should i take the risk?

[isitjustadream]

well im a long time lurker and LOVE this site so hopefully i can get some of your great advice too
i live up north and the rest of my family down south i moved away years ago to be with an ex and only normally go 'home' a few times a yr ive retained a few mates down there especially my 1st love my boyfriend from when i was 16....im 32 now.
we lost contact for years till a couple of yrs ago but now meet up everytime i go down and text inbetween
it started off as lets meet up for a 'mates' drink n a catch up then progressed to nice meals out then a couple of months ago i went down and spent the night in a hotel with him
it all sounds a bit sordid but really not....hes the nicest guy ive ever met and im not sure anyone even my ex husband has ever compared...
so my dilemma is im going down next week, we text all the time and have planned to meet up in some way when im down there
the texts are getting less 'matey' and i can feel myself falling for him again but keep stopping short of saying how i really feel as im scared to loose him totally! although i did send a meg drunk saying ive always loved him and always will the other week, then panicked the next morning n text saying sorry for drunken msg! he replied do i mean its not true?
someone tell me what to do pls!!!
hes such a gent and my friend thinks hes waiting for me to make the 1st move but i dont know...
i dont want to ruin anything but the content of his texts plus the way he acted the night we spent in the hotel makes me feel theres more to it
do u spend your life wondering what if or just play it safe and keep a good friend?
any advice greatfuly recieved

[AWayToGo]

What effort is he making to progress this relationship?

Having sex with you in a hotel and sending a few texts doesn't demonstrate much effort, in my opinion.

[isitjustadream]

hmm the sex bit doesnt look good to an outsider granted i get that!
he texts all the time...quite emotional texts about how he cant stop thinking about me, he wishes id move home ( this is before the sex ) and he was a fool to let me go all those years ago
when we are together people think we are a couple as we act like it
he always stops short of saying lets get back together or anything but his msgs are so lovely ( never sexual ) and the night we spent in the hotel was incredible...
i thought it would be a drunken bonus night kind of thing but it wasnt it was perfect the kind of night ive dreamt of for years till i fell asleep coz didnt sleep at all the night before through excitement and nerves
i woke up the next morning to him kissing my forehead and now he texts that it doesnt matter i fell asleep he felt like the luckiest guy in the world to just hold me while i slept n stroke my hair
am i getting caught up in the romance of this?
my mate has read all the msgs and says its so obvious hes waiting for me to put myself out there and say lets take things further but im too scared of loosing him again
i ended things yrs ago...if that makes any difference....

[DarkNavyBlue]

Surely if you're sending each other these emotional texts and have shagged then you are 'seeing' each other.

[isitjustadream]

are we? neither of us have ever said that and we can go for days without talking then i will get a msg saying cant stop thinking about you or something along those lines...we spend the night chatting by text ( sometimes on phone but hes much more 'matey' on the phone almost like its easier to put yourself out there by text ) then we wont speak again for days
i text him the other day just saying i miss you and he replied thats so weird ive been sitting here all day wanting to text or call but didnt want to come across as too eager
inside im screaming theres never too eager tell me how u feel!! lol
hence why i/my friend think poss hes taking the safe approach and waiting for me to take the plunge and tell him how i really feel 1st
bit of a risky buisness if were reading this wrong though!
i know it might sound childish and petty but he means the world to me i cant just say it and what the hell coz i might loose him but also i might be missing out on being happy by not....

[DarkNavyBlue]

Well that's just ridiculous. It's as plain as day that he either wants to take things further.

The only alternative is that he is playing mind games.

[Smilingforth]

Why don't you just have an open conversation with him. You will learn a lot from how he reacts

[Cabrinha]

I'd say to leave it.
You swapped can't stop thinking about you type texts, I should never have let you go texts, and you've fucked him.
And yet you still don't feel secure in what your relationship is, or able to just ask him.
That doesn't bode well.
Sounds like a nostalgia trip, honestly.

He hasn't got off his arse to come north then?

DON'T waste your time inventing reasons in your head about him waiting for you to make the first move. What more move is needed? You've fucked him!

Sounds like he's enjoying it (as are you) with the "does that mean you do / don't mean it?" but that doesn't mean he wants a relationship.

Decide what YOU want. Tell him. And stop with the faux-relationship texts until you've sorted it out.

[something2say]

I disagree with the above post. He is stopping short for some reason. Broach moving back down here and see what he says x I think he sounds great x

[Cabrinha]

Why would she broach moving south?
She's lived in the north for years.
She could broach him moving north.

But I don't think they need to broach moving at all. They're not even dating yet!

Let's see if he'll get off his arse and come north regularly to date, first.

OP, don't worry about ruining your friendship.

1. You tell him you want a relationship and it all works - fab
   

1. He says no and it ruins your friendship - well, he's not a good friend if he was fucking you and leading you on with those messages, so you've not actually lost anything

[Sighing]

Ask him to visit you? Ask him out as a date?

[isitjustadream]

we talk all the time about him coming up here and fully plan to do that only reason its normally me that makes the journey rather than him as i get to see my family too while im down there
he is lovely i know we slept together n arent a couple but he is a proper gent holding doors for me, pulling out my chair he even stands up when i come back to the table when we go out for a meal as apparently thats what ur meant to do when a lady returns to the table!!!
ive NEVER met a guy like this before or since and love the way he treats me not sure anyone else will ever compare....

[wifeofaspiechap]

Aren't you overthinking a bit? Just go with it!

[isitjustadream]

maybe....i just dont want to ruin what we already have if he doesnt feel the same by making things awkward as i do love seeing him

[DarkNavyBlue]

we talk all the time about him coming up here and fully plan to do that

Eh? it's not an arctic expedition!

I agree with Cabrinha

And as for not ruining what you have now - from the sounds of it you're not happy with what you have now as you want a relationship but don't feel secure. Given how obvious his texts sound, what's stopping you from believing that he wants to see you?

[MatildaTheCat]

Why don't you invite him up to visit you for a weekend and do some honest talking about whether you are to become a couple. Forget your previous romance for now, you are different people after so long.

Sounds as if you have a great connection, he's sending all the right signals and you are keen. So what's in the way? Pride, essentially. Neither of you wants to be the one who asks if it's official.

Life is short. Do it. Worst case is he says no thanks and you feel a bit sad and foolish. I don't think he will.

The only reason to not do this is if he did something truly unforgivable last time. No? So get on with it, woman.

[Cabrinha]

I'd get fucked off with someone getting up to pull out my chair when I come back from the loo. But that's me!

What is stopping you from asking him to be your boyfriend? What is he doing that leads you not to think he wants that? Is it that he's made no effort to come up to see you but waits around to hook up when you come down? It's all just talk about him coming up. Ask him up for the weekend. If he can't be arsed to, there's your answer.

But FGS woman grow a pair and just ask him!

[isitjustadream]

no he did nothing awful last time i was just very young...him alot older but immature at the time so weve both grown up
im down south next week and we will be meeting up so hopefully ill have the balls to broach the us subject then...

[pocketsaviour]

he is a proper gent holding doors for me, pulling out my chair he even stands up when i come back to the table when we go out for a meal as apparently thats what ur meant to do when a lady returns to the table!

There's something about this that doesn't sit quite right with me, and I'm not normally a "STOP HOLDING THE DOOR YOU SEXIST PRICK" type.

I would say leave him to make the arrangements to see you next. If he can't be bothered to get off his arse and come to the Grim Wilds of the North, then you know he's not really fussed.

[Nannynome]

I met up with my first BF 4 1/2 years ago after getting back in contact. We started texting, then talking on the phone and then met up a month later. I had been single for over 10 years, slept with him on that first meeting something I would never normally do. I moved 300+ miles away 6 months later to move in with him after we had been doing every other weekend in each other's cities. Now we are married with DS1. 20 months and DD1 who has just arrived and I still grin insanely when I think of him and we still text daily whilst at work. Sometimes things are worth taking a risk on!

[isitjustadream]

pocketsaviour....why does this not sit well with you? i think its really sweet....

[Cabrinha]

I'm with pocketsaviour so I'll give my reasons though they might not be hers!

1. It's an OTT gesture. It is a long time since getting up to pull out a lady's chair was normal 'gentlemanly' expected effort. It's not a simple thing like opening a door, but actually having to get up to do it. In my experience the more OTT a gesture is from someone the less genuine it is, the more there is behind the motivation. Getting up to pull out a chair isn't BEING a gentleman, it is making a SHOW of being a gentleman.
   

1. I think it's actually infantilising of a woman not to expect her to manage her own bloody chair! There are many ways to show respect - you don't need to choose one that means you do something for a woman that she can perfectly well do herself. She can manage! (door opening is just polite though - and should be done by a woman to a man too - whoever is in front, hold the door)
   

1. From the other side, a woman who enjoys a man running around after them in that way I personally find weak, princessy, self-infantilising.

[TheMarxistMinx]

Oh, if you like that sort of thing it can be very lovely. I would expect anyone to behave in an appropriate way depending upon the circumstances. I climb trees, I dig flower beds, re-roof the shed and hang paper, I am not weak, but I do like good manners.

I think you are over thinking all of this OP. He likes you, you like him. I am in favour of having fun, flirting, being affectionate, saying sweet things, and asking questions in a non confrontational way. I think honesty and transparency is important but I really do not understand the modern obsession with labels and titles, FwB, fuck buddies, dates, boyfriend, fiance, exclusivity chats (contracts)...blah blah blah. There are more ways to skin a cat they say! so there are more ways to find out his intentions.

I would more than likely wait for a lovely fun affectionate or romantic moment and say something like "do you think we will fall in love" Say it lightly with no expectation. Say it in a way that sounds as though you are thinking aloud, rather than cross examining him. I think he will tell you he already has feelings for you. I don't really see anything risky about it. What can possibly go wrong, he doesn't respond: nothing lost, you haven't asked him for a relationship, and plenty of people have those without being in love anyway. If he does have feelings for you, he will be very glad that you have given him the signal to tell you. I think we forget that men probably have all the same fears as us.

Oh and good luck x

[Cabrinha]

You would really faff around then throw in "do you think we will fall in love?" which doesn't mean you'll get a straight or useful answer?

Instead of just saying "I like you, shall we get together again, properly?"

The mind boggles!

Just ASK HIM.