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how best to deal with a controlling ex?

(5 Posts)
WavingNotDrowning Thu 13-Aug-15 11:59:26

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BertieBotts Thu 13-Aug-15 12:18:53

Do you have a solicitor? I would try to push all legal stuff through a third party so you're not trying to deal with it alone. If you need it you should be able to get legal aid after an abusive relationship, although I'm not sure if they require proof or what kind.

Presuming you don't plan to get married again any time soon would it perhaps be easier (if disappointing) to go for the two year separation thing instead?

Never rely on him for childcare. Assume that he is not going to turn up, and you're doing the right thing by taking them out if he doesn't turn up on time, but don't get guilted into doing special trips and expensive things, just go to the park or a relative's house or even the supermarket or something. Depending on how old they are you could not tell them he's coming until the last minute.

Can you go through CMS for maintenance? As in get them to collect it from him? I know it costs money but at least then he couldn't pay it late or refuse. You won't have to ask, he's clearly enjoying that element.

Unfortunately fun dad vs struggling mum is pretty typical, you just have to grit your teeth and ignore that. Remember that money can't buy love.

Don't let him into the house at all. Have DC ready to go when he's due to arrive and bundle them cheerfully out of the door. You could also do handovers away from the house.

Not sure about passports - can you renew them without sending the old ones? It might be worth phoning the office and asking what you can do if your ex has taken the passports and you want to renew them. When you get the new ones, don't ever give them to him unless he is actually taking them abroad. Don't trust him to do any kind of favour because he's likely to be using it as a control lever!

I think this is all stuff you're doing already so just hang in there really and don't give him the satisfaction of a reaction. Somebody mentioned making it clear to him through your reactions that you are totally indifferent to whether he sees the DC or not - if he knows that he's inconveniencing you or upsetting you, then he's more likely to mess around.

WavingNotDrowning Thu 13-Aug-15 13:11:35

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BertieBotts Thu 13-Aug-15 13:25:41

Ah right, sounds like a total nob angry I recognise your name actually so possibly posted on your threads.

Sorry I can't help with legal stuff as it's going over my head a bit now. Hopefully somebody else will know! flowers

mindyourown15 Thu 13-Aug-15 14:39:01

I would report the passports as stolen and go via CMS for maintenance. Can you change the locks so he cannot barge in?

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