Advice please before I blow a potential relationship!(26 Posts)
Please give me advice before I blow a potentially lovely relationship. I have been separated from my STBXH only 7 months but in reality the marriage had been over for years. I met a guy OLD 10 weeks ago. Everything is going great and I have high hopes. Both us us have baggage but we have been very supportive of each other. We live more than an hour apart and he is a single parent to late teens one of whom has serious health issues. As a result we don't see each other as much as we'd like (maybe 2 evenings a week).
I understand his family commitments and that his kids come first. I have been very patient and accommodating about last minute changes of plans and he is very appreciative of that.
We had arranged to spend the day together tomorrow. He then had opportunity to pursue his hobby in the morning so asked if I minded if he arrived in pm. He has very little time to himself and works hard so I was happy to agree to that.
He was due to take DDS 19 to dinner tonight or we would have been together tonight. She cancelled at the very last minute and asked him to take her out tomorrow instead. He has agreed to that so I am now left on my own tomorrow.
I feel quite let down and upset. Of course I understand that his DDS comes first but she is an adult; cancelled on him this evening and I think he could have just told her that he already has plans for tomorrow.
I told him that I was going to make other plans for tomorrow and I received the text 'okay xxx'. That's the most abrupt communication I have ever had so he is either annoyed or upset.
Am I being unreasonable? I feel that I have been very patient. Sometimes the cancellations have been completely understandable but I feel tomorrow he should have put us first.
I tend to get a bit wound up and I'm worried that I may end the relationship on a whim and regret it. On the other hand I don't always want to be last on his list of priorities. I had that for decades in my marriage.
In every other way he is lovely. He is kind and treats me very well and there is great chemistry between us.
Should I be more patient?
Sorry this is long.
Do you have dc? In the eyes of the law his dd is an adult but he continues to have a parent/child relationship with her and will do for many years to come.
If it had been a friend who'd cancelled at the last minute, no doubt he would have said he couldn't re-arrange for the following day as he'd made plans, but parents of teenagers are generally keen to spend quality time with their dc whenever the offsprings' diaries allow and it's not surprising that he's cancelled you to make space for his dd.
Was there any reason why he couldn't have taken you out to dinner instead?
You're only 10 weeks into this liaison and, frankly, it's ludicrous to assume that there's an 'us' which will take priority over other demands on his time at this early stage, or that the 'high hopes' you have will come to fruition in the near future.
Maybe in 6 months or so you will be more significant to him than you are now, but in the meantime you're best advised to go at his pace or end it and look for a man who hasn't got so many demands on his time and is free to meet up with you more than once or twice a week.
Tell him how you feel; if he is kind he will understand.
You're right OP. He should have put you first and re-arranged. I think you need to talk to him about how you feel and explain that if you have plans together you would like him to stick to that. Give him another chance and if he screws up then maybe he's not for you.
Goddess I do have children and I agree that they should come always first as a rule. In this instance I think it's because his DDS cancelled on a whim and I think he could have at least told her we already had plans for today. Thanks for the reality check about the 10 weeks relationship! It's sort of what I needed to hear. I think there is the potential for something longer term so I don't want to be impatient of unreasonable. The reason he couldn't take me out to dinner is that she cancelled literally 5 minutes before they were due to go out! He had been on standby all day to hear from her!
Smiling I have told him I feel let down and he does understand although he said it wasn't his 'fault' which was a strange choice of words! I see it as his 'choice' rather than fault!
Liver Thank you. I will give him another chance. I think he is worth it. It's early days but he has been very kind and reliable up until now. He has cancelled or changed plans on a number of occasions but always when there has been a really good reason for something to do with DDS. I think on this occasion it was a poor reason that's why I feel let down.
Thanks for all your responses. I feel a lot calmer about it this morning. I will relax and enjoy an unexpected day to myself!
Perhaps is daughter isn't keen on him having a relationship and setting out to scupper it? Just a thought
Costa it has crossed my mind! To be honest they have had a hard time so I would understand that and certainly would try to be sensitive to it.
Martin I certainly wouldn't abuse the request for 'quick' advice. Is that an actual rule?
The three strikes rule applies to everything in life
Really, Martin? Does that mean that if you get stabbed once you should wait until your attacker stabs you another 2 times before you out them from your life? Or that if your spouse commits adultery you should wait until they've had another 2 adulterous relationships before proceeding to divorce them?
Imo you're best advised to stick to trout groping and encouraging your underpants to do the Charleston as per your current thread 'How long from the first date until..' you play nug-a-nug. < holds head in hands>
When in doubt the three strikes rule comes in to play. By the way, thank you for taking the time to read one of my threads. I'm curious as to why that particular thread was the one you thought you would highlight to me.
OP, I hope everything is sorted now
Yes that's exactly what 3 strikes means Goddess
I think Martin has a point.
I'd let it go is time, but if he does it too often, he's more focused on his kids than on his relationship, which isn't a bad thing in the aggregate but it's not good for you.
I wasn't aware you had more than the one thread you posted on this board last night running at the present time, Martin < loses will to live>
goddess no need to bring his thread into it. Kind of bad form and bullying.
I'll let you off goddess. I don't want you losing the will to live
10 weeks is very early into a dating scenario. I think with all his responsibilities, the distance and kids you are doing very well to see each other twice a week!
If it was me, and I hadn't made arrangements at my expense, such as a babysitter, I'd tell him I was disappointed at the missed opportunity to spend the evening together but wish him a good time with his daughter.
Are you sure he was abrupt? Why would he be angry at you making plans if you are free? Unless it was a passive aggressive or game playing tactic he should be happy that you are out enjoying life, shouldn't he?
You have more than a relationship to rebuild after divorce, normally friendships and individual interests can wither in an unhappy marriage and these need to be re-established too. I think it's important to do this for yourself and occupy your time.
For your own life balance having enjoyable time of your own can rationalise relationships and ensure they are healthy.
Goddess looks like you've had one strike
OP, he doesn't sound very keen if he's happy to cancel dates. Especially if you already only see each other 2 time a week. It's not like he's getting so much time with you that he's overwhelmed and doesn't have any time left to do his own thing.
Could he be cooling off? 10-12 weeks is often a milestone in relationships -- lots of them end before 12 weeks.
His text "okay xxx" was very blunt... But what could he possibly be upset about? Of course you're going to organise to do something else if he cancels on you.
Have there been any other signs that he might be losing interest?
It seems blunt, but then again things can be easily misconstrued over text.
Thanks everyone for all your posts. So he called this morning and said that he was sorry that he couldn't come over and that he was really keen to see me. So we came up with a compromise that involved a change of plan but allowed us to meet up and him still see his daughter. We had a lovely day.
Funny I have read about the 3 month cooling off period and I'm really on my guard. I keep waiting for it to happen but no, there aren't any signs. He texts and calls almost every day just for a chat. In general I'm a bit cautious as my husband left me for someone else after 25 years so I'm happy to take things slowly.
Wally you are spot on. I am trying to re establish friendships and get used to being on my own. When I tried out OLD I didn't actually expect to meet someone! I just wanted to test the water to reassure myself that were nice decent men out there! If this does develop into a relationship I want to ensure that I keep my friends and own interests.
Just remember my three strikes and you're out advice. That's good advice and I'm giving it to you free of charge. Seriously though, I'm glad things are looking more positivo.
I thought I was going to have trouble sleeping until I read the 300th '3 strikes and you're out' post. Talk about over egging the pudding!
Good luck OP - your friend sounds lovely.
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