Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

juggernaut in motion perspective/advice please

(10 Posts)
Confusedfedup Sat 15-Aug-15 11:34:07

About 3 years ago I found out my husband cheated on me, i was furious and we had a showdown and he promised not to again. I was terrifired of leaving so stayed. Less thank a year later, he was at it again. I took half hearted steps to move out but terrified and listened to his promises and stayed.

A few months ago i realised how unhappy i was and it was as if the marriage had stalled. My life had stalled and i was not moving on. I decided then that i hhad to go. Within months i'd moved out to my new place and love it now. I feel free, relieved and happy. TBH there weere other things wrong with the marriage.

The talking about moving out and actual moving out all happened at breakneck speed inside 6 six weeks. I intend to divorce and move on. I also went on a dating site as i was feeling so lonely. I met up with a man yesterday and we spent more than 6 hours together without a lul in conversation. He's single and knows my backstory. We really like each other and have a second date planned tomorrow. We really hit it off. He is the loveliest most genuine man i've met in a long time. We're very similar in outlook and ideas on life. He has such wonderful values and character and he's seen so much of the world and bit like a child in his awe of it. He lives life to the full. All fo this is very attrractive to me, and i do fancy him. He is very different to my husband. I stopped fancying my husband sometime ago and we hadnt had sex in 6 years or so. Btw, his cheating pre-dates our lack of sex life. clearly there's a lot of detail i'm not saying here about the marriage because for me it's over.

He is very clearly into me, saying how much he loved our date yesterday, spending time with me, and texting me quite early this morning and checking on what i wanted to do tomorrow. Although i am very into him, i don't want it to be a rebound relationship. Hurting him in the process. How will i know what it is? I really want to be with him now but not if that'll stop us from having a good shot at a good realtionship.

What can i do? How do i figure me out and how do i progress this? is this all too soon?

IthoughtATMwasacashpoint Sat 15-Aug-15 12:43:22

All I can say is take it slowly. If he has feelings for you he will be happy to take things at your pace. One step at a time just enjoy the company and dating for now and don't start thinking about relationships on the strength of one date.

sadwidow28 Sat 15-Aug-15 19:14:11

IThought has given sound advice. Don't start planning your future ....yet! wink

Enjoy the companionship, the fun, laughter and attention. Just join in for the ride and see where it takes you.

pocketsaviour Sat 15-Aug-15 19:27:37

Enjoy it, but recognise that it will probably be a short fling.

It sounds like you are afraid to be alone... why? Might be worth seeking counselling regarding that and why you were so "terrified" to leave your H even though unhappy.

goddessofsmallthings Sat 15-Aug-15 19:49:46

You've been so busy building a man you've know for a mere 6 hours into a paragon of perfection that it doesn't seem to have occurred that you could get hurt 'in the process'.

Other than what he's told you, what do you actually know about him? Have you checked out his name & address on the Electoral Register? Has he told you where he works and who for? Has he mentioned any relatives such as dps and/or siblings that he may introduce you to at some point?

I get the feeling that you're intending to rush headlong into a sexual relationship with him and I think you should bear in mind the old adage 'if it's too good to be true, it's usually untrue'.

Take it slowly and wait until you've at least been able to verify that he is what he claims to be before you give any thought to getting up close and personal, and don't invite him into your home until you have assured yourself that he's not living with another woman or has a string of them on the go.

Out of curiousity where are you going with him tomorrow and if he's so keen, why didn't you meet up again tonight?

Confusedfedup Sat 15-Aug-15 20:15:06

Thanks all, you're right. I feel stupid. I've bloody let myself get swept away. I am thoroughlly embarrassed to see my handi work of 6 hours from your point of view. I will take your advice and let it roll as it does and enjoy it while it lasts.

I did check him out on linked in where he's got a photo and he's been honest about everything. But i suppose if he's got it out there he would be.
He's gone home up north for a BBQ and to see his parent and sisters. He's sent me pics from the BBQ and i spotted some 20+ men.

I dont even know if i'm capable of having sex - i was been diagnosed with psychological -related vaginismus so that'll need some sorting. But regardless, you're right he wont be in my flat for some while yet. He did ask me to come to his for a BBQ he's having at his next week.

And i am seeing a counsellor to deal with my dependancy and confidence issues. is has been phenomenally helpful!

Thank you, all of you.

sadwidow28 Sat 15-Aug-15 20:40:17

i was been diagnosed with psychological-related vaginismus

When you find the right man, and the time is right, that has a chance of sorting itself wink

Just practice saying, "I am not ready for that level of intimacy yet". It's your body and your rules. But try not to put yourself and him into any sort of intimate situation that might lead him on and then you decide it isn't the right time for you. (Did I explain that correctly?)

If you think you MIGHT be ready for intimacy then you should be able to have an honest discussion with him about your fears and diagnosis. He will be happy with cuddles, snogging (and a fumble) if he truly understands and can support you. Would you be able (and happy) to finish him with a hand/blow job if he becomes aroused by you?

Confusedfedup Sat 15-Aug-15 21:24:36

Thank you! and that's what my therapist said as well...so i live in hope. I developped the problem during my marriage so it is a curable one is what she said.

I hadnt actually thought about having sex with him or anyone for that matter. But i suppose i'd have to broach it when the time comes. And do whatever to be fair to us both. We kissed last night and he was very respectful and tender but passionate all the same which kinda sent shivers down me.

Smilingforth Sat 15-Aug-15 22:56:04

Good luck! You will be fine in time! flowers

goddessofsmallthings Sun 16-Aug-15 04:13:36

More flowers for you, honey, - I hope Mr Perfect stays unblemished and that you have an enjoyable outing with him today. smile

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now