

Well either leave the group or speak to one of the other members, say that you are uncomfortable and why and ask them to meet you outside each time and go in together and go home together.

If everyone else goes home, leave.

Bogeyface Sun 16-Aug-15 13:57:58

Your personal safety is to important to fuck about with over a hobby.

I think that you need to leave the club and tell your fiancé why you are leaving.

cozietoesie Sun 16-Aug-15 13:58:32

Find a new group. When you start climbing up the grades, you are in quite close physical contact wth the instructors and higher grade fighters - and often in a fairly vulnerable position with regard to dress and physical positioning - and you really can't be in a situation where you don't trust them implicitly.

It's also worth bearing in mind that if he's renting a place to train his members, he will be doing so from somewhere like a local authority or community association. They will (or certainly should) have fairly tight rules about the probity of people renting for groups so you can complain to them if you think his behaviour is worrying. You may be fine if you change groups but karate clubs have all sort of members and it wouldn't be so good if a young, vulnerable adult was put in a position where they didn't know what to do about inappropriate behaviour.

cozietoesie Sun 16-Aug-15 14:00:01

Sorry - x post.

If there is no other group, then leave the one you're in and complain about him. You're not going to learn there anyway so there's little point in going.

StaceyAndTracey Sun 16-Aug-15 14:03:02

He's not " your admirer" , he's a harasser. Leave and find another group.

Then report him to the English Karate federation . He must be affiliated to them ( or to the Scottish or Welsh associations ). Here are the relevant policies

SavoyCabbage Sun 16-Aug-15 14:04:32

You need to tell your fiancé. You haven't done anything wrong and by not telling him you are inferring to yourself that you have.

DoreenLethal Sun 16-Aug-15 14:07:55

I would avoid saying 'it's all a bit much'. Makes it sounds like a thing. Which it isn't. It's a harasser/stalker not a relationship.

Leave, report to the people who run the venue and the federation. Make an official complaint in writing that you have already told him that it is inappropriate on X date/month and as soon as you rejoined he started stepping up the harassment.

ovenchips Sun 16-Aug-15 14:10:40

I agree with other posters. You need to leave and tell your partner why.

Please don't talk yourself into staying because he's the only senior instructor or it's the only group in the area or etc etc...

Your safety comes above your hobby.

RandomMess Sun 16-Aug-15 14:20:30

I would get your fiancé to drop you off and pick you up if you really aren't prepared to leave.

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