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Need advice :(

(13 Posts)
YUDOTHIS Thu 13-Aug-15 08:09:30

hi guys... first post in relationships. Me and DP have been together for over 4yrs, "we" have two DC's (he came along when DS was a baby we have a DD together, I will NEVER take him from DS despite his parentage)
I've known him for 10yrs though, if this is relevant.
DP is depressed. badly. always has been, which has sometimes led to nasty treatment to myself (Not abusive as such although could be termed as EA, cold and disinterested non affectionate behavior, no real sex life in 2.5yrs)... I'm feeling numb to him now. if i had to describe it it'd be like depression but sort of aimed at him. I love him so much i really do I've not doubted that for a single second but between his unfair treatment of me (Which stops when pointed out a few times) my own body insecurities (caused by having 2 young dc's and his disinterest) and so many things I do know I blame him for sad we've talked and talk and i just can't find a way forward with it. we're financially wellish off but not millionaires, we're in the process of buying house etc. We've also had a problem with cam chat websites where he was accessing them yet actively refusing sex with me...dd was under 6months old at this point. he denies talking to these women (its a site specifically for this) we have no webcam so its not like he would've cammed but i think he did IM these women. otherwise he would've just gone on a bog standard porn site rather than a site for chatting. its like going to jimmy choo for socks! pointless at best...
anyhow.. all of this plus his general disinterest, staying in bed not getting dressed some days and just vegging out in front of a video game or film while i keep on top of housework, work full time and look after 2 dc's (he works full time but can drop shifts at an hours notice) to be fair hes not done this for a few weeks now and only does it for a day or so at a time but when he does he's bloody useless, i feel so bad saying this as i know its the depression. he is receiving medical help at the moment. just... ugh. i'm dreadfully, dreadfully unhappy here sad sad But I love him so much. btw not sure if i put this in we've talked about all of this- he knows this. he knows what hes done and he feels awful and i truly believe that but neither of us can find a way forward and tbh with you guys i dont even know if i want to sad

TheoriginalLEM Thu 13-Aug-15 08:12:14

the webcam use has bugger all to do with depression.

FolkGirl Thu 13-Aug-15 08:16:03

What exactly is it about him that you love?

Or is this a case of you having a strong emotional reaction to the thought of being on your own with 2 small, children and the change to your life and interpreting it as love.

Because I cannot see what there is too love and I'd have dumped at the cam girl stuff, tbh with you.

YUDOTHIS Thu 13-Aug-15 08:25:39

Oh I know thats got bugger all to do with depression.
sorry if i made it seem that way, I've not long been up so im not the model typist by any means!
I love all sorts of things about him, his jokes, the fact we used to (rarely do nowadays) be able to piss ourselves laughing about absolutely shit all, he is very caring and considerate, most of the time (about10 percent of the time hes a cold, thoughtless arse). I know this relationship is most likely doomed (I can't even yet say it IS doomed- denial much sad ) however it just hurts. maybe its fear at becoming a single mum to two dcs like FG said, I dunno but it bloody hurts and i dont want to lose him.

pocketsaviour Thu 13-Aug-15 11:53:54

What treatment has he sought for his depression?

If it's none, I'd bin him off, sorry.

FolkGirl Thu 13-Aug-15 12:43:40

If I remember correctly from another thread you are v young, are you not?

I ask this not to assume you are too young to know anything, but because you are at the very start of your life. There can be so many amazing adventures for you and your children ahead of you and this 'man' does not deserve any of your youth, your beauty or your spirit.

If I have your age right, i am twice as old as you. And if someone had told me at your age that I could do better, and not that i was lucky to have a man and that this is what it's like for everyone, I wouldn't be where I am now emotionally.

Take your children, live your life, be amazing and don't give this useless shit any more of you than he has already taken.

Oh and being a single mum isn't that bad. I'm on my second round of it now and, believe me, it's a damn sight better than being stuck in a shitty relationship with an abusive, faithless whore of a man.

Good luck flowers

FolkGirl Thu 13-Aug-15 12:48:39

And even if I'm wrong and you're not half my age, the above still applies!!

mindyourown15 Thu 13-Aug-15 15:09:39

why would you stay with someone who webcams girls? That is just foul. He has no respect for women. How low is your self esteem that you think this is acceptable. Ignoring you and being rude is nothing to do with depression and everything to do with him being an utter twat.

Smilingforth Thu 13-Aug-15 18:34:00

He needs help; be very wrong and tell him it's a precondition of your relationship.

Smilingforth Thu 13-Aug-15 21:24:40

Sorry meant to say he very strong!

KetchupIsNearlyAVegetable Thu 13-Aug-15 21:32:04

If he has been depressed for ten years, I'd say that's actually his personality.

If he had been normal for ten years then been depressed for one year, it would be different.

As a pp asked, what treatments has he tried?

YUDOTHIS Fri 14-Aug-15 06:32:29

Normal for the first 7yrs and the 14months or so of our relationship then became depressed around a very big and significant event in his life (Don't feel its up to me to disclose, but it was a very big thing) he's on his 2nd type of anti depressants but right now the name escapes me, He's had private counselling for 4 sessions but didn't gel with the counselor, he's been referred for cbt by the gp but our local waiting lists are very long, he's about to start with a new private counselor and considering trialing cbt or hypnosis privately,
I know he is depressed, I wouldn't say it if i wasnt absolutely sure of it, he can be a twat, but its only when hes in his darker times of depression when he gets particularly bad (unattached and cold etc) for more than a couple of days a self harming episode ensues... he's got multiple issues from his childhood so has faced a double whammy really as from what i understand (he has trouble talking to me btw*) all of the stuff he pushed back from his childhood/teen years (he's in his late 20's now) but didn't deal with all resurfaced with this big event and really battered his mental health.
He has trouble talking to me as every time he tries to talk to me about something thats been on his mind, his mind just goes "Blank" he gets frustrated and feels like a failure for being unable to talk to me and that can just make him worse, i do still try though as sometimes we will be able to talk about some things. thats why i feel i dont really know the full story in relation to his depression.

Smilingforth Fri 14-Aug-15 11:06:05

Depression is very hard to understand if you don't have it yourself. I would encourage him to seek alterative medicines via his GP if this is not working.

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