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Need some help with this please.

(25 Posts)
RyVeeta Wed 12-Aug-15 15:41:07

He's just got up. No meds yet, that does make a difference.
He said he missed sunlight in the bedroom. (My fault, put a blind up but haven't finished it yet so it doesn't lift). I laughingly said, it's okay, no sunshine today, so got a short lecture on sunlight entering the earth's atmosphere/daylight etc. thought we were mucking about, and told him lightly to fuck off with the lecture, really just mucking about, smiling, the lot. No, apparently when it's daily, (it isn't) it's cumulative (something I have expressed before). So, now we're onto the fact that apparently I never back down, I'm always telling him off and I really should learn to say sorry. ( I did actually say sorry at some point but got told I don't want your sorry, when I pointed out that he had asked me to say sorry, I got told I'd found a hole in his argument and why did I need to pick him to pieces). This escalated from a very silly and flippant remark in a matter of seconds and I'm confused, I'm really unsure whether it's me or not and if it is then I need to change my behaviour as he says.
Someone help please. I'm not well because of the cumulative effects of his illnesses, but if it's me I will go and talk to the doctor.

TheoriginalLEM Wed 12-Aug-15 15:49:03

can you be abit more specific please? bit confused. what illness does he have?

pocketsaviour Wed 12-Aug-15 15:57:46

Hi OP,

Do you want to be a bit more specific about how your marriage currently functions?

Maybe link your previous threads?

RyVeeta Wed 12-Aug-15 16:06:56

I post here now and then to let off steam
Maybe I'm just too impatient these days.

Dawndonnaagain Wed 12-Aug-15 16:11:12

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RyVeeta Wed 12-Aug-15 17:41:22

He has some physical difficulties and has had mental health problems (ptsd and depression) for over 20 years.
He tried acting as though nothing has happened, again. He put some music on very loud, and now he's gone back upstairs.
<sigh>

springydaffs Wed 12-Aug-15 18:05:12

Grim. it sounds thoroughly exhausting and dull. My patience would be suffering too iiw in your shoes.

I don't know, I can't help thinking abusers hide behind labels like PTSD, depression etc. I've had both and I didn't put my loved ones through the mill like this.

SugarOnTop Wed 12-Aug-15 18:20:13

well you don't HAVE to put up with his abusive behaviour and attitude. his disability is NOT your responsibility so you don't have to allow yourself to be manipulated or blackmailed into accepting a situation that isn't good for you.

by the way - it isn't you, it's HIM.

Smilingforth Thu 13-Aug-15 21:55:29

Very hard, my thoughts are with you. flowers

RyVeeta Fri 04-Dec-15 16:18:14

Have posted elsewhere again so that it goes, but back to being called an abusive bully. I even have to change when I breathe in a sentence so he doesn't misconstrue it. No, I'm not joking, he actually said this last week. I'm scared. I'm scared to speak, I'm scared he's going to tell his CPN I'm abusive (I'm not, he is, she can't see it, he's too clever). I don't know what to do anymore. He said to me today that I shouldn't 'sit there like huddled like an abused woman because I"m not, I'm just playing different roles after different roles'. I don't even know what he means. Dd keeps trying to tell him that it's not me, but if we tell him he's not well, that's being manipulative and playing mind games with him. I ended up in tears again last week wondering whether it really is me and 18 year old said he's gas lighting Mum! (That's a word we're not allowed to use, too)!
I'm so tired of it all. Please help and please don't tell me off, just reassure me it isn't me.

PurpleDaisies Fri 04-Dec-15 16:20:39

Is there a reason why you're still with him? It sounds like you need to get out. Have you got anyone that can help you leave? Or could you contact women's aid?

FredaMayor Fri 04-Dec-15 16:30:13

OP, deferring to OH will help neither of you. Your relationship is on an immature footing (at least as far as OH is concerned) and you can only really change that if you take charge - ideally both of you should act responsibly but if it has to be you initially then so be it. Stop being scared of him by being the adult in the relationship. Bullies need to be stood up to - it's the only language they understand. And get RL help, this situation will wear you out if you don't.

RyVeeta Fri 04-Dec-15 18:31:52

Just tried to talk about it, pointed out that he'd complained about when I took a breath in a sentence. The response was "Do you believe that"? "If you want to believe that nonsense? Apparently there are all sorts of different scenarios and realities which one can believe!
WTF!!!

pocketsaviour Fri 04-Dec-15 18:42:13

OP. How old are your children? How damaged do you think they already are by you having kept them subservient to this bullying piece of shit?

tallwivglasses Fri 04-Dec-15 19:06:42

OP you're not responsible for him. I recognise this kind of behaviour. Nothing you say or do will make it better because nothing you say or do can make it better. Please detach from these conversations, don't engage, better still, get away from them.

RyVeeta Fri 04-Dec-15 20:13:25

Have tried to reason with him, but apparently I wield power obliquely.
I asked for an example and he brought something up, said in all innocence, some three years ago that was an example of how I demonstrate that I'm in charge. Paranoid, and strange and I can't deal with this nonsense anymore, he's trying to get me to admit that I was using it as a power hold. It really is so odd that it's (to me) inexplicable.
Pocket my youngest are 18. Please don't have a go at me, I get enough of that here, daily.

pocketsaviour Fri 04-Dec-15 20:16:45

I'm not trying to have a go at you OP. But you are the only person who can change this situation. You have the power and control to protect yourself and your children from more abuse. Are you going to do so? What do you want to get from this thread, if not?

ifyouregoingthroughhell Fri 04-Dec-15 20:29:40

Hi OP.
Pocket doesn't have a go at anyone, she says it as it is.

Please stop listening to his drivel and analysing it.
If you are the only one in the relationship that self reflects enough to ask "Is it me ?" then I generally conclude that it is not.
You will get lots of support and understanding from people if you accept that, due to his abuse and manipulation, you are not currently yourself or thinking straight.

tipsytrifle Fri 04-Dec-15 20:42:57

RyVeeta - pocketsaviour is a wise gem of wisdom, for sure. This sounds horrific, like an escape now situation actually. He finds your breathing offensive. Beware.

tallwivglasses Fri 04-Dec-15 21:01:04

Please stop trying to reason with him. It's pointless. Maybe he was a reasonable man at one point but he's not now. Whether it's mental illness or abuse, it's irrelevant.

AnyFucker Fri 04-Dec-15 21:23:53

I think this man will hurt you physically, very soon

RyVeeta Fri 04-Dec-15 21:38:27

Sorry pocket so used to being on the defensive.
He won't hurt me physically. Doesn't fucking need to, does he.
I am trying to think straight and think there may be a solution. I will talk to the GP next week. I think I want leave, just not sure how to go about it. He is physically disabled as well as mentally ill, so huge guilt factor there.

pocketsaviour Fri 04-Dec-15 21:51:09

No problem OP flowers

Your "D" H will be entitled to help from adult services to see to his physical needs, so he won't be left helpless lying in his own piss or anything, if you and the DC leave.

If the house has been adapted for him, then it would make sense for you and the DC to move elsewhere, at least temporarily.

Do you own the house or rent? Do you work? Are your DC still studying, are some of them working?

I ended up in tears again last week wondering whether it really is me and 18 year old said he's gas lighting Mum!

It sounds like they are well aware of what's going on and will be delighted for you all to see the back of this vile piece of shit.

As well as talking to the GP next week, also ring round some solicitors, find some who do half-hour appointments for free and book one or two sessions. Find out where you stand legally - knowledge is power and will make you feel more confident when he starts making up bullshit (such as "if you leave me you'll have to pay me maintenance.")

IonaNE Fri 04-Dec-15 22:08:58

OP, several posters have asked: why are you still with him?
Why are you still with him?

ifyouregoingthroughhell Fri 04-Dec-15 22:28:06

You are questioning your own mental health at the moment.
That is his influence on you.
When you have left, after a short while, the fog will clear.
You can't be thinking straight while you are trying to keep everything "normal".
Somewhere deep inside yourself you know it's not you.

It is your choice, even if it doesn't feel like it is.

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