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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Finding this hard

70 replies

stargirl1701 · 12/08/2015 15:33

I'm struggling with my Dad. He has just phoned to TELL me he is bringing his new girlfriend to DD2's first birthday celebration. I said No.

It's a small afternoon tea for the grandparents and godparents in our house.

I haven't met this girlfriend. He has known her 6 weeks since meeting her online in June. My Mum has been dead for 9 years now.

I feel like I can't believe that he doesn't realise how inappropriate this is. She's a stranger to everyone - including him! 6 bloody weeks!

This happened with his first girlfriend too. He insisted she came to DD1's Christening after he had been in that relationship for 3 months. It was awkward as my Mum's family were there. He spilt up with her after 6 months.

He has thrown his toys out of the pram and now isn't coming at all. Honestly.

OP posts:

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TheoriginalLEM · 12/08/2015 15:37

i am sorry to read about your mum.it must be difficult but maybe it would be nice for him to bring her. maybe suggest you meet up before so its not so awkward? i do understand but she might be lovely

stargirl1701 · 12/08/2015 15:39

The birthday is this Sunday. I suggested we meet, with the girls, next week for lunch or coffee. We are away in Edinburgh tomorrow and Friday at the fringe.

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pocketsaviour · 12/08/2015 15:40

Does he ever suggest meeting up with the girlfriends when it's not a big family occasion - e.g. just popping round for tea so you can meet?

I'm wondering if he's deliberately choosing large occasions in order to a) steal the focus of attention from your DC and/or b) to show off to the rest of the family that he's still "got it"

Costacoffeeplease · 12/08/2015 15:41

Or maybe big family occasions as there's safety in numbers and you're less likely to kick off at him?

pictish · 12/08/2015 15:44

As much as I sympathise with the loss of your mum, I can't believe you're being so arsey about something as normal and innocuous as this.
She's his new girlfriend...why shouldn't he want to bring her along? What's the big deal?

stargirl1701 · 12/08/2015 15:44

No. It's always the big occasions. With his first girlfriend, who was delightful, he invited her to a family Christmas dinner. She expected about 6/8 people from his description. It was about 40 people (all the aunts/uncles and cousins). They had been together about 8 weeks at that point. She was horrified. I didn't see her again until the Christening about a month later. Both sides of the extended family - about 80 people.

I'm sure she's lovely but it just seems weird to me. And, inappropriate.

OP posts:

pictish · 12/08/2015 15:45

What's inappropriate about it?

Costacoffeeplease · 12/08/2015 15:46

Inappropriate how?

stargirl1701 · 12/08/2015 15:48

The big deal is that I have never met her. He just met her. I can't fathom why he would want to bring her. She knows no-one. No-one knows her. It just seems so inappropriate.

And, the just telling me it was happening. No asking if I minded. Or, how do I feel about it. Just, I'm phoning to tell you that I'm bringing X who he has known for 6 weeks.

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stargirl1701 · 12/08/2015 15:50

Inappropriate to bring a complete stranger. Inappropriate because at times like this my Mum is in my thoughts.

I would feel so much happier about lunch or coffee next week. In a cafe or at his house. A walk in the park with the girls.

Just not this.

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Costacoffeeplease · 12/08/2015 15:53

I guess he wants to bring her so he can introduce her to his family, no-one will ever know her if he never brings her

stargirl1701 · 12/08/2015 15:55

But, why so early in the relationship? Why not wait until he knows it has a future? I don't get why I need to meet everyone he dates. They have been on 6 dates! Total.

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Costacoffeeplease · 12/08/2015 15:59

Well if it bothers you that much then tell him you don't want to meet any girlfriends until he's known them 6 months or a year or whatever you think is appropriate

It sounds as though you resent him having girlfriends, sad though it is that your mum died, it's 9 years ago, he's entitled to enjoy the rest of his life and have friends and girlfriends, would you rather he sat in all the time on his own, lonely and depressed?

Joysmum · 12/08/2015 16:01

I totally agree with you OP.

He needs to introduce new people to the family in less intimate settings. This is an occasion to mark your daughters first birthday so the focus should be on that, not meeting a new girlfriend.

If you're dealing with the birthday, you could be accused of not being welcoming.

NerrSnerr · 12/08/2015 16:02

I know it's difficult but I think you're overreacting. I would paint a smile and invite her. If it makes your dad happy then it can only be a good thing.

BitOutOfPractice · 12/08/2015 16:03

I don't really get the "inappropriate" buit either

You can still hold your mum in your thoughts whether she's there or not. I'm sure he'll be thinking of your mum too

BitOutOfPractice · 12/08/2015 16:04

Maybe he finds t hard to turn up alone to these big occasions? I know I do, when everyone else seems to be in couples.

stargirl1701 · 12/08/2015 16:04

No, I'm delighted that he has found someone. I want him to enjoy his life. I would be happy to meet next week. Happy to introduce her to my girls. Just not at this celebration which is for family. She's not family. She might become part of our family in the future but right now she's a stranger.

This is his 5th girlfriend in 2 years. I just don't get why he doesn't take the time to get know someone, date them, then introduce his 'partner' rather than girlfriend.

This is the first time I have said Mo.

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ImperialBlether · 12/08/2015 16:04

He is thinking of himself and not you at a time when you really need him to be thinking of you.

It must be such an emotional time for you. It's clear you were close to your mum. Of course this is a time when you will miss your mum and wish she was there. For him to bring another woman is really horrible, for you and actually for the woman herself. He should show some respect to you and to her and wait until he knows her well enough, then ask to bring her to meet you one afternoon for half an hour.

Do you get on with him when you do meet up with him?

ilovelamp82 · 12/08/2015 16:05

I completely understand where you are coming from. You want to enjoy the day but will no doubt be thinking of your Mum on that day.

I would say to him that you are not opposed to meeting her but not on that day because you wouldn't feel comfortable. If he can't understand that then I wouldn't want him there anyway.

stargirl1701 · 12/08/2015 16:08

We have a really great relationship. This is the first time in my entire life I have said No though

He's my Dad. I want him to be happy. And, you know, I get that he's excited about a new relationship. It's an exciting time.

But, just not this one thing.

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Costacoffeeplease · 12/08/2015 16:08

Unless there are other background issues, I feel a bit sorry for him having to compartmentalise his life until you think it's appropriate to meet his girlfriend. He's probably proud of his family, and wants his friends to meet you all, does it not help to just think of them as his friends?

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stargirl1701 · 12/08/2015 16:09

That is what I said. Happy to meet next week, lunch, coffee, whatever. I'll drive down to them.

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janetandroysdaughter · 12/08/2015 16:09

Yes it's inappropriate. Maybe you could ask to meet her beforehand but not at the party. The focus should be on his granddaughter.

stargirl1701 · 12/08/2015 16:12

Now is appropriate to meet her. Happy to do so. This one event is inappropriate.

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