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Have I cheated?

(51 Posts)
Realitea Wed 12-Aug-15 14:48:56

I've had a male friend for 12 years. I've always found him exciting and funny and all those good things and yet despite always liking each other we never quite got together.
We've both been married the same amount of time. Both have a few problems in our marriage.
We talk off and on, we always have. Over the past few months things got a little more intense. I was going to meet up with him (we never usually meet) then he cancelled saying it would be a bad idea. Then he was going to visit and I cancelled. It's like we are both toying with the idea but would never go through with actual cheating.
I have now said its time to stop for good. I am terrified our partners will find out some way. But it's not actually cheating is it? Or is it?
I know we will never end up together - I don't even find him that attractive. I think it's just the attention I like. And I like him as a person he just makes me happy and like a person again rather than a wife and mum.
I spoke to a few people years ago about him and they said he's a serial cheater. He does admit to it. I feel for his wife. I feel horrible for being involved in it too in some way.

overthemill Wed 12-Aug-15 14:49:51

Yes. You have been unfaithful. And you know it

Glitteryarse Wed 12-Aug-15 14:52:28

I think your sailing very close to it.

Just avoid him now. It really isn't worth wrecking your marrage over. Focus on you and your DH and fix what needs fixing there

SwingingBalls Wed 12-Aug-15 14:54:33

You're on dangerous ground. If you're terrified of your partners finding out then you're clearly up to no good and you know it.

KurriKurri Wed 12-Aug-15 14:59:06

People who are not cheating, are not usually terrified their partner will find out they are not cheating.

AnyFucker Wed 12-Aug-15 15:02:24


Joysmum Wed 12-Aug-15 15:02:50

If you need to keep any aspect of your relationship with another, it's because you know this crosses their boundaries. Being unfaithful means not being faithful to the boundaries.

Sighing Wed 12-Aug-15 15:03:46

Trust your gut. Meeting would be fatal. You're dancing along an EA. Back away and focus on why you're looking for fulfilment not from yourself for your gosls etc.

Realitea Wed 12-Aug-15 15:04:08

But we have never met up behind our partners backs. we both agree in 'real life' we would not be the same and would be very embarrassed.

FortyCoats Wed 12-Aug-15 15:04:11


TokenGinger Wed 12-Aug-15 15:06:12

It's not physical cheating, but you're very close to it being an emotional affair. In fact, it probably already is.

And it's not yet physical because you haven't met.

Unfaithful? I'm not sure how you'd define that. But you're definitely being disloyal to your partner.

AnyFucker Wed 12-Aug-15 15:06:26

could you show all the messages between you and him to your partner ?

Finola1step Wed 12-Aug-15 15:07:22

You may not be physically cheating but you are emotionally cheating. And it sounds like you are very close to crossing that massive boundary. You can pull back and ask yourself why you entertain this situation. Admit it to yourself what it really is.

Realitea Wed 12-Aug-15 15:07:33

No I couldn't. That says it all doesn't it.

Realitea Wed 12-Aug-15 15:08:25

I think I just feel unloved and unappreciated and unattractive.
My Dh is like a best mate but he's distant..we sleep in separate rooms for a start.

FortyCoats Wed 12-Aug-15 15:08:30

Tell your husband. He'll let you know whether you're cheating or not.

FortyCoats Wed 12-Aug-15 15:10:58

That's shit but cheating is not the answer. No excuses.

Try to work on your marriage (both make an effort) or leave.

I wouldn't be leaving for Mr Serial Cheater though!

Realitea Wed 12-Aug-15 15:11:45

I'm tempted to tell him. Maybe it'll make him realise he needs to show he loves me if he does. We nearly separated last year for other reasons and it seems he only wanted to get back together because he didn't want to be separated from the dc's

AnyFucker Wed 12-Aug-15 15:15:28

that is a shit situation but cheating or saying "look what you are making me do" is not the answer

cut off contact with Lover boy and either agree with your husband to get your marriage back on track or separate as amicably as you can

FortyCoats Wed 12-Aug-15 15:17:04

I feel for you. I might come across snappy but only because, imo, when one person in a relationship is not aware what the other is doing, I consider it cheating.

Stop communicating with the other guy. Set a limit if you wish, no contact for six months say. Then get communicating with your husband. You both deserve to be happy so you've got three options as far as I can see...

Repair your marriage together


Agree to an open marriage

Whatever happens, no secrets.

Good luck

Realitea Wed 12-Aug-15 15:17:56

You're right. I will. He must want to be with me. I hope he does. I feel like I annoy him and he's always going on about me losing weight which really pisses me off I'm only 7lbs more than I was when I met him.
So there's lots of background.
Lover boy is out the door from now on.

mindyourown15 Wed 12-Aug-15 15:18:25

If you are unhappy in your marriage then leave. But starting up with a man who is a serial cheater is never the route to happiness, and you know that already. Be on your own. You don't need someone new to run to. You can just be single.

Realitea Wed 12-Aug-15 15:20:22

Dh has hinted at the idea of an open marriage before. He knows I'm very open minded and I have thought about it actually. Seems like the lazy option though. I'm sure it would result in bitterness

Realitea Wed 12-Aug-15 15:22:10

If my Dh and I split up I wouldn't want to be with the serial cheater.
I would never trust him and besides he's married and has his own things to fix too.

mindyourown15 Wed 12-Aug-15 15:31:31

why stay with a husband who wants you to lose weight and makes you miserable? What a waste of your life. And to be flirting with a married man, well I guess your self esteem must be on the floor. Don't you think you deserve better than either of these men?

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