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I need some handholding :(

(126 Posts)
ShitHappens1 Sat 15-Aug-15 21:16:17

I'm just after a little bit of handholding and some non-harsh advice as I'm feeling pretty sensitive.

I've been seeing "DP" for 8 months. It hasn't been straight forward from the word go. He's always been reluctant to put titles on things, saying he thinks it's ridiculous to say "let's be girlfriend and boyfriend" because we are not 12 years old. He's ridiculously intelligent and I'm just average, so when we have these conversations, he usually baffles me with big words about how he won't conform to society's expectations. He spends time with me, is seeing only me, told me he wants a future with me etc. and that should be enough to confirm what we are.

Anyway, that's not relevant to today. Well maybe it is. Last week he was in hospital and I was there for him. He was really sweet with me last week, telling me how content he is with me, how lucky he is to have me etc.

This week, he didn't want to see me. He said he just wanted space and time to himself. Ok. Tuesday comes and he said he doesn't know if he wants a relationship. Wednesday, he says to me that he's just bored of our relationship because we mostly sit in and watch Netflix. Cool. We agreed that we'd set up a joint leisure fund and have at least fortnightly date nights. After that, everything seemed great. Had a few lovely evenings together. Seemed like we just needed to talk about things having gone stale.

This morning, he said again he isn't sure he wants a relationship at this point in his life. He said he doesn't want to have to consider somebody else's feelings when he does things, like if he wants to go out all weekend, doesn't wanna have to consider that I might feel gutted we're not spending it together. In addition to that, he said I'm not his type. He didn't expand on that too much, but from what I gathered, he means intellectually. He said I'm not able to eloquently word my arguments, not able to think outside the box when we discuss things etc.

I just couldn't stop crying. He's literally told me he wants kids with me, sees a future with me etc.

He then went on to say he still wants to "see" each other, just not formally with pressure on it. He said he isn't entirely sure that he feels what he's saying and needs to work it out. He said he knows he may potentially be pushing me away and that he may not find somebody like me again.

I told him I'm not sure if I can do the "seeing" thing. I'll continue to fall more and more in love with him and may get hurt. I told him I know what I am and I know what I have to offer somebody and I deserve more than what he's able to offer me and he agreed. But the conversation somehow ended with us agreeing to exactly what we agreed on Wednesday - seeing each other less but with date nights to spend fun time together - whilst he understands what it is he wants.

I know reading that back that I'm a fucking fool. I'm madly in love with somebody whom has little regard for how I'm feeling or not worrying about how anxious I'm going to feel whilst he makes his mind up.

I'm a fucking idiot. But I love him.

Any tips for coping mechanisms? How to stop myself from texting him to tell him I miss him? How to break away from this toxic situation?

I just don't know what to do.

pocketsaviour Sat 15-Aug-15 21:30:56

He then went on to say he still wants to "see" each other, just not formally with pressure on it. He said he isn't entirely sure that he feels what he's saying and needs to work it out.

Translation: I'm so much better than you that you could never be anything serious, but I'd like to carry on fucking you until someone better comes along. Deal?

This guy sounds like a tiresome, arrogant twat just from your first paragraph.

Does he have stupid facial hair and/or wear his hair in a man-bun?

Text this fool and say "Your suggestion isn't going to work for me, so let's just go our separate ways. All the best."

Then block his number on your phone, delete his number from your contacts, block him on FB/Twitter/whatever, and start the process of getting over him.

Have friends over or go to theirs, eat ice cream, have a Netflix marathon, do a bit of crying if you want, buy an expensive new sex toy - treat yourself well, is what I'm saying.

Because this clown surely won't.

ShitHappens1 Sat 15-Aug-15 21:36:09

Thank you, pocketsaviour, that's exactly what I need to hear.

He doesn't have a man bun. He does have facial hair and wears diamanté earrings though!

I'm so frustrated at myself because I know I deserve SO much more. I may not be as intelligent as him, but I have a good job, own my own home, have a respectable job, I'm a loving person and have a lot to give a partner, as well as believing I'll be a good mum one day. I know all of this yet sobbed today praying he'd change his mind. What a fucking fool I am.

IMurderedStampyLongnose Sat 15-Aug-15 21:38:36

Omg,he sounds like a complete pompous wanker.I know it hurts now,but you're better off without someone who wants to put you down like that.And he really isn't that smart,the smartest people don't put others down,they build them up instead.You are better than this.flowers

TheCowThatLaughs Sat 15-Aug-15 21:38:47

He sounds like a horrible manipulative twat with a very high opinion of himself
You sound like an intelligent, sensitive, loyal, insightful, nice person

thehypocritesoaf Sat 15-Aug-15 21:39:43

Just dump the fucker. Find someone who likes you, and more importantly, someone who respects you.

This guy doesn't.

JoyceDivision Sat 15-Aug-15 21:41:51

He is being an arrogantdick who has baffled you with big words a load of waffling bollocks about not conforming to societies expectations having to commit and be monogamous

Agree with pocketsaviour heis planning to have you as his fuck bud til he (thinks he will) get a better offer

Dump, tell him to fuck the fuck off,and when he gets there...all together now... fuck off some more!! grin

fuzzywuzzy Sat 15-Aug-15 21:42:07

He wears diamanté earrings, really? He sounds so pretentious and up himself.

Text back okey dokes, buy bye then

And delete and block him. Then gather some friends around and have good time with people who care about you.

If during this time which I would very much place in the honeymoon period of a relationship, he's behaving like this, it will only get worse.

You deserve better.

NoArmaniNoPunani Sat 15-Aug-15 21:44:22

He sounds like a massive twat. Delete and block. You'll look back on this and realise what a lucky escape you had.

ShitHappens1 Sat 15-Aug-15 21:47:39

Thank you everybody flowers

I've been questioning today whether I'm just being sensitive. And whether I'm being unfair for not allowing him time to think about it. But at the same time, I do believe I deserve more.

In my opinion, if he prepared to let me go to gather his thoughts, he risks losing me. And if he's prepared to risk losing me, then I am not special to him at all.

enviousllama Sat 15-Aug-15 21:49:08

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

goddessofsmallthings Sat 15-Aug-15 21:49:09

He may have swallowed the dictionary be 'ridiculously intelligent', honey, but he's also an emotional fuckwit with a superiority complex and a cruel streak in his nature.

8 months is far too soon to be talking about having dc and long term futures together and it could be that he's got cold feet. Alternatively, he's relegated you to the position of fuck buddy to his majesty so he can set out to impress other gullible women with his non-existent talents.

One thing's for sure; he's not worth your tears. And the other dead cert is that you're not in love with him; you're enamoured with the illusion he dangled in front of you which is the rosy future with 'the one' but, as any fool can tell you, you don't have to settle for the first or the 101st 'one and only' that comes your way and, when you do settle, you're best advised to make sure you've got a dp who loves and respects you and would cut his own throat rather than verbally put you down or demean you in any way.

Fwiw, your OP is one of the best written and eloquent posts on this board which is more than sufficient to convince me that you're far more capable of thinking out of the box that he's squashed himself into. grin

End this toxic relationship and make his prediction come true because, no matter how far and wide he travels, he won't find anyone who's a patch on you. flowers

enviousllama Sat 15-Aug-15 21:52:24

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

enviousllama Sat 15-Aug-15 21:54:18

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

goddessofsmallthings Sat 15-Aug-15 21:56:20

@fuzzywuzzy 'okey dokes, buy bye then' That is pure genius and caused me to spit wine over my laptop grin

ShitHappens1 Sat 15-Aug-15 21:59:16

It really does sound like a fuck buddy, doesn't it? How dare he. I may not be the most intelligent, nor the most attractive being in the world, but I certainly don't deserve to be relegated to that status. After the conversation, I was drying my hair and he was feeling my arse and whatnot.

In terms of what makes him intelligent; he knows everything. He's always attached to his phone ready to research and google something. If something is ever mentioned that he doesn't know, he'll immediately research it. He asked me to point Australia out on a map and I didn't know. He said he couldn't believe how bad that is. Also, things such as not knowing who the previous kings/queens were is appalling of me. Not knowing what the apartheid was.

I guess I am an idiot and don't have much general knowledge, but I'm always prepared to learn new things.

Thank you for the handholding, I'm really appreciating it. I am not going to text tonight as I've come away for the night, and I know I'll likely upset myself doing it so I'll file it under my to-do list for tomorrow.

I can't believe after being so committed and loving towards him, he repays me like this through no fault of my own.

Confusedfedup Sat 15-Aug-15 22:00:44

Level of intelligence, like gorgeous looks and money, are not important in a relationship. You sound like a lovely successful woman who DOES deserve a good relationship with a good man. Not this idiot!

In any case, read back your own description of yourself and he wears diamante earrings - err i think i'll put my money on you!!

ShitHappens1 Sat 15-Aug-15 22:01:38

Confused - that actually made me LOL!

Allalonenow Sat 15-Aug-15 22:11:34

At only 8 months in to a relationship, it should still be wild and fun, not talking about babies and watching Netflix.

Of course he was sweet to you last week, he didn't want to be the only one on the ward without a visitor! smile

He sounds like a manipulateve twat, who is hoping to keep you on the back burner for a bit of slap and tickle while he looks around for his next victim.

Do yourself a massive favour and dump him ASAP, tomorrow at the latest. You sound young and lovely, you will soon get over him and find someone nice and kind and generous for yourself.

In the meantime don't waste your tears on him wine cake thanks

Allalonenow Sat 15-Aug-15 22:14:32

He needs to be dumped for the earrings alone grin

CalmYourselfTubbs Sat 15-Aug-15 22:18:17

dump this douchebag.
don't lower yourself to be his fuck when it suits him.
move on and don't look back.

badooby Sat 15-Aug-15 22:19:55

He sounds like a chopper, OP. I've been out with one and they totally do your head in.

Kick him to the kerb - you're better than this!

MorrisZapp Sat 15-Aug-15 22:23:56

My DP was a bit like this so I dumped him. He promptly got over himself and decided he did want a serious relationship after all. Fifteen years of joy* later here we are with DS.

* well a relationship anyway

minitoot Sat 15-Aug-15 22:25:10

Knowing how to Google does not equal intelligence. Dump him and find someone nice who loves you!

lavenderhoney Sat 15-Aug-15 22:36:22

You sound wonderful tbh. Decent job, house, savings I expect and a lot to offer. How are you falling for this bullshit when I expect at work you would fuck anyone off instantly if they started any of the " as I'm obviously more intelligent than you.. " rubbish?

Do you secretly have low self esteem about areas of your life and what sort of man you should be with? He sounds awful, can you imagine listening to his pontificating on and on whilst you rush round looking after DC/ and having to cook for his boring friends. If he has any.

He's spelled it out to you he has been leading you up the garden path. And has the balls to want a FWB now. He's been future faking. Read the rather fabulous www.unclaimedbaggage.com , replace his name on your phone with " total fuckwit, do not answer" block him on everything, and go out, have a few cocktails, get on match or something and you'll see. Avoid pseudo intellectualssmile

What a relief you aren't with such a fool anymore. You won't be once you send him a text to say " sorry, that doesn't work for me. Good luck with the navel gazing" If a man asks for space give it to him in spades.

Sign yourself up for some courses and networking events, be fabulous and don't see him again. Don't mention him or give him head space. Get busy.

You know it will end in disaster. You're a clever and sensible woman..Why take the road to hell? Think of it as a work project. It's clearly not going to work. Why throw more cash and time at it? Move on.

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