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how to deal with green eyed monster?(12 Posts)
relationship is generally ok but one thing that really get to me is that ive realised I hardly even see friends anymore....its because he gets really jealous if I do things without him so I end up not bothering as its not worth the the hassle. but I miss going out with my friends for a laugh :-( 10 years married
Address it. Go out with friends. Ultimately consider leaving is what I would do-do you have dc?
Of course you do - to want the company of your friends is natural and certainly not something that you ought to be denied!
How is he otherwise?
yes we have kids. otherwise relationship ok. don't want to leave but want to make him understand its normal!! makes me feel like im doing something wrong
That's not healthy. It's perfectly normal for people to have friends, to go out with colleagues, to meet family etc.
What does he do to make it a hassle?
Do you really think this relationship is generally ok because his behaviour is truly not. That is controlling behaviour from him and such behaviour is abusive in nature.
Do you have children?. I presume its one rule for him and another for you (and by turn them as well if you are a parent).
I doubt very much that talking to him will make any difference at all; he feels he is doing nothing wrong in the first place.
Controlling behaviour is often disguised or excused as concern. Concern for your safety, your emotional or mental health, the need to use your time well, or to make sensible decisions. Your abuser may be angry or upset if you are 'late' coming back from work, shopping, visiting friends, etc., even if you told him/her you would be later back than usual. Your abuser may question you closely about where you were, whom you spoke to, the content of every conversation you held, or why you did something he/she was not involved in. As this behaviour gets worse, you may not be allowed to make personal decisions about the house, clothing, going to church or how you spend your time or money or even make you ask for permission to leave the house or room. Alternately, he/she may theoretically allow you your own decisions, but penalise you for making the wrong ones. Concern for our loved ones to a certain extent is normal - trying to control their every move is not.
So if you agreed to meet a pal at your local on Friday night for a couple of drinks say, what would occur at home?
Do you have kids together?
This is manipulative and pretty controlling behaviour from him!
10 years and you are finally seeing it.
You either address it and go out.
If he gives you hassle then walk out the door.
Tell him you will come back when he can be nice to you.
Rinse and repeat until it sinks in.
I have a feeling though that this might be the tip of the iceberg!?
Or you put up with it and carry on.
I think you've reached the 'straw' stage now though.
"don't want to leave but want to make him understand its normal!! makes me feel like im doing something wrong"
Leaving is scary I grant you but being within this is a lot worse. He has you really walking on eggshells.
My guess too is that you're all a lot happier on the occasions when he is not around.
You will NEVER get him to understand that his behaviour is not normal; such is deeply ingrained in him and has been likely learnt from one or both of his own parents.
The abuser will deny feelings stem from within him/her but see them as reactions to your behaviour or attitude toward him/her. He/she may tell you that 'you make me mad', 'you're hurting me by not doing what I ask', or that he/she cannot help feeling mad, upset, etc. Feelings may be used to manipulate you, i.e. 'I would not be angry if you didn't ...' Positive emotions will often also be seen as originating outside the abuser, but are more difficult to detect. Statements such as 'You make me happy' or 'You make me feel good about myself' are also signs that the abuser feels you are responsible for his sense of well-being. Either way, you become in his/her mind the cause of good and bad feelings and are therefore responsible for his/her emotional well-being and happiness. Consequently, you are also to blame for any negative feelings such as anger, upset or depression.
Most abusers have very low self-esteem and are therefore easily insulted or upset. They may claim their feelings are 'hurt' when they are really angry, or take unrelated comments as personal attacks. They may perceive normal set-backs (having to work additional hours, being asked to help out, receiving a parking fine, etc.) as grave personal injustices. They may view your preference for something which differs from their own as a criticism of their taste and therefore themselves (e.g. blue wallpaper rather than pink) etc.
thanks for all your replies. I don't want to answer all the questions you ask tho but thanks... a lot of what you say rings true. its not always been like this but got worse slowly over time. he currently has low self esteem I think...and I think its something I need to address sooner rather than later and put foot done and see what happens!
I could've written this post 10yrs ago. I tried to make him realise for 10yrs, failed and left last November.
I did go out with friends and put up with the repercussions as I knew if I didn't he'd find something else to be jealous about.
It isn't actually jealousy as a pp has said, it's controlling. He never actually thought I'd go off with someone else, just wanted to be my focus at all times. He had been "jealous" of my family; our DC; work & study.
It's not a case of making him realise that it's normal to go out/socialise/see friends and family - he already knows that it's normal. He doesn't need you to find the magic formula that will let him see the error of his ways, in order that he can finally understand them - he's not thick...he knows what he is doing.
He just doesn't care because his ownership of you is more important to him than your freedom or happiness.
Know that to be true.
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