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Misplaced need for affection

(5 Posts)
Frizzfrizz Sat 15-Aug-15 13:52:27

OK so need some thoughts/advice. Been with my husband for almost 10 years and married a few. We've been going through a rough patch where he had an emotional affair. We want to move forward from it and most of the time he is being considerate, thoughtful, affectionate etc.
We haven't had sex in the few weeks since it all came to light and he is giving me plenty of time to get to that point again.
Well my confidence has obviously been shot and I have low self esteem issues anyway and from this I have developed a problem.
So this is my problem, I have found that I crave affection from someone other than my husband. In particular I have started to find a married collegue attractive.
I'm not concerned about anything happening as not only is he in a happy relationship, and he would not find me attractive, but I am aware that I am probably not really attracted to him but more the mistrust and issues within my relationship has caused me to want to feel attractive and wanted. And as I am still building the trust back in my marriage the affection from my husband still has an emptiness to it.
I guess I want to feel valued after being made to feel worthless.
I'm not sure if this makes sense at all, but how to I get myself away from this wanting to feel attractive to another man other than my husband. I am fairly sure that if it wasn't this man at work this feeling would swiftly move to the next male.

goddessofsmallthings Sat 15-Aug-15 14:05:30

Why are you "building the trust back" in your marriage when that task is solely down to your husband who should be "being considerate, thoughtful, affectionate etc" all of the time?

I don't doubt that you're looking for a man to make you feel "attractive and wanted" but I suspect you're also hoping that 2 wrongs will make your marriage right.

BudgeUp Sat 15-Aug-15 14:09:26

Your reaction is totally natural. You feel rejected by your DH and are trying to claw back some self esteem by hoping that another man finds you attractive.

I wouldn't beat myself up about it but I would try to separate my self esteem from my attractiveness to men.

Write a list of all your positive attributes that have nothing to do with attractiveness in the eyes of someone else. I'm sure there are loads of them and I'm sure that with time affection will come back into your relationship with your DH.

Frizzfrizz Sat 15-Aug-15 14:25:03

Yes I think I do link my attractiveness to my self esteem. I hadn't really thought about it like that.
I was always shy and dweeby growing up, with few friends and no male interest so I think I have probably always placed emphasis on the idea that if nice men find you attractive then you have something to feel confident about (I know that's a really bad stance)
I am due to start counselling in a few days to work on my self esteem issues so this is definitely something that I could bring up to look at

BudgeUp Sat 15-Aug-15 19:40:45

Well it's a pretty common stance given how our society operates. That's great that you are getting some help. Good luck flowers

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