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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

To fuck buddy or not to fuck buddy

60 replies

FuckBuddyHelp · 14/08/2015 11:27

Firstly, I have NC'd as I don't want to be outed. I promise I'm not a bored teenager either.

About 9 years ago I worked in the same office as a guy and we quickly became friends. We both had partners so nothing happened. I moved jobs but we all stayed friends.

Our personal lives have changed and I've been single for a couple of years. We still speak and I still saw my friend and his partner monthly. She started to not turn up but my friend still did. She knew about it but was just busy or didn't fancy it.

They have split up about a year ago and we have been getting closer. Nothing dodgy but we've became like best friends.

Drunkenly he admitted he likes me and really misses sex and intimacy. I do fancy him and miss the sex so said he should come over when I'm child free next week.

Now I'm just kind of freaking out about the whole thing. I mean I've had a child and I look a lot better with clothes on. The teenage part of me is super excited though and even just thinking about it happening makes me smile. Neither of us want a relationship but a fuck buddy with someone we can trust.

I've no idea what he's expecting. Do you just go with the flow or talk it all through before. I'm just a weird mixture of nerves and excitement. Is it usual for them to stay the night? He's suggesting all sorts of positions and it's been so long I'm just not sure how it's going to work.

He's very laid back , open and I completely trust him so I might just be overthinking this all.

OP posts:

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catrin · 14/08/2015 11:33

You are!

He fancies you. You fancy him. The whole body thing is irrelevant - he fancies you.

The only thing I would say, be VERY clear with yourself about this. If it is going to mess your head up and you are likely to be posting on here next week about drunken mistake and now you love him, don't do it. If on the other hand, you can wave him off at 4 am after a great night, with no regrets, go for it. But don't confuse fuck buddy with 'start of something great'. Other than that, have fun ;)

FuckBuddyHelp · 14/08/2015 11:52

He's a nice guy but I don't think I'm ready for the whole steady relationship thing as my ex badly hurt me. I miss all the kisses, cuddles and sex though so that's why I suggested it. I don't know if he thinks it'll go any further though. Just we've shared so many good times and we just get each other. Will have to see I guess.

OP posts:

LadyBlaBlah · 14/08/2015 12:35

I was rubbish at Fb'ing

You might be better but the irony for me was that I wasn't really ready for relationships yet these apparently hassle free relationships are imo the most complicated of all relationships.

I think they can be great if you are in a good place. But the worst if you are not v.confident and smarting from the last relationship.

Intheprocess · 14/08/2015 14:07

I feel that the key to any healthy relationship is the existence of emotional and personal boundaries both people are comfortable with. My belief is that the traditional steady relationship idea and the newer fb relationship idea are like the Ikea furniture of human relationships. They come with pre-made parts which are easy to assemble and the personal boundaries are there in the instructions. However, these boundaries might not be what you want and you may need to think outside the (flat-pack) box on this one. How do you see the ideal relationship with this man? Regular texting? Socialising as friends? The opportunity to take things forward at a later date? Monogamy?

p.s. Don't worry about how you look naked, I'm sure he isn't!

Glitteryarse · 14/08/2015 14:12

It's not for me. No matter who says they are only friends some one always gets hurt or bad feelings.

I await your future posts ..

cremeeggsdidrock · 14/08/2015 14:19

The only thing i would say is you cant take anything you did back, and you .could ruin a great friendship However if you want a future together then take it slowly, if not be very careful could become very awkward if either of you start dating again.....................

Good luck

FuckBuddyHelp · 14/08/2015 14:24

I do worry a bit about getting too involved but mainly because I don't want to ruin the friendship. We've become really close in the last 6 or so months so if it all goes wrong I'll miss being his mate.

He said he'll talk to me about what he wants, what he's thinking tonight.

I couldn't handle being a fuck buddy when I was a student but that was more because he was an ex who had dumped me and I desperately wanted him back.

I just really miss sex if I'm honest and I've looked into online dating, but there's just no one I fancy.

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cozietoesie · 14/08/2015 14:25

He's said to you that he misses the sex and the intimacy and you've said I miss all the kisses, cuddles and sex. (My emphasis.)

What's 'buddying' about that? (It actually sounds as if you're both lonely and want to really feel special to someone again.)

FuckBuddyHelp · 14/08/2015 14:31

I also don't want to regret not doing it. I'd be happy with the same communication, the odd night out/ in and no strings sex. I guess it would be awkward if we ever found anyone else to date, but that would be on his side rather than mine.

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FuckBuddyHelp · 14/08/2015 14:36

Cozie, pretty much. We're both lonely and after a whole not being with someone for a while it sets in.

I was in a sexless marriage for about 3 years before I became single so it's already been 5 odd years without it and tbh, I just want a great shag. I love it when we meet/ he comes over but I'm fed up of not having it. That probably makes me seem weird though.

OP posts:

lalalonglegs · 14/08/2015 14:39

I've never been in this position but I thought FBs were meant to be quite emotionally detached. You describe yourselves as best friends - it's asking for trouble, you will ruin a friendship especially as it sounds as if, despite your protests, you do want more than a no-strings-attached sexual relationship with him.

I think you should tell him that you have thought it through and you don't want to compromise your friendship.

MysteryMan1 · 14/08/2015 14:42

So you want sex, want to keep the friendship as it is and don't want a relationship. Yep, of course that will work...I think you are trying to have and eat too many cakes.

ArseForElbow · 14/08/2015 14:43

If you can keep yourself emotionally detached it could work, I was great friends with a guy for over 2 years and when we met up it just flowed with us and led to having great sex, but I must admit I became a bit too attached.

lavenderhoney · 14/08/2015 14:46

Um, you're friends, you're single, you miss affection and have invited him over for sex? Sounds like disaster to me.

You will have sex and then what if he doesn't call? You've lost a friend and feel like shit.

It sounds as though you've been dating tbh, and now someone has slipped in a caveat that they want no strings sex. I see. The bit where you say you miss affection etc is the death of this plan.

FWB date other people and there is no emotional responsibility. He's your friend remember. How does that work? Would you be happy to be dumped as a FWB whilst he dates Ms right?

Tell him you've changed your mind and actually would prefer to stay friends/ date slowly. See what he says.

cozietoesie · 14/08/2015 14:57

Ask yourself how you would feel if you had a great night of sex and he got up the next morning, had a shower and said 'I'm off now - met this wonderful woman a few days ago and I'm taking her out for a country walk and a pub lunch. See Ya.'

FuckBuddyHelp · 14/08/2015 14:59

The sensible me would see that this would be a disaster waiting to happen.

I guess I was just thrilled when he suggested it and I knew that I'd be more comfortable with him than any random off the internet.

I have found myself thinking about him more but I guess I don't want to have that convo for fear of rejection or getting hurt again. I know that I'll have to risk it if I want anything more though.

Thanks :)

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MysteryMan1 · 14/08/2015 15:33

Sounds like you are horny and want a shag. Not sure he is the right guy, unless you want a relationship or want to feel uncomfortable.

What happens if he is crap in bed?

Nevergoingtolearn · 14/08/2015 15:42

I'm useless at the whole 'fuck buddy thing', I got involved with someone when I finished with dh, the sex was brilliant but it was hard not to get attached to him, sadly it's usually the woman that starts to have feeling and then you have to suffer the rejection when they say they don't feel the same.

You need to get things straight with him from the start, find out what he wants and what you want. If you just want sex then you would be better off doing it with someone you haven't been friends with for years as it often ends badly, if I just want someone for sex I tend to go for someone that I don't like that much so I know I won't have feelings for them ( but it's still hard ).

TheMarxistMinx · 14/08/2015 16:01

I keep reading that it is best to go for someone you don't like very much. How is it possible to want sex with someone you don't like, and how can it be that the sex would be any good? genuinely puzzled by this.

AuntieDee · 14/08/2015 16:15

My experience is that unless there is no emotional involvement it doesn't work. I have been in your situation - a male friend who I fancied and liked but could never see myself 'with'. It worked. I have had friends who have tried the same and ended up deeply in love with someone who just saw them as a booty call - not a nice situation to be in.

The only downside to it was that when partners find out who the 'FB' is they do not like it - AT ALL. One guy I was seeing dumped me as he was horrified that I would do something like that and called me every name under the sun. He himself was only the 4th person I had slept with at 32! And at 37 I can still count on one hand the number of people I have slept with...

Proceed with caution

Twinklestein · 14/08/2015 16:21

It sounds to me that actually you are ready for a relationship, if wary, and that's what you'd really like with this guy.

Given he's one of your best friends and you fancy him, I can't see how this is not going to end in disaster.

niceupthedance · 14/08/2015 16:28

I don't think this guy is a good candidate for a fb. See what he says tonight. Fb usually involves no going out, no staying over and no cuddles. I've had one for 2 years and physically he's my type but he is a twat. Therefore I don't see him that often, maybe once every six weeks. Distance helps in these arrangements.

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Twinklestein · 14/08/2015 16:36

I don't see how you're not going to develop feelings for him if you sleep with him.

SuperFlyHigh · 14/08/2015 16:42

I would lay it on the table re you liking him... say what you want the intimacy etc and see what he wants. if all he wants is sex and you don't want to lose a friendship then I'd step away.

but you may find he wants to date you.

a good friend of mine had this happen with a good friend of hers, they started off talking about FB route but then decided they wanted to date and about 2 years on are still dating. Not sure how it's going but they are dating.

Redglitter · 14/08/2015 16:44

It definitely can work. I've had a friend with benefits arrangement with one of my closest friends for a couple of years. We discussed it before hand and we both (still) want the same thing from it.

Our friendship is still as close as it's ever been and the benefits are great.

I'd definitely recommend it but only if you're both going into it for the sane reasons

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