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Has your gut ever told you he's not the one?

(22 Posts)
nonameuser Fri 14-Aug-15 21:36:25

I love him to bits but my gut has been telling me he is not right. I used to fantasize a life with him but I don't anymore.
We have been together for a year and a half. Broke up for 2 months a month ago as we argued too much too often plus other problems.
During the breakup, we agreed on going to see counsellors together and improve things. He never had the time to do these things as he always had other arrangements. At that time my brain told me, if he don't want to work things out now, he never will. And now he did improve a lot. For example, he learned to take care of my feelings and tried to accompany me more. But I just don't care as much as I did.
Before the breakup, we were planning on moving in together. Now he is saying he doesnt want to anymore as he doesnt want to end up living with an ex gf. At that time my brain told me, if you dont want to live with me now, you never will. It almost feels like he is not ready to help to get things back on track. I know it sounds very silly and naive but I just can't get rid of these little noise in my brain.
I kind of feel like I am just staying with him for the time being. I don't want to leave him, but I'm also not bothered with breaking up again. I feel like I am just waiting for any external factors which will eventually set us apart. What is happening to me? sad

cozietoesie Fri 14-Aug-15 21:47:49

They don't feel like 'little noises' to me - more like ruddy big klaxons going off.

Smilingforth Fri 14-Aug-15 22:01:40

It's doesn't sound right!

ALaughAMinute Fri 14-Aug-15 22:03:48

It's not looking good is it?

Do yourself a favour and get rid!

Trills Fri 14-Aug-15 22:07:05

There's no such thing as "the one".

But you sound like you don't want to be in a relationship with this man.

So it would be better for both of you if you face up to this and tell him that you don't want to be in a relationship with him.

Then both of you can move on.

ARV1981 Fri 14-Aug-15 22:11:08

I was in a relationship for nearly ten years and ignored these feelings. I admit there was bad stuff going on in the relationship (i have since realised he was emotionally abusing me) but I just let it tick along for nearly ten years!

I left him just over five years ago, got together with my husband and really all I feel about my ex is disappointment that I wasted so many years of my life on him.

So, from my experience, I suggest you leave sooner rather than later. Life really is too short. I regret spending nearly ten years of my life with my ex... I've never regretted leaving him. Not once.

nonameuser Sat 15-Aug-15 13:02:36

ARV1981 did you ever feel like things would be ok soon even though it was never going in the right direction?
We want totally different things and he doesn't get it. He also thinks that aftrer the breakup, as long as we spend more time together, everything will be better. Will things ever be ok if we just get on with our own lives and spend more time with each other? Just each other, in the same city, doing the same things?

Blu11 Sat 15-Aug-15 13:24:52

I knew very early on my stbxh wasn't the one. I remember the exact moment I realised but carried on because he wanted me to and I thought I wouldn't ever meet anyone else. I spent 10 years like that. I don't regret leaving last year.

goddessofsmallthings Sat 15-Aug-15 13:40:50

How do you propose to get on with your own life and spend more time with him?

If you're waiting for an unspecified event to give you the impetus to finally put the lid on a relationship which has gone way past it's use by date, spending more time with him will only serve to reduce the chances of you encountering a handsome hunk the external factor that will galvanise you into action.

Do yourself and him a favour by ending it now because there's no future in it.

goddessofsmallthings Sat 15-Aug-15 13:42:14

duh! its use by date..

nonameuser Sat 15-Aug-15 21:07:56

Blu11 What made you leave eventually if you dont mind me asking?
I can't imagine spending 10 years like that..I'd be crying my eyes out once every week

nonameuser Sat 15-Aug-15 21:13:52

goddessofsmallthings I didn't propose anything but it just feels like we are just getting on with our own lives. He has a new job I am accepted to a new uni for master. We both moved in a new city but nothing about us has changed. We still fight all the time, still do the same things when we go out and talk about the same stuff. I thought going on a trip abroad would be a good way to improve our relationship a bit but he refused it. We are not doing therapies not reading any books which would help.

CalmYourselfTubbs Sat 15-Aug-15 22:31:15

follow your gut.
i'd bail, to be honest.
you're with the wrong person.
which is stopping you meeting the right person.

Smilingforth Sat 15-Aug-15 23:04:44

I agree you must follow your gut!

Smilingforth Sat 15-Aug-15 23:11:56

Sorry posted too quickly. But think long and hard ( and give it a little time) before making the decision

ARV1981 Sun 16-Aug-15 00:10:33

nonameuser - in answer to your question:

Did you ever feel like things would be ok soon even though it was never going in the right direction?

Yes! All the time. I kidded myself that things would get better. They never did, and the longer I spent with him the more difficult it was to leave. I felt I had to prove he was worth my time, even though deep down I knew he absolutely wasn't.

You talk about doing your own things, but also of spending more time together... I don't fully understand this.

I think, from the sounds of things you've drifted apart as a couple. You could try to fix it by doing some of the stuff you've suggested, but he's rejected those suggestions. So, I don't think you can salvage anything - it takes two to make a couple work and if one of you is doing all the work, while the other idly sits around watching, the one doing all the work will start to resent the other. This sounds like it's happening already.

You need to be honest with yourself and your partner - if there's no future for the relationship, is it fair on either of you to continue with it?

Like I say, I spent nearly ten years trying to make a dead relationship work. It really wasn't worth it! If I'd left him ten years sooner, I would have had a much happier life.

So that's why I'm saying you should leave sooner rather than later.

nonameuser Sun 16-Aug-15 00:42:05

ARV1981 Thanks so much for the detailed response!

I am sure there was more than false hope which kept you and him together for 10 years??

I do want to leave him now but we've been best friends for as long as we are a couple so it really is difficult.

HormonalHeap Sun 16-Aug-15 05:57:49

Not as difficult as divorce and comforting kids when their daddy's left. Please, please listen to your gut. I had the same feelings just before I got married. Ignored them as we had been together so long. Biggest mistake of my life. Takes so much courage but do NOT waver- nothing else I can add.

ARV1981 Sun 16-Aug-15 11:04:10

What kept me with him for that long...

1) The sex was really good (at first)
2) it was exciting because my family didn't like him (I was young and rebellious)
3) I hadn't really had any other relationships before as I was only 19 when we met
4) I was scared of being by myself
5) I felt I needed to prove that he wasn't as bad as my family believed
6) I became trapped with him due to emotional abuse and later towards the end physical abuse too (though him punching me and giving me a black eye was the absolute end of it)
7) I became dependent on him
8) I had a desire to "fix" him, which I shouldn't have had
9) I felt I had to stay with him out of loyalty
10) I felt I didn't deserve better

Now I know those reasons were all bullshit.

I'm now in a mutually respectful relationship with someone I have a lot in common with - not just activities we enjoy but core values too. I know what a waste staying with my ex actually was, and I regret it terribly. I wasted nearly ten years with someone who I didn't love (not in comparison to how I feel Bout my dh), and on occasions didn't even like very much, someone who didn't deserve everything I gave to him. I know I'm better off without him. I think I would say that now even if I hadn't got together with my husband and I was now alone.

My experience is not yours though, so I don't want you to think that I'm saying leave your man because I left mine... more that I had the gut feelings too - right from the start but still pushed on with this no-hope relationship out of bloody-mindedness even though I knew deep down I didn't want to stay with him. I wish I hadn't done that.

Blu11 Sun 16-Aug-15 11:51:05

I left eventually after I spent a significant birthday in a very tranquil moment and realised I didn't want to spend the rest of my life with the wrong person. I realised one day my life would be over and I would never have given myself the chance to meet someone more suitable. Life is too short to spend it unhappy.

Rebecca2014 Sun 16-Aug-15 12:06:29

A relationship should not be that much hard work.

I was in a volatile relationship, you get off on the passion and the excitement but in the end it gets tiring...the love fades. I married my ex and I was not even happy on my wedding day, yeah that was not normal.

Just end it, sometimes you are just not right for each other and this seems to be the case for you two.

BuggersMuddle Thu 20-Aug-15 00:26:05

I would follow your gut. My relationship with my ex wasn't awful or anything but there was always a gut felt a bit like work, I dunno. I ignored it.

That's not there with DP and I. That doesn't mean everything is better / perfect, but I've never really questioned our 'fit', worried about lack of conversation, or about how an evening might turn out: I did all of the above with my ex.

It's not a practical thing either (DP sadly one of the least tidy people I've ever met), but more a 'click' thing. Days, conversation etc. is just easier. I never think 'I need to hide this' or 'OMG how am I going to tell DP'. I just don't and that is a nice feeling.

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