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What is the likely outcome?

(18 Posts)
holidaysareoverated Fri 14-Aug-15 20:23:06

I'm trying to end my marriage to my drunken unreliable husband. He refuses to move out so we are living side by side barely speaking and frequently rowing.

We have a 2 year old and I'm heavily pregnant. I work 30 hours a week and do majority of childcare etc. He is the higher earner and I can't afford the mortgage on my own.

I haven't seen a solicitor yet but am wondering what the likely outcome will be?

I don't have any money to find somewhere else to live unless I take it from some tax money that's put aside. This isn't ideal as I've no way of replacing it. But I can't go on living like this.

I've nobody I can stay with.

He is telling me to move and leave the 2 year old with him but I'd never do that. He drinks and then doesn't bother coming home. How can I use this against him to ensure I keep my son? Most people think he's a great guy. They don't see that I never know if he will come home or not, or if he does come home whether he will be sober. How can I prove this stuff?

He says he will use my violence and temper against me. I do get very, very angry with him when he lets me down yet again or comes home in a complete state. I do scream and shout at him. I see this as a symptom of my frustration and unhappiness but will it count against me? Nobody else would call me a violent person because it's only him I get so angry at.
Also how do I go about finding a solicitor that offers free advice? I've looked online and can't figure it out.

mindyourown15 Fri 14-Aug-15 20:45:09

you are violent with him and he is a drunk? Oh dear. Neither of you sound any good at all.

holidaysareoverated Fri 14-Aug-15 20:49:05

Where did I say I was violent?? I said he accuses me of being violent because I shout at him when he lets me down by getting shit faced yet again.

RepeatAdNauseum Fri 14-Aug-15 20:55:05

Has your temper ever been physical? Is this recorded anywhere?

What about his drinking? Is that recorded with anyone?

paulapompom Fri 14-Aug-15 20:58:55

Holidays I don't know what's going tohappen but this sounds too stressful for all concerned, especially you during pregnancy. Can you afford some good legal advice? I have heard that there are some knowledgeable posters in the legal thread on here.

Do you definitely want out? If his drinking wasn't in the equation would you feel differently. I think these are questions to mull over, if talk over with friends irl if you can.

Your midwife could be a source of support.

Wish you wellflowers

holidaysareoverated Fri 14-Aug-15 21:05:29

My temper is me shouting and sometimes I've called him names the day after. F'ing bastard etc. I'm not proud of it. This is after he does things like not come home from work when I'm throwing up from norovirus and trying to care for a sick toddler.
People have seen him drunk but his family ( drink problems are rife) make excuses like he is stressed from his job. His friends apparently tell him he is "just like every other bloke".
He did once knock himself unconscious and was abusive to the hospital staff. But it was 5 years ago.
There's nothing really that could be recorded officially. He goes for "one" can't control himself and then stays out. Meanwhile I'm at home thinking its a normal day and expecting him home.
The last 3 times I have been ill he hasn't come home and I've been left to get on with it. Last time I was hospitalised the day after but he " didn't realise I was really ill" so had gone to the pub instead.

holidaysareoverated Fri 14-Aug-15 21:11:07

I want out because drink is in the equation and it won't ever not be.

He won't admit he has a problem. There's excuse after excuse.

He didn't come home the other night to help me wrap our sons birthday presents because a colleague had handed his notice in. He wanted to talk it through and this was extremely important apparently.

It's bullshit stuff like that all the time and getting more frequent. For the past month or two I have spent the majority of the time sat alone in our bedroom because we aren't speaking. We constantly have to cancel things because we have rowed over his drinking.

To him I am "unsupportive" and on his case. He never thinks he is behaving badly. He claims he is depressed and that's why he drinks. But he has always been like it just not this bad.

paulapompom Fri 14-Aug-15 21:43:46

If he won't even accept that there's a problem, then no, things won't change. If he is depressed heavy drinking will make him feel worse. His friends saying he's like everyone else is ridiculous, he won't be telling them the whole story and they will bessaying what he wants to hear. Do you have any support? X

holidaysareoverated Fri 14-Aug-15 21:54:33

No I don't.

I just really want to know if it's worth me using tax money and finding a rental so that I can leave ASAP?
Can he be forced to leave?

I need to sort this ASAP because I can't be living like this once this baby arrives.

category1 Fri 14-Aug-15 21:58:20

I think you can get an occupation order or something, but it may be costly and may take a while. Maybe CAB could help advise?

smink Fri 14-Aug-15 22:04:35

Shame he can't just move into the pub.

Also suggest that if he were to move out no one would worry when he came home he can drink till whenever but he cannot really want his children to end up in a rental flat. Its not about you its about them.

Stop shoutimg at him. It isn't helping you.

Go and see a solicitor.

holidaysareoverated Fri 14-Aug-15 22:08:55

He just says the kids can stay with him and I can go.

He doesn't agree he isn't capable. The likelihood is that he'd go for lunch one day, end up staying in the pub and either not collect our son from nursery or show up paralytic. This hasn't happened but is how he is so I'd not put it past him.

I also don't want my kids growing up thinking that it's normal to get drunk and let people down.

springydaffs Fri 14-Aug-15 22:19:42

Oh ffs he is a fucking bastard. I'm not surprised you lose it with him.

But look, he's winding you up. Don' t let him! He's a waste of space, don't bother to expend any energy on him. He so isn't worth your rage. Being on your own is how it's going to be from now on so you have to get used to wading through when you're ill (I'm not being heartless: been there, it's how it is unfortunately). Relying on him is driving you over the edge so don't rely on him. Easy to say, I appreciate that.

Go to a lawyer and get first half hour free to see where you stand. Go to a few lawyers and get your free half hours; go with the one you're comfortable with. Once everything is divided up you can pay the lawyer out of your settlement; though many agree to payments over a period of time (I paid £40pm over years). Whatever, you will get a good picture of what you can expect - they cover a hell of a lot in half hour.

Go to your gp and spell out what you're facing at home, get it on record. It will stand you in good stead when the time comes (legally). Get it all documented. GPs are powerful and can initiate big changes.

Women's Aid 0808 2000 247 (call at night, lines busy during the day, sadly). Get them onside, use every bit of support they offer.

So sorry you're facing this at such a vulnerable time. You can do this op flowers

holidaysareoverated Fri 14-Aug-15 22:33:12


Do all solicitors give free half hours but just not advertise it? I can't find any in my area that mention it. Most charge £80-100 for an appointment.

Mini05 Fri 14-Aug-15 23:25:32

Ring the ones you can get to and ask do they do a free consultation, then you can chose where you want to go first. Write a list want you want to know because time will go quickly

mojo17 Fri 14-Aug-15 23:34:03

You do need to get some professional advice on what you want to happen for you and your dcs.
Armed with the facts you will be in a stronger mental state and sort things.
Is the tax money yours, his, or joint?
Is it in a joint account as you know you can take what you want as its marital assets
Go get your advice and also phone WA for some more

feelingthechill Fri 14-Aug-15 23:39:50

It's worth doing a Google search for family solicitor or divorce lawyer in your town, shortlist a few you like the look of and then call these up to ask about the free half hour. Plenty of them do it, but not all of them, and it's perfectly accepted. Go and see three or so if possible - by the third one, you'll have a good idea of what to ask and what to focus on in the 30 mins.

Good luck op - much of what you say resonates with my own (thankfully previous) situation and it sounds very tough. Just be as informed as you can and remember to look after yourself. There are ways out of a miserable marriage if you want to take them.

springydaffs Sun 16-Aug-15 10:06:50

Women's Aid will give you a list of sympathetic (to domestic abuse) solicitors in your area who offer free first half hour.

You may blanche at the term 'domestic abuse' - but you are experiencing abuse in a domestic setting. Not all domestic abuse is physically violent. He may be being a pain re drinking and staying out, but threatening to take the kids is a clear tactic of domestic abusers.

Get Women's Aid onside. They offer a conclusive service - practical, legal, emotional support. They are not just a pretty face. 0808 2000 247. Call at night, 7pm-7am, as lines busy during the day. Or email them and they will get back to you (though there will be a delay), spelling out what you are facing and what you hope to achieve.

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