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Strength needed

(6 Posts)
AlsatianNasty Thu 13-Aug-15 20:30:23

OK. Name changed semi-regular.

Partner of years left last year for younger work colleague.

I moved on OK as he was an abusive controlling nightmare - I just couldn't see it when I was with him. I'm pleased to have the chance to live life free of that.

I still deal with him for sake of DC but he is still a nasty abusive shit to me if he finds the chance to surprise me! Even from afar.

I am stuck though in that I seem to attract the same type and no amount of being aware of this seems to help.

I had a really great friendship with a man and we ended up having a fling. He was lovely to start but then the red flags popped up one after another. We are no longer together but I have now found out he's very likely been seeing my friend in some capacity, which I had suspected.

He went from being a saintly 'I never pull, never get the opportunity' sensitive type, to me realising because he told me himself that actually he'd shagged half his female circle of friends, again women half his age. He thought nothing of telling me a while in that he cheated on one girlfriend with her best friend. By this point I was gobsmacked I'd ever gone near him. More gobsmacked he was telling me he still really liked the best friend but she wasn't interested. He's in his late 40's!

He came out with some utter classics over the few months and I knew I'd been played. Again.

The fling before that was similar but I knew what to expect from him as we'd been friends for a lot of years, he was going through a divorce and it was more long-distance friends with benefits type of thing. It was just a flattering opportunity when I felt at my worst. I was played and found out about the other women but it didn't bother me as much, I knew what he was like and went in eyes open, but he was so charming and so full of shit, it took a while for me to truly realise there were other women on the scene.

This last fling though has really really shattered me. I really did have strong feelings for him at one point and I have found it hard to switch them off. I thought I was getting involved with a totally different man. He's part of my social circle and of course, by being outraged and raising his crapness with him, I'm now a bunny boiling out of order maniac!

I can brazen that reputation out because anyone close knows the truth, but someone, please tell me that there is life after shitty controlling abuse and after being played twice by men I knew well and trusted with my feelings.

I'm starting to think this is all I'm destined for. I am sure there are really good men out there but I just end up in the same mess.

Am I just dim? I'm educated. I know good men when I see them with other people. Why can't I sense them before I get involved?
Two friends. Both know what I went through last year. Is it because I was vulnerable these bastards bit??

Basically, I feel a total fuckwit! I wasn't looking for a relationship but they seemed like a good idea at the time because a. I thought I knew them and b. I grew to find them attractive the more flirting went on and they were a great distraction. It just seemed right at the time.

Common sense welcome. I clearly have none...

Smilingforth Thu 13-Aug-15 21:10:01

Don't feel a fool. Take your time - it's your life.

Viewofhedges Thu 13-Aug-15 21:33:29

Don't feel that it's your fault. Some men are awful but many are not and actually most are decent and lovely. Hopefully the next one you find will treat you properly. But don't blame yourself and don't start thinking that you don't somehow deserve someone decent, because that's rubbish. Don't look back. Chalk it down to experience and look forward to the rest of your life.

glasshouses88 Thu 13-Aug-15 22:41:21

Op your not a fuckwit!
You've had a terrible ending to a terrible relationship, you might be, unintentionally of course, giving off the wrong message which is attractive to these type of guys, your vulnerable, in need of attention and closeness and quite probably low on confidence and quite probably not ready for another relationship yet.
Give yourself more time and a break, be kind to yourself, build up your confidence and self esteem, do things you enjoy, have fun with dc and see friends.
The relationship part will happen.
Make the rest of your life great 1st though

AlsatianNasty Thu 13-Aug-15 23:36:23

Thanks all.

I have just felt exasperated all day.

I needed to see something positive about this because truly, I feel like crap!

Onwards and upwards and thanks...

Smilingforth Fri 14-Aug-15 08:11:41

Keep that positive attitude up!

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