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Can I have some opinions please (love and that)

(18 Posts)
LittleWobbles Sat 15-Aug-15 15:17:33

My boyfriend always tells me he loves being with me so much because of things like; he feels more comfortable with me than he has with anyone before before, he can be himself, he feels safe, I "get", he can talk to me, this is the first relationship he's had where he feels like she's his best friend too, etc etc etc.

My question is: If someone was falling in love, wouldn't they be falling in love with what you are, rather than just how you make them feel?

If they are with you purely because you make them feel good, is that because they are settling, because after being badly burned in the past, they'd rather be with someone they know won't hurt them rather than someone they really love?

I overthink. I sometimes get a little insecure, but this has been bugging me.

cozietoesie Sat 15-Aug-15 15:22:36

...where he feels like she's his best friend too, etc etc etc... (My emphasis.)

Who did he say all of this to?

ImperialBlether Sat 15-Aug-15 15:24:38

I think you're overthinking it and in danger of losing it if you challenge him on this. He's trying to tell you why he loves you. He's not saying the things you think he's saying.

LittleWobbles Sat 15-Aug-15 15:35:09

Sorry, it's probably the way it was written, I mean me. He says it to me.

I don't intend to challenge him but....we've been together over a year. It's actually the most fun, affectionate, grown up and lovely relationship I've ever been in.

I told him I love him five months in. He said love is a very significant word to him. He was getting there but couldn't say it yet. He's been badly, badly burned in a marriage and doesn't want to throw that word around.

None of us have ever said it since.

I'm starting to feel scared that he never will. I really love him, but I don't want to be in a relationship where someone is settling for me.

LittleWobbles Sat 15-Aug-15 15:39:43

To add, he'll say he loves being with me, he loves the fact his friends love me, but never that he loves me.

Last night we were talking about something and he said "that's why I LIKE you so much!"

After 14 months and the depth of my feelings about him, I wanted to tell him to shove his "like" up his bum! grin

rouxlebandit Sat 15-Aug-15 15:46:58

My question is: If someone was falling in love, wouldn't they be falling in love with what you are, rather than just how you make them feel?

Aren't 'what you are' and how you make people feel linked. Also words can only be an approximation of expressing our feelings. The words might mean one thing to the speaker but might be interpreted differently by the recipient.
Phew! This is all getting too philosophical. If you enjoy each other's company surely that's all that matters for now. Anyway 'love' is very difficult to define.

I agree that you 'overthink'.

rouxlebandit Sat 15-Aug-15 15:51:54

It's easy to say you love someone without really meaning it. He may eventually say it just to stop you obsessing about that 4-letter word.

LittleWobbles Sat 15-Aug-15 15:56:47

I know I do. And I don't want him to do that, and that's why I've never mentioned it since. He has no idea about this wobble.

For me, enjoying each other's company is lovely but not quite enough no. I am 33, I've been hurt too, and I just want to be with someone who loves me back.

And thanks! That was quite phillisoohical, but nice all the same!

rouxlebandit Sat 15-Aug-15 15:58:24

I told him I love him five months in.

So, for you, what made liking him turn into loving him? Or, what's your defintion of love?

LittleWobbles Sat 15-Aug-15 16:10:03

Haha! This is getting quite deep, but OK....

Because he's everything I like and respect about a person and more. Because he doesn't try to change me, and I wouldn't change a thing about him, even the occasionally frustrating things. And because of his values and thinking, they match mine and we can talk about anything for hours (except Love). And because, well I think he's gorgeous. And lots more, I can't quite say one reason, it's loads.

My definition of love is: when I love someone, they are important to me, I want to care for them and protect them.

I think they are my answers. They should really be considered over a bottle of wine I think.

rouxlebandit Sat 15-Aug-15 16:16:26

Haha! This is getting quite deep, but OK....

You started it!!
OK - my wife loves me but she certainly tries to change things about me: especially the way I dress but I'm thankful to her coz she's right!

My definition of love is: when I love someone, they are important to me, I want to care for them and protect them.
This is how we love our children.

this is becoming a verbal game of tennis and I'm a slow typist

goddessofsmallthings Sat 15-Aug-15 16:32:29

He's telling you that you enhance his life and he's proud to be with you.

Love is word that seems to have more meaning for those who don't love themselves than for those who don't need words to know that they're loved.

Sorry to interrupt - I'll away now and read your full debate later grin

UnsolvedMystery Sat 15-Aug-15 16:33:21

You're definitely over thinking this!
What difference would it make if he said that he loved you?
Judge a person by how they behave, not the words they say.

rouxlebandit Sat 15-Aug-15 16:39:05

Sorry to interrupt
No need to apologise. I'm out of ideas anyway!

OP, stop worrying. At least he's not one of these people who glibly say those 3 words without meaning it. I'm reminded of my sister's first husband who used to give her enormous OTT birthday cards expressing his undying love for her - the cheating scumbag!!

sanityforlunch Sat 15-Aug-15 17:23:20

I have said 'I love you' to two partners when I didn't actually love them at all because I thought if I said it I might start feeling it (never did.) The one guy used to say, no you don't, so my feelings must have been obvious.

On the other hand, I have been in mad passionate love and it didn't last.

Also how do you measure love? When does it cross from like to love?

I think if it's a fulfilling relationship without the declarations of love, go with it.

scallopsrgreat Sat 15-Aug-15 17:29:55

I've been in a similar situation as you OP and my instincts told me he was settling and didn't love me. I ignored them. They were right.

I suspect that there are other things within your relationship that are perhaps giving you other clues.

Trust your instincts.

LittleWobbles Sat 15-Aug-15 18:25:13

Sorry to abandon the debate, I went shopping!!!

Thanks for all your input, most of you are telling me that the little word doesn't matter and I agree to an extent, but then, if the other person doesn't tell you then how do you KNOW! I mean, REALLY know?!

I feel loved. We have had disagreements, but we have always been able to talk them through. I am really generally really, really happy in the relationship, there are no other clues I can think of that he doesn't feel the same.

But....and this is the insecure, overthinking side of me talking, we met via online dating. He was looking for a relationship. Can't somebody just really like being in a relationship, care for another person, treat them well because they are a nice person, find them excellent company and have good sex, yet just not feel LOVE?

When I said I loved him and he didn't reciprocate I was actually quite shocked! I had felt certain it was mutual. I was all chilled and like "well, people have different definitions of love, don't worry, no pressure, more wine!!" bla bla bla! But inside I had a mini meltdown and it took a while to shake it off.

We talk about the future, moving in together in a year or so, he has started spending time with my daughter too - but I want to know his heart is really in it. And for me, that involves a little verbalisation as well as all the lovely actions.

He isn't exactly someone who struggles with emotions. He's always a lot better at me about talking stuff through. And he loves everything and everyone else and tells them. His friends, his family (of course), the meal we had last week, the girl at the hotel reception who managed to get us a room despite the fact we hadn't booked! Honestly, everyone but me!

Maybe I wouldn't be thinking about it too much if he hadn't used the word "like" so much recently. He must have told me about three times in the last week how much he "likes" me and I just nod sweetly but the little voice inside my head shouts "LIKE??! You just LIKE?! me?! WTAF????!!"

I know it's just a word. I know actions are more important. I just don't want to commit to someone who might be settling for something "good enough" and "safe".

But then, I will never be the type of person who says to someone else "errrrrm, do you love me?" Bluuuuurgh.

I see what you are saying, people who don't love themselves need validation etc. But to me, it's quite a normal thing, to tell the people that you love, that you love them.

Blimmin' heck that's long! Sorry guys

rouxlebandit Sun 16-Aug-15 09:14:21

OK despite what I and others have said it's obviously important for you that he says, "I love you." Come to think of it my wife had to encourage me to say it more often so I did just to please her. It's no great hardship. We now say it at least once a day. But if he is adamant about not saying it then it may indicate his stubbornness on other issues in the future. Therefore......

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