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How to deal with my anger over the other woman?

(13 Posts)
doublechocchip Thu 13-Aug-15 10:22:34

When I first found out about dh's affair I wasn't even angry with her, just him. Now 3 months down the line dh and I have separated (my decision- he wants to try and work things out I don't) and I am just filled with fury and rage towards her.

It was someone he worked with, I met her a couple of times, she liked pictures of our beautiful kids on Facebook and still happily took up with him, don't get me wrong I'm furious with dh too but this woman was also a mother and married and still she didn't care. She's even been promoted. I worked for the same company and had handed my notice in 2 weeks before I found out to be a sahm which I would have retracted if it had been a different place of work but this woman could have potentially been my boss one day and my branch was one they used as a headquarters so she would have been in regularly. Plus all the horrible gossip about it all.

I'm usually so laid back but this whole thing has made me more angry than I thought possible that her life seems to get better while mine has gone to shit. Single mother on benefits.

I don't know what to do next will the anger fade eventually? I literally stand there shaking with it sometimes. I hate them both.

springalong Thu 13-Aug-15 10:32:24

I feel as angry now towards her as I did when I found out. It has been compounded by her interference in contact and financial matters and her pushing me. The family courts don't care at all. It is her and ex's smugness and that their lives have improved whereas mine has not. They "compete" with me financially over the DC - wtf. I back away from that but DC don't seem able to realise the manipulation. Like you I am a sahm and have found getting back into the professional work place very difficult.

AuntieStella Thu 13-Aug-15 10:39:05

It's OK to feel anger towards her.

Her role in changing the course of your life cannot be overlooked. Because unless your XH would have shagged anyone, she was the receptive/encouraging one he chose and was his partner in the whole damn thing.

Your XH is however the one who betrayed you.

I don't think anger is something that needs to be turned off from one person because another has done something even worse (and it's probably not healthy to stifle it). So do not let your anger towards her displace anger (and other strong reactions) towards him.

category1 Thu 13-Aug-15 10:49:36

It's natural to feel anger, but I would avoid stoking it - so if people are telling you about her or you can see what she's up to online, you would be better telling them not to talk to you about her and blocking her. Don't go round in circles thinking about her. Stop yourself when you're on that track.

sammasati Thu 13-Aug-15 11:53:43

Malcome X said anger is a gift, you have every right to be angry with both of them, they killed your dreams and hopes, have fragmented your life as you knew it with out any thought to you.

Just use that anger to drive your life forward.

Smilingforth Thu 13-Aug-15 18:42:45

The sooner you can let go of your anger the better; it can be destructive.

winkywinkola Thu 13-Aug-15 19:05:28

Well I'm not surprised you're angry.

Some people have zero morality. And that impacts on the lives of those who actually wouldn't dream of behaving so badly.

Having said that, the best revenge is living well. So get that anger of yours and channel into every which way you can to make your life the very best you can.

Are you certain you and your h can't get past this? It's completely understandable if you can't. But do you need more time?

Your anger will fade over time. Other things will become more important. And those jerks who behaved so disgustingly will either not figure in your thoughts at all or you will simply feel pitying contempt.

You mustn't focus on the silly slag though. That would mean she's still controlling your life.

AnyFucker Thu 13-Aug-15 19:27:55

Does her husband know ?

springydaffs Thu 13-Aug-15 19:37:14

Nope, sorry, I do not believe that anger is best swerved. I'm with Malcolm X on this one.

Imo it is catastrophic to deny immense anger. Yy people can get stuck in anger but most don't want too; most recognise that is not healthy in the long term. But in the short term, anger is healthy. You have a great deal to be angry about. Don't squash it, as uncomfortable as it is to let it roll through.

When you're quaking with anger, let it out - safely. I found a rounders bat wacked on the bed, with attendant screaming expletives, very cathartic. Choose the mode that suits you but get it out.

Bcs the time will come when it runs out of steam, the end of it naturally comes. Hold on until then, be brave.

Plus I am a firm believer that people reap what they sow. I didn't used to believe it, thought it was a platitude, but I believe it now bcs I've seen it. Theres a satisfaction in that if I'm honest. Justice.

doublechocchip Thu 13-Aug-15 20:55:25

Thanks for replies. I like the idea of the baseball bat on the bed! I've actually taken up a martial art and I bloody love it for letting loose on the pads I just wish I could go more often!
Reassuring to hear it may fade it scares me how angry I get. And thank you to who said not to stoke the anger by thinking of her, there are a couple of 'well meaning' people who tell me of her movements/if they've seen her and I'm going to speak to them to just tell me if anything joyfully bad happens to her.

Anyfucker- I fb messaged her husband the situation but he hasn't read the message it must have gone to his other inbox. I do have their address and would like to speak to him in person but am too scared to go.

Snugglepiggy Thu 13-Aug-15 20:56:49

Don't let anyone tell you at this stage the OW is irrelevant and and all your anger should be towards your H as he's the one who owed you loyalty.That's what I advised and it only made me angrier.I'm not ashamed to say I hated the OW for the way she manipulated her situation and work routine to be around my DH.And for the fact she knew all about my family and problems with our DD when I knew nothing about her family.Barely knew of her existence until her DH found texts on her phone and confronted my DH.
We did stay together after much soul searching ,counselling and primarily I think because I found out before it became a fully physical affair and DH did everything possible to repair the massive damage done by his behaviour.
In the end I went for individual counselling which helped express my anger in a safe unbiased place.That said several years on I unfortunately cross her path as she unbelievably started an identical business to mine - not what she was doing when she was sending my DH sexually provacative messages -in the same area.Just the sight of her can still set my teeth on edge.But as the other poster said the best revenge is living well.And I am.
I heard recently marriage ended,and I take no pleasure in that.Feel sad for all the heartache she and DH and caused.Feel sad for her DH and DCs.Not everyone will agree but I chose to forgive my DH -will never forget- or we would have had no future.But apart from when I see her she occupies no part of my brain now.
It's very early days so rage away as safely as you can,and use the energy that generates to propel you forward with or without your DH.I wish you all the best and so sorry you're going through this shittiest of times.x

Gabilan Thu 13-Aug-15 21:11:02

"most recognise that is not healthy in the long term. But in the short term, anger is healthy."

I view anger as being a bit like an itch. Fine to give it a scratch, not good to keep going until you're raw and bleeding.

springydaffs Thu 13-Aug-15 22:13:09

I get the point but volcanic rage is a bit different to an itch. Everyday anger is an itch but not anger on this level. This type of anger fills the universe when it's at its height. Got to get into it and kind of purge it out of you, from the inside out.

Good plan to stop people telling you stuff about her. You've enough to be going on with, you don't need more on top.

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