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dealing with sbexh

(11 Posts)
namechangedforachange2 Thu 13-Aug-15 14:36:58

Split from ex husband due to his behaviour, drinking daily, no agreeing to cut down, his lack of participation in family life. I left as he refused to. Had to re start in own with two kids. Private rental. Ex has not paid a penny in child support . HIs reasoning being that he has our daughter a few days a week. And takes her on holiday . we have a house that we co own it has had to be rented out due to ex s refusal to let me stay in home and him stating he could not afford to stay there himself. He made sure when we had viewings in property that he left place I'm a state by state I mean dirty toilets, sinks, overflowing rubbish, smelly laundry lying about. I used to have to let myself in and Clean up before the viewings. Eventually someone agreed to rent it from us.. Plan is to hopefully sell it next year as there is a fair bit of equity that I should be able to use to buy my own small place which is all I really want to do. Dont feel secure renting as nothing is really your own. Plus v expensive !!! I am considering going to the c s a to get an amount each month from him. This has been going on for twenty months now. The stress of it all is making me ill. His latest is to say he will stop me moving my daughter to a school nearer to me. I do nearly all the schools runs. I simply can't afford the petrol. He is threatening to stop this ... Can he do that ? He has in the past threatened to go for custody of daughter .. Stating that I'm a rubbish mother as I have taken anti depressants in the past ... He is truly hateful to me. I have been civil towards him but not really not sure what path to take next. All is want is peace from this man, and a small contribution to the upkeep of his child.. I have always been flexible re him having daughter ...

namechangedforachange2 Thu 13-Aug-15 15:03:13

Bump anyone ? Just feel like I am going around I'm circles

Fallandfly Thu 13-Aug-15 15:06:01

You need to take control. I 'played nicely' with a man who too paid nothing and it doesn't work.
The other threats etc. are all about control you need to get that back. They are just threats. Courts don't give a crap about antidepresssants etc and he can't stop you moving schools. He's just trying to keep you in your place.
Start divorce proceedings if you haven't already. Get access sorted as both you and your child need routine and stability and this will help. Use the csa if there is no way of coming to an agreement. There is a calculator that will give you an idea of how much you will get based on number of nights he has.
A year on I'm still finding my feet with my ex and it's not all plain sailing but having (only recently) stood up for myself and started calling the shots as opposed to taking them things have improved.

namechangedforachange2 Thu 13-Aug-15 15:33:30

Thanks fall and fly wise words indeed ..
All you have said is right. I think I am just checking that legally he can't stop me moving sons schools and also just need practical and emotional strategies to keep me strong so anybodies positive stories would greatly help me ...

Smilingforth Thu 13-Aug-15 18:31:45

This is very hard; speak to a friend who you trust and work through your thoughts together. Your mind is muddled at the moment understandably and you need support

namechangedforachange2 Thu 13-Aug-15 19:04:10

Smiling forth thanks for your reply you right I am stressed out with it all !!
I have of course spoken to friends about this several times but I feel like I'm just saying the same old stuff to them ! They say go to c s a and he s an ass excertea but they have not been there themselves with all of this.
I guess I want to know where I legally stand with re to changing her school and I'm really tired of his threats ...
Should I document everything ? Is anyone a solicitor ? Should I get this moved to legal ?

mindyourown15 Thu 13-Aug-15 19:26:04

Def go to CSA and formalise contact too. Norm is EOW and a night in the alternate week. And they all threaten to go for custody - empty threat which should be ignored.

namechangedforachange2 Thu 13-Aug-15 20:17:13

Yes think it has come to that !! And that's what I ll do.. But what about the moving of schools ? Can he stop that ?

paulapompom Thu 13-Aug-15 20:24:20

I think when you get the custody arrangement formalised you can ask about changing schools and anything else that's worrying you. I can say from experience that taking anti depressants is not an issue in caring for your dc and that is something a bully would say. Get some good advice re the legal situation x

WellWhoKnew Thu 13-Aug-15 20:30:23

He can apply to court to prevent you changing their schools (e.g. be an applicant seeking a preventative steps order). This means he will have to pay a court fee, and get a hearing scheduled before a judge. And turn up for it.

Your task will be to prove that you're not being unreasonable.

In the interim, you have to take the steps that he wishes to prevent.

That's the process. You can choose to represent yourself, or get legal assistance should he decide to actually play merry hell with you, long before he makes an application. As long as you can withstand that (or take steps to prevent it)...then you're free to change schools.

I realise that sounds like cryptic...but basically you can do it - but with control freaks, they don't freaking think so.

Smilingforth Thu 13-Aug-15 21:15:17

CSA is part of the answer; the other is building your network of friends as a coping mechanisms - some will be there for you more than others.

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