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Feel lonely. Feel unwanted by h. Woman's name in his call logs. Am I overreacting? Need others' opinions.

(47 Posts)
donotfeelsecure Sun 16-Aug-15 00:34:07

Hello

Am not in a good place today and need the comfort of others' opinions.
Am on holiday 2000 miles from home with my h and dc, staying with (or very near rather as he rented a place for us not wanting us all at his hmm , grin) my Dad.

We came here two years ago but it was just me and the dc that time as h had to work. He has come this time even though he does not really like it here. He even said that he was looking forward to the journey but not the time here (we came by overnight train) and that he thought 2 weeks was too long to stay. So already this has made me a bit nervous. I have some family visits planned (my mother was from the place we are visiting) but things like wondering around the city, which I love, are really not up my h's street. Plus he has a way of making his displeasure felt.

For context I should say that we are a few months out of a very difficult 2 or 3 years relationship wise and one of the characteristics of how awful it was was long periods where he would not talk. I might also not be talking the first couple of days after an argument but I would then get over it and try to resume contact, to find that he could maintain the same stony distance for weeks. it would then take a superhuman effort on my part to get him to communicate again.

We had a massive crisis in about April (as well as a massive one in roughly February of 2014) to the point that both those times I went to see a solicitor to see what would happen in the event of a divorce. After the crisis this April however, I decided that the last thing I wanted was a divorce and that I would rather try and improve things. And this is kind of what happened. We were still having flare ups that would result in maybe half a day's silence but then we would go back to talking. I would not say that we were communicating very openly but we were quite good on a chit chatty level.

Two things that I find difficult are that he shows me no day to day physical affection - no hugs or just general touching, whereas he is very affectionate with the dc. I have asked him about this many times but he always says that they are little and I am not... Sex is also rare but good when it happens, mostly initiated by me. So though it is fairly often companionable between us, I would not say that it is a relationship in the real sense of the word. The other difficult thing is that I am not named on the house deeds and he therefore has ultimate financial control. This is another thing which he refuses to discuss, and he is deeply suspicious of my possible reasons for wanting to be on the deeds.

Out of the two issues it is the lack of affection which I find harder but I suppose that you learn to live with (or without!) stuff and in any case I often tell myself that living apart from the dc I don't know how much of the time (and they are getting to an age where they can decide who they want to live with) would be worse than living without physical affection.

One thing that I suppose has happened as a result of never being touched is that I have lost confidence. I am 46 now and part of me feels that maybe he never touches me because since I am older than I was he simply no longer fancies me. That would not explain the lack of affection I suppose. Then I tell himself that maybe, since he is 12 years older than me, he has had a dip in testosterone which has meant that he wants sex less, basically. I also tell myself that he is often tired as the job he does is often physical and that that is why he does not have the energy to touch me. Then I think that actually he is able to cuddle the kids despite being so tired so in that case he would also be able to give me the odd hug - I really am not asking for much.

But I look at myself in the mirror and see myself getting older and wonder what is left for me? Is this what it is like? But at 46 I am not ready to never feel like a woman again, or like someone who is really liked.

So that is kind of it for context (sorry, long context!).

What happened today was that we were watching some TV where we are staying and the presenter was very made up and a bit doll like. H was watching as well and was discussing her manner and how she was looking at the camera in a notice me kind of way even though the programme was supposed to be a fairly serious one. So I asked him if he thought she was attractive (as in to him) and he said that she looked very young (though I think she was in her mid 30s probably though young looking, not that he fancies young girls blush and was very pretty but he did not know what she would look like as a middle aged frumpy peron (or words to that effect hmm) like the ladies who were standing behind her in the shot (who to me looked more than middle aged) hmm.

So then I was really sorry that I asked as this unleashed a kind of long held in feeling in me. I have often wondered if he no longer touches me because I am just too old now and past it in his eyes. No longer good enough to fancy all the time but necessary to look after the dc etc... Him saying that this woman looked very young and is very pretty I somehow read as being confirmation that he does not fancy me because I am indeed middle aged confused. And that's before we even begin to discuss the fact that he was derogatory about the other ladies in the shot.

So I guess I shouldn't have asked him. Also instead of just asking him straight whether he no longer fancies me and why he never touches me, I then went into "OH SO THAT'S WHY YOU NO LONGER TOUCH ME" mode. I guess because he would never give me a straight answer in any case so there is no point trying to be straight, but I was trying to hamfistedly externalise how I felt.

I brought out the rubbish and told him I was justifying my existence, again cracking a stupid self-diminishing joke. I made some crack about putting myself in the bin (as I was putting a "bag" into it) and he said I would be too big for it (I am about a stone overweight) hmm.

What I would really like is for him to say I am attractive but he never does whereas he is always telling the dc how pretty they are.

I also said that I could live with the lack of attention from him, well I couldn't really but something would happen one day that would change things and he said "good" sad.

So that's how I was feeling this morning. All the feelings which I squash down all the time when I see how gentle and affectionate he is with the dc were all at the surface and coming out in ridiculous ways.

THEN the part which really put the nail in the coffin of any relating happening today:

I need to call my Dad but asked to do it from h's phone as he had already started using his £2 a day calling from abroad fee and there was no point in starting the one from my phone. It turned out he did not have that particular number in his contacts so I started looking in his logs as I knew my Dad had called him today. The first name I saw in logs so they must have either texted or spoken on the phone today was in caps (though some of his contacts are in caps) and is the name of someone who used to work for him a long long time ago and whom I used to sometimes wonder whether he had feelings for. I don't know if it is this person or someone who has the same name.

Things happened very quickly then. He asked me if he could have his phone back in the kind of way that made me think he didn't want me to look at his stuff. (He was also like that earlier on in the day when I had a hold of his phone for some reason (trying to download whatsapp for him as he had asked our son and he hadn't been able to do it) and he had asked for it back in a hmm kind of way saying I would not like it if he had my phone.) He then found my Dad's number, got it ringing for me and handed me back the phone. But by then I was feeling really terrible about seeing this name in his logs, let the phone ring twice but then hung up and handed the phone back to h, then left the room. I presume he realised why I did that as a moment later he shouted "stupid child" from the kitchen. We have not spoken since.

So now I am left massively speculating as to why he was in contact with this person while on holiday, and exactly who she is. This also presses a lot of my buttons and I start to project and think that of course the reason he never touches me is because actually there is someone else?? Of course just a name that he called today (or who called him) does not mean that he is having an affair. It could have been for work as he has been doing some work while here. If it is the woman from a long time ago (unless he has been in touch with her all along - also it is not the first time it has seemed he does not want me to have his phone but I kind of assumed it was a general privacy thing as I too do not want him to have my phone really and I am definitely not having an affair) I am upset that he would not mention that he had been in touch with her as I knew her as well. If it is somebody else I wonder who it could be. I will have to ask him at some point but of course now he is not talking to me so I don't know when that will be and whether I will get a straight answer.

So we went out this afternoon, not speaking, looking at the beautiful things in this town but as far away from each other as possible, with the dc split between both of us. He then did not come out for dinner with us this evening when we met my Dad and my sister who is out here as well.

So I find myself thinking that actually I am tired of this. Tired of feeling unwanted and unattractive. Tired of the things we can't talk about. Tired of his secrecy (he concealed a property he had bought for about 9 months when I found out, and that was one of the main reasons for our massive crisis in April). Tired of the fact that he is never going to tell me what he really feels about anything. Tired of how detached he has always been and remains. Tired of the silences.

So I feel massively lonely and wonder whether I am overreacting. Please be gentle as I realise I may sound slightly on the odd side!

PrancingQueen Sun 16-Aug-15 01:31:50

He sounds like very hard work.
He's not communicating with you - obviously when you've had a row (and to carry on the silent treatment for ages is controlling and incredibly childish). Then he bought a property without telling you? WTF!

As to the lack of physical contact and your suspicions of an OW - I'd say trust your instincts OP, they're usually correct. Sorry, it sounds fishy to me.

And he's older than you by 12 years, but he's sitting there casting his critical eye over you, women on TV and calling them frumpy and middle aged...hmm
Well I hope he resembles George Clooney in the looks department if he's so scathing of his female contemporaries.

You sound fed up, insecure and worn down. Surely it shouldn't be this hard?
If you're already thinking of leaving him (and TBH, you've not mentioned one good thing about him other than that he can show affection to your DC), then make sure you get a shit hot lawyer, as he sounds devious and crafty and probably has other assets hidden if he tried to hide a bloody property from you.

moonriverandme Sun 16-Aug-15 01:47:16

This sounds awful, for you. How long have you been married and what are his reasons for not putting your name on the deeds? The marriage doesn't sound as if it is making you happy and there is obviously a huge back story. The lack of physical affection is soul destroying, it has nothing to do with your age or appearance.Added to the lying about property, refusing to put you on the deeds,and refusing to talk to you, it sounds like your husband is emotionally abusing you. What made you decide to stay after discovering he had lied to you? Have you tried asking him outright about the issues in your relationship? If he won't discuss it, you could try individual counselling to help you sort out your feelings and see what you want to do. I take it you know your position financially etc as you said you had spoken to a solicitor previously. I do not think you are over reacting at all. It sounds miserable and you sound lovely. flowers

Rubygoose Sun 16-Aug-15 02:46:41

Hi there

You don't have to put up with this, for me just the intolerable silent treatment would have been enough to end things. I think you really need to evaluate what positive things this man is doing for you. It doesn't sound like alot, if any. He sounds like a committed Father, which he will still be whether you are together or not. Is be surprised if the kids don't pick up on these silent episodes and the rift between you. He also sounds like a bit of a chauvinist and at your age you deserve someone who will appreciate just how special you are, not makes nasty jibes and possible deceive you. Walk away and reclaim your life. Good luck x

SwearySwearyQuiteContrary Sun 16-Aug-15 02:59:35

What a miserable way to live. You don't have to spend your life like this.

BeyonceRiRiMadonnna Sun 16-Aug-15 03:05:04

I realise I may sound slightly on the odd side! not at all! The silent treatment, the coldness, the secrecy, sounds extremely exhausting and has slowly made you so insecure! At 46 you've still got years ahead of you, do you really want to spend them with your unpleasant husband?

goddessofsmallthings Sun 16-Aug-15 03:28:13

We had a massive crisis in about April (as well as a massive one in roughly February of 2014) to the point that both those times I went to see a solicitor to see what would happen in the event of a divorce. After the crisis this April however, I decided that the last thing I wanted was a divorce and that I would rather try and improve things

You can't improve things on your own - he has to engage with you so that you can work together as a couple to revive your marriage but that's not going to happen, is it?

Did you tell him you'd seen a solicitor with a view to divorcing him? Has he at any time said that he's as unhappy in the marriage as you are?

If you petition for divorce it will be of no consequence that you're not named on the deeds to your home and he won't have 'ultimate financial control' as the Court will make the necessary Orders if you are unable to negotiate a fair division of your joint assets through mediation.

46 is not old and I suspect the years, together with any excess weight you may be carrying, will drop off once you are free of the toxicity of this stultifying relationship. 50 is the new 30 and by the time your next big 0 rolls round, I sincerely hope you'll be in a much happier place as a single parent, or with a loving man who knows how to show his appreciation of you.

donotfeelsecure Sun 16-Aug-15 07:16:58

What made you decide to stay after discovering he had lied to you?

I think the fact that I stared divorce in the face and got very very scared. I still am. What would I do about the fact that my dc or some of them (there are 3 of them) may decide to live with him (genuine question)?

I also wanted to work on some of the things I did or didn't do which were damaging to the relationship as well. So we morphed into a situation where the atmosphere at home was better and I no longer constantly anguished over how the dc might be feeling (about the atmosphere). I thought at least, if nothing else, the dc are having a nicer time and my being able to chit chat with my husband is better than it was before.

Did you tell him you'd seen a solicitor with a view to divorcing him? Has he at any time said that he's as unhappy in the marriage as you are?

No I didn't but I don't know if he suspects this (or somehow knows but I don't know how he would). Re. him being unhappy he has said things yes, about me not contributing to things in the way he would like. On a more personal level between us he never says anything however which is kind of one of the problems. He doesn't understand about me wanting to be touched more. He says I am not one of the dc.

The lack of physical affection is soul destroying, it has nothing to do with your age or appearance. Thank you for saying this.

How long have you been married and what are his reasons for not putting your name on the deeds?

Together for 19 years and married for almost 14. I think he does not want to lose financial control - as in have me have an input or control over things like having to remortgage if he needs to (part of his work is a small amount of investment in property and I guess he wants to juggle things in the way he pleases). He is also very suspicious of why I would want my name on the deeds. He lost the family home they had to his first wife and is very bitter about that and says she lied to get it.

He also sounds like a bit of a chauvinist and at your age you deserve someone who will appreciate just how special you are, not makes nasty jibes and possible deceive you.

Do you think I could still meet someone else if we were to split up?

Some of the things I said to him when he was saying about the "very pretty"envy young looking woman on TV were not terribly nice either but I guess I was feeling jealous and hurt. I said maybe we should separate and he could find a "bimbo" (which is how he had referred to the woman on TV) and I could find someone more evolved. I also said I fancied lots of people and they were all young (not true actually - not many people and they range from about late 30s via Mark Gatiss as Mycroft in Sherlock, Kenneth Branagh and Michael Gambon as Dumbledore blush - actually Usain Bolt as well and I suppose he's in his 20s! blush).

All this out of some desperate need to have him say nice things about me and that he loves me.

Have you tried asking him outright about the issues in your relationship? Maybe in the past yes but it never goes well and he doesn't give a straight answer so I don't anymore. We went to counselling 3 years ago (though he stopped coming after about 4 sessions) and the counsellor asked him how he felt about me. He said that the kids like me hmm. He did say some nice things. When she asked him what had attracted him to me initially, he said that I was like no one he had met before.

What do I do about this name in his call log? At the moment things are bad between us and he would undoubtedly react badly to the question. We are also "cooped up" with the dc as on holiday so no chance to even have a massive row to clear the air. At home I might phone him up while he is not at home to ask him questions like that. Not that he necessarily answers them but it is easier when not face to face.

donotfeelsecure Sun 16-Aug-15 07:21:45

Via Mark Gatiss as Mycroft and Kenneth Branagh TO Michael Gambon as Dumbledore I meant to say.

donotfeelsecure Sun 16-Aug-15 07:28:46

(Forgot to say thank you for your kind posts).

travellinglighter Sun 16-Aug-15 07:41:35

In the last few months of my marriage I lived with the silent treatment and the lack of physical contact and it was awful. I was scared of divorce and desperately wanted my marriage to work but it couldn’t be saved. I won’t lie to you, it’s not easy getting divorced, being divorced or being single at my age(47) but I’m a lot happier now the dust has settled.

The way forward is to confront him, tell him how unhappy you are and see if he’ll go to counselling. If he won’t then you need to pull the plug. If he’s cheating then pull the plug anyway.

Even though I hate myself for saying this, get a solicitor. If you can agree the financial settlements together then do so and present it to the opposing solicitors as a done deal. When the financial deal is done, then don’t sweat the small stuff. If it’s not worth arguing over then don’t argue over it, you have DC’s weddings, christenings, family parties and funerals to go to. Don’t ruin them by being daggers drawn all the time.

Final point. Don’t worry about finding a future relationship, at my age I find that the women my age may have a couple of extra pounds and the odd wrinkle but they are more attractive than girls half my age. We have things in common, we laugh at the same stuff and we usually like the same things.

Good luck, I hope it works out for you, I hope you can turn it around but if not. BE BRAVE. It’ll sting at first but it’ll work out.

Achooblessyou Sun 16-Aug-15 07:55:22

Divorce is hard especially if you don't really want it. But at least it would give you a chance to move on and find your own life and self confidence. This man will not do it for you.

Whether you stay with him or not, I think you need to detach from him and do things for yourself to give you confidence. I know some lovely, confident, stylish 50 + year old women who are incredibly attractive. They've done this through appreciating and focusing on themselves, they don't do it for men.

You can't make this man want to be affectionate with you. I didn't think it would happen for me after I divorced at 40, but it did (after 5 years, after I stopped caring). And new relationships certainly have more affection and great sex than old stale ones.

Focus on you, not on him, whatever you do. Don't waste your energy on him.

Achooblessyou Sun 16-Aug-15 08:03:26

Even though the house deeds are in his name, all your assets will go in the pot to divvy up if you get divorced. I'm surprised he doesn't know that as he's been through it before? My xh and I kept it amicable and went through financial mediation to decide on a 5050 split. If I'd fought for more (my original solicitor was encouraging me to go for 2/3 as I have the kids) I think I would have ended up with less through legal fees.

BeautifulBatman Sun 16-Aug-15 08:04:42

Read this link and register your interest. Quickly.

rouxlebandit Sun 16-Aug-15 08:11:38

Morning OP. I'm very slow typing on my phone, one finger style plus still in bed so need to be brief. I find your story very sad so I just want to say that I'm thinking about you and hope you can find your way to happier life. IMO the woman's name on his phone is irrelevant. Travellinglighter has given you very good advice based on her own experience. I agree you sound a lovely lady and deserve a better than this. I'm feeling a bit tearful. Best wishes flowers

rouxlebandit Sun 16-Aug-15 08:15:29

Sorry meant to the womans name in log is the least of your issues not irrelevant. I meant that you are unhappy regardless of that.

rouxlebandit Sun 16-Aug-15 08:16:16

*say

donotfeelsecure Sun 16-Aug-15 11:38:37

Hi

Have spoken to my sister today who reckons that he is definitely not having an affair as there are no other signs whatsoever and he spends most of his time looking knackered and kind of "broken". She reckons that my thinking that if he is not being affectionate to me it must mean that he is being affectionate to someone else is kind of skewered thinking and that he probably got annoyed with me because of my over the top reaction to his phone and that if he hadn't told me about contacting this person it may have been because he knew how I would react. She says he has always been secretive and that is the way he is.

The fact remains that he IS secretive and unaffectionate however and I find this difficult.

He is also not talking to me now so that's great sad.

pocketsaviour Sun 16-Aug-15 11:50:26

I'm sorry but your sister - unless she's an expert of some kind on men who cheat - knows your H far less well than you do, and it sounds like she was deliberately minimising your fears, thinking that was the kindest thing to do.

As someone else said, though, him speaking to another woman is really a red herring when your marriage is already so unhappy.

You went to counselling before - he stopped going.

You have mentioned that YOU make an effort, that YOU change things to improve the marriage. What has HE done?

In all honesty it sounds like he checked out emotionally some years ago.

How long have you got left before you return home? Can you say to your H "Seeing as you are being a sulky twat are clearly not enjoying yourself, why don't you go home now so we don't have to look at you sitting there with a face like a smacked arse ?"

Equally, would it help to have your dad and other relatives around you for support if you tell them what's happened?

Twinklestein Sun 16-Aug-15 11:50:54

How would your sister know?

And actually your husband's over the top reaction to you having his phone is the problem.

She's not much help, I would ignore her input. Go with your gut feeling you live with him not her.

donotfeelsecure Sun 16-Aug-15 11:59:10

Oh dear I have butterflies in my stomach again sad. We are going to be doing things with my sister but my Dad is not great in these situations and is a bit rigid.

The contacting a woman doesn't necessarily mean an affair does it confusedsad?

donotfeelsecure Sun 16-Aug-15 12:00:09

I think he would be mega offended if I suggested he went home. Bet he wants to and maybe goes home earlier than us.

donotfeelsecure Sun 16-Aug-15 12:00:50

I too think there aren't any affair signs really but who knows confused.

pocketsaviour Sun 16-Aug-15 12:59:37

I think he would be mega offended if I suggested he went home.

But he's already mega offended, so who cares?

Why did he come anyway, when he made it so obvious he didn't want to and wouldn't enjoy it?

donotfeelsecure Sun 16-Aug-15 13:00:57

I think because he didn't want to be left out of the dcs' holiday.

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