Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Is this a red flag?

(61 Posts)
FunFunFunFun Wed 12-Aug-15 19:31:50

I made the mistake of asking my new boyfriend "What are the three top things you look for in a woman?" He thought about it and replied: "Intelligence, sense of humour, and looks".

The last one unnerves me. Does this mean he's shallow? Would it be a deal-breaker for you?

thisisnow Wed 12-Aug-15 19:34:15

Not really, he's just being honest and there needs to be an attraction otherwise it's more of a friendship!

fieldfare Wed 12-Aug-15 19:34:34

Wouldn't bother me tbh. We are all attracted to people we find visually appealing.

scarletforya Wed 12-Aug-15 19:36:04

He's just being honest. Most people would feel similar. It's ok to find some people more attractive than others.

fuzzywuzzy Wed 12-Aug-15 19:36:19

Don't you look for someone you find attractive?

For me it's important I fancy my partner.

FunFunFunFun Wed 12-Aug-15 19:36:32

But is attraction really up there in the top 3 for most people?? Looks are not static.

fuzzywuzzy Wed 12-Aug-15 19:37:19

Would you go out with someone you didn't find attractive?

daisydukes229 Wed 12-Aug-15 19:38:06

Of course that isn't a red flag.
Nobody thinks "oh he's really ugly. Yep I'm going to go and ask him out"
You have to be attracted to someone. Most people who don't say looks are on their list are lying.

Keeptrudging Wed 12-Aug-15 19:38:15

No, it's not shallow, it's reasonable. Most people go for looks they are attracted to, it's only shallow if they don't care about anything else. If he'd said big boobs, minted and is a nymphomaniac I'd be concerned grin!

FunFunFunFun Wed 12-Aug-15 19:38:19

I'll be honest, his comment made me feel really self-concious and worried that if/when my looks dwindle in the future, that'll be the end of us. Not sure I can deal with that pressure. Someone talk sense to me as I am obviously being unreasonable to feel this way.

Spellcheck Wed 12-Aug-15 19:39:51

I have to fancy people, shallow as that may be, before I'd go out with them. They don't necessarily have to be good-looking in the conventional sense, but I have to like the way they look. I think he's being honest - which is another one in my top three things!

FunFunFunFun Wed 12-Aug-15 19:40:16

Would you go out with someone you didn't find attractive?

I wouldn't BUT I wouldn't list attractiveness as important enough to warrant a spot in the top 3!! I feel really sad that this appears to be the norm, based on the responses to this thread sad

woowoo22 Wed 12-Aug-15 19:41:55

But if you're attractive at (x) age presumably you'll always be so? Ie not youthful but attractive?

FunFunFunFun Wed 12-Aug-15 19:44:02

Can you explain woowoo22. Aren't "looks" associated with age and weight?

SanityClause Wed 12-Aug-15 19:44:17

Isn't it a compliment? He's going out with you, and looks are important to him, ergo, he likes the way you look?

Findtheoldme Wed 12-Aug-15 19:44:21

By not dating someone because you don't immediately fancy them you are missing out on a great relationship ime but no, definitely not a red flag. He was honest, looks came last and he was just answering the question you asked..

PearHead Wed 12-Aug-15 19:44:35

I think you're reading way too much into it, OP. No red flag there for me at all. I think it was probably a fairly off the cuff response. If you'd asked him what he was looking for in a life partner, for example, I kind of doubt 'looks' would have featured.

SanityClause Wed 12-Aug-15 19:45:01

(Presumably, he also likes your sense of humour, and intelligence.)

GallopingFoxley Wed 12-Aug-15 19:45:17

You should maybe work on your self esteem because of course looks are important to people when looking for a partner. If he'd have said ' a perfect size 6 figure ' you'd have a point

sticklebrickstickle Wed 12-Aug-15 19:47:00

Looks can definitely mean more than age and weight.

I think most people are attracted to people based on looks but not all looks will be lost by age - nice eyes, a cute smile etc will stand the test of time!

Costacoffeeplease Wed 12-Aug-15 19:47:08

Aren't "looks" associated with age and weight?

Really?confused

PearHead Wed 12-Aug-15 19:49:50

Actually, this kind of reminds me of that Sex and the City episode where one of them convinces herself that her new boyfriend is just too good to be true, and ends up rooting through all his stuff in an attempt to catch him out. He discovers her doing so and quite rightly breaks up up with her for being crazy wink Again, I wouldn't read too much into one innocuous comment, OP.

PearHead Wed 12-Aug-15 19:50:32

Unless he's giving you any other massive red flags, obviously! What's he like otherwise?

FunFunFunFun Wed 12-Aug-15 19:51:11

Costacoffeeplease yes really. Old, fat people generally aren't held up as attractive in our culture, right?

happygirl87 Wed 12-Aug-15 19:51:11

Was coming on to say what PearHead said- I would take that to mean what he looks for in a woman if he was single and seeking someone, NOT his three most important qualities in a mate for life!

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now