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So I've found out my stbxh is about to move to another country- but he hasn't told me or the children...

(18 Posts)
SteadyHand Thu 13-Aug-15 13:53:38

I posted this thread in May and received some fab advice, thank you: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2386829-So-I-have-evidence-of-my-husbands-infidelity-How-long-do-allow-him-to-keep-lying-to-me
Anyway, he is now in a proper relationship with this woman. Our divorce is progressing. He has been sporadic with maintenance in the past month and hasn't seen or called the dc in 5 weeks.
I was told yesterday by one of his colleagues that he has handed in his notice and is moving country to live with this woman.
I think I'm in a bit of shock- 4 months ago we were still sharing a bed as husband and wife, now he is walking away from his entire life, including his dc.
I've seen evidence (on social media) of him bragging about leaving, I know the date he flies. I text him last night to ask of his plans regarding where he'll be living in September when the dc go back to school (he used to do some after school care, but obviously that will stop), but he hasn't replied. He never replies.
Shall I tell him I know? I need his new address surely for the solicitor? I don't know if he is planning on telling the dc.
I might be overreacting, perhaps it is none of my business where he will be living.

BitterChocolate Thu 13-Aug-15 13:58:54

If he's sporadic with maintenance I think you should urgently talk to your solicitor to see if there is any way of seizing some of his assets before he leaves, because there is a chance he will completely stop maintenance once he is abroad and you will have no way of making him pay. I'm not sure if it's possible to do where you are, but I know of a case where it has been done where I am (Ireland), and it was just as well that the mum did because the father went no contact as soon as he left the country and she would never have been able to track him down.

WavingNotDrowning Thu 13-Aug-15 14:05:05

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SteadyHand Thu 13-Aug-15 14:12:13

Thanks for the advice, my solicitor is on holiday but I'll contact her when she returns.

WavingNotDrowning Thu 13-Aug-15 14:15:23

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SteadyHand Thu 13-Aug-15 14:32:31

I just can't understand how he could do it.

Twinklestein Thu 13-Aug-15 15:06:48

I don't think you should wait until your solicitor gets back, can you not talk to another solicitor in her office?

Morganly Thu 13-Aug-15 15:16:03

I think you need to get the financial aspects of the divorce sorted as a matter of urgency before he leaves the country and is outside UK laws.

hellsbellsmelons Thu 13-Aug-15 15:22:10

My Ex did exactly the same.
I got payments for a few months but have had nothing for 5 years now.
When they are in another country it's impossible to pin them down and get agreed payments.
As a PP said, try to get hold of some of the assets asap.
It is completely unbelievable how these people can just walk away from everything. Leaving everything to you to deal with. You did this together, had kids together and they can just literally fuck off with no consideration at all as to what they've left behind.
I've never been able to understand it. Don't try, you'll never get the answers.

MagicalMrsMistoffelees Thu 13-Aug-15 15:29:55

Wow - is he for real? What an awful human being! I just read your previous thread and am shocked that a husband and father can behave so disgustingly.

He sounds like a child. Ignoring your messages and his children. Leaving his job / financial security to move abroad. Chatting like a yoof online whilst speaking about his family like they're worthless. Getting a tattoo because of a dream his online 'girlfriend' had. Just pathetic!

And you are left to pick up the pieces, worry about housing and bills, look after, nurture and love the children - and you have a new baby too! How are you coping with the children? It must be so hard. Do they miss their father? Have you sorted out the housing situation? Are his parents being supportive or still defending their sorry excuse for a son?

You need urgent legal advice about what to do. However, if you and your solicitor can't contact him by phone, I'd be tempted to go and see him in person before it's too late - ask him about money and when he intends to see his children again. Seriously, what is he thinking? How dare he abandon you all without so much as a backward glance?

One good thing will come of this if you're interested in seeing him fall flat on his face. I can almost guarantee that in a short time abroad with 'wifey' who dreams about tattoos he will start to find the grass isn't greener. He will start to feel lonely and with that will come self-pity followed by regret (though only for himself) and he'll probably come snivelling back. I hope you are healed and happy enough to enjoy that moment.

SteadyHand Thu 13-Aug-15 15:29:56

I'm so sorry this has happened to othe people too. Have you had any support from their families?? Have they defended their sons' actions?

WavingNotDrowning Thu 13-Aug-15 16:46:37

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SteadyHand Thu 13-Aug-15 17:56:24

Magical- I only just saw your message! The housing situation is sorted to some extent. His parents insisted I signed a joint tenancy with stbxh, and my solicitor agreed that I should, because he would have to pay half the rent. Unfortunately, he has held this against me at all opportunities, and gives this as the reason he can't/won't pay maintenance. I, of course, have no idea whether he is actually paying his parents half the rent. That's between them. I don't have any practical support from family, but I have managed to find a couple of people I can pay to babysit if I need to go out for some reason. Other than that, I don't get any kind of a break. This weekend, he is having the dc overnight at his parents for the first (and now probably last!) time since he left.
You mentioned the tattoo woman- that was his first affair, this woman is the second. I wonder what lies he's told her. I presume he's told everybody that I'm stopping him seeing the children, which is why he has no reason to stay here.
Waving- it all sounds fairly similar to your situation, sadly.

MagicalMrsMistoffelees Thu 13-Aug-15 19:59:44

Oh it's just outrageous, what a lowlife. I'm sorry you haven't got anyone you can rely on to give you a break. I read a lot of awful stuff on here about people who treat their partners like absolute crap but this situation really stands out for me and makes me so cross. Perhaps because I've got a small baby myself at the moment (as well as two older ones) and the thought of having to do everything for them all on my own ALL THE TIME is scary, even before you add in the financial and housing concerns that situation would bring. And then, after all that, you've got the pain of what he's done to you and your children which is incomprehensible. You deserve a medal.

His parents sound awful - why can't they offer to help? You are looking after their grandchildren on your own because their son has abandoned you. I love my three boys more than anything and will always be on their side - but if they behaved like this to the mother of their children I would be furious! And the mother would know I would do everything I could to help her. I guess their disinterest gives some explanation as to why your hasband turned out he way he did.

I hope you get good legal advice and some peace of mind soon. I'm so sorry you and your children are going through this but you will be the winner. You'll always have them and mutual love between you. When he's grey and old all he'll have is his tattoo getting wrinklier by the day.

Smilingforth Thu 13-Aug-15 21:32:04

How awful for you. Stay strong and don't let up.

hellsbellsmelons Fri 14-Aug-15 08:34:16

I didn't get any support from Ex-MIL and FIL.
They are pleasant enough but were not supportive.
But they are 180 miles away.
My family and friends were an absolute god send.
I have no idea how I'd have got through it without them.
Lean on friends and relatives as much as you can.
They will want to help you.

SeasideSunshine Fri 14-Aug-15 08:55:33

I had a similar situation here, as my stbx was planning on moving abroad to be with his fiance. Of course, this was his second fiance in less than two years since we've been separated. He'd already quit his job the year before and moved across the country to be with the OW, but a few months later she dumped him.

A few months ago I was told that he was moving abroad. He didn't bother to tell me when he moved across the country (his mum rang me and told me after he moved). He didn't bother to tell me that he was moving abroad, although a slightly amusing twist was that immigration there detained him and sent him back. He still hasn't mentioned it - he thinks I don't know.

His fiance from abroad is still visiting him regularly here (although he is very quiet about it - he is very careful to try to hide things). I'm just waiting for him to try it again. He hasn't paid maintenance in over 18 months anyway so I am not even going to deal with that part. It's just more aggravation for me, as he won't pay it.

MIL is vulnerable and he is living with her right now - doesn't pay rent or anything to her, she does all his cooking, cleaning, laundry. He intimidates her and she has memory problems and other health problems. The last thing I would ever do is put her in the middle, so I try not to discuss it with her unless she asks. I won't lie to her though, and she is horrified at how he is acting, but she is afraid to step in, as he is living with her and quite intimidating, and he is her only living child and she feels dependent on him (god knows why - he does nothing for her but create more work and stress).

It's tough. I guess with my stbx I have just had to accept that he is a miserable excuse for a father and try to minimise the damage to the dcs. He rarely sees them, even though he lives quite close. They are way down on his list of priorities. Doesn't stop him from telling everyone that I won't let him see the dcs, which is completely untrue. He just can't be bothered.

Get good legal advice, but also focus on yourself and the dcs. Don't let his fuckwit behaviour make you bitter or angry. I really struggle with that, but find when I can just ignore it and focus on my life, I am less stressed over it all. You can't change the way he behaves, you can only really minimise the negative impact it has on the dcs.

Smilingforth Fri 14-Aug-15 09:53:05

The kids must come first and anyone moving away isn't doing that

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