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I'm being selfish aren't I ?

(17 Posts)
Nosynora Fri 14-Aug-15 16:37:55

I am engaged to a lovely man who lives an hour and a half away .i see him almost every weekend which is lovely but sometimes working really long hours in the week and then spending all weekend with him ,nice as it is , makes me long for time to myself.
I finish work today which is the first time off this year and am going away with my partner next weekend and really really fancy this weekend to myself however he is making me feel very selfish , he's been looking forward all week to seeing me and to sleep in a proper bed as he's given up his bed for relatives and been sleeping on the sofa for weeks. I'm being selfish saying I don't want to see him this weekend aren't I ?

BeeRayKay Fri 14-Aug-15 16:45:11

No. You're allowed to want time alone.

tribpot Fri 14-Aug-15 16:49:06

Nope. Not at all. You are are quite entitled to want time alone and your DP is being rather unreasonable (and quite selfish) himself. If he wants a proper bed to sleep in, is there some reason he can't go to a Premier Inn?

This may just be something you have to get to used to about each other - some people need more alone time than others. This weekend is good practice - you will still feel this way when you're married/living together, so this needs to be something you can do every once in a while.

SurlyCue Fri 14-Aug-15 16:49:31

Not in the slightest! I ended a relationship earlier this year because my own free time was being resented by my boyfriend. You are entitled to spend time on your own! You dont need to ask permission or feel guilty about that!

ThereIsIron Fri 14-Aug-15 16:51:04

Not selfish at all no. Everyone needs space and time to themselves.

ImperialBlether Fri 14-Aug-15 16:51:37

I think if you're only seeing him 2 days per week then you're being a bit unfair. I can understand you wanting some time to yourself, but if he is engaged to you I can see why he would like to spend the weekend with you.

How would life be if you were married and living together? What would you do then when you want time alone?

Lweji Fri 14-Aug-15 16:55:35

The dynamics of having a visiting partner are often different from being married.

It's not your fault that he gave up his bed for weeks, FGS.

Do you actually have a date or is it one of those engagements that just mean you have a commitment to each other?

Nosynora Fri 14-Aug-15 17:01:47

I think the difference is imperial that the job I do I don't get lunch or tea breaks and I can't take the odd day off so I work all week then I'm with him 24 hours a day at the weekend . When we live together I'm sure we would do things separately.
I just want to finish work tonight and then do absolutely nothing .

Nosynora Fri 14-Aug-15 17:07:10

We don't have a date which is more me than him , not because I don't want to it's just logistics and family commitments etc

TRexingInAsda Fri 14-Aug-15 17:26:49

If you don't want to see him then don't. It's not about selfishness, it'd be silly to spend time with him when you'd rather be elsewhere, just as some sort of favour to him. Obviously he may feel he's wasting his time trying to be in a relationship with you when you'd rather spend your free time alone, but maybe he's right too. It'd be nice to be with someone you actually wanted to spend time with.

TokenGinger Fri 14-Aug-15 18:21:55

If he's looking forward to seeing you and has plans to be with you this evening, it's a bit shit to let him down this late in the day. It shows a lack of respect for his time and will also let him down. When in a relationship, of course it's ok to want time alone, but it's important to respect your partner's time and be considerate of it.

When he arrives, I'd explain to him that you feel exhausted and would really appreciate a day alone to recharge your batteries and therefore ask if it's ok to part company tomorrow night to give you the whole of Sunday to yourself. That also gives him the chance to ensure that he has plans for Sunday too, so it doesn't feel like his time is wasted.

If you cancel on him tonight, I can imagine there are few people/friends at this time of the night and therefore means he's left alone and has a wasted evening he could have spent with somebody else if he had adequate time to plan something.

Lweji Fri 14-Aug-15 19:13:31

It'd be nice to be with someone you actually wanted to spend time with.

Sometimes people need to be alone, having nothing to do with wanting to spend time with someone else or not.
Introverts actually need time alone, even.
It's actually grim when other people don't understand that.

mynewpassion Fri 14-Aug-15 19:54:15

I agree with everything TokenGinger said.

TRexingInAsda Fri 14-Aug-15 22:19:31

Lweji I do understand it, I'm an introvert myself and totally get needing time to yourself. But putting myself in his shoes, I'd want to be with someone who appeared to want to spend time with me, who thought of seeing me as a treat rather than a chore. Maybe he's happy with the amount of time OP has and wants to share with him, if so great, but maybe he won't be happy with it which is fair enough too - I don't think there's any right or wrong here, it's just whether they're compatible or not.

blueshoes Fri 14-Aug-15 22:28:13

Agree with TokenGinger and TRex.

Joysmum Sat 15-Aug-15 10:21:50

Is it that when you're together you're always doing something so can't recharge your batteries?

Could he not come over and you both do your own things in the same space but are still together (Telly/reading/Internet/dozing in the sofa).

It is possible to have solitude together, as people lonely in their marriages will testify.

Lweji Sat 15-Aug-15 10:33:33

But it is still possible to be lonely in a marriage and not be relaxed. I can testify to that.

It really depends on your oh, op. People who only spend weekends together have more pressure to catch up and spend time together than people who live together. It can be more intense. I'd agree with still having him around if he is capable of letting you have your own space. From his reaction to not going this weekend, not really sure if he would.
This is for you to sort out in the dynamics of your relationship. But I don't think you are necessarily being selfish. By that token, he is also being selfish in not letting you have this weekend that you feel you need. Selfishness is more wanting to have your way all the time. We can all have selfish acts and that is perfectly healthy, as opposed to always considering other people's needs and forgetting our own.

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