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Coping with abusive ex. How?

(7 Posts)
Midori1999 Wed 12-Aug-15 14:48:29

Any support would be much appreciated.

My husband moved out during an argument last October. He had used moving out as a form of control/abuse for some time. Knowing it left me distraught (I suffer from depression) and feeling unable to cope. In October I was actually suffering from a life threatening physical illness too (could cause sudden death, now in remission) and my hospital consultant wasn't happy for me to be alone with no other adult at night.

Since then the abuse has continued although we are officially separated and although he said he would attend counselling and did attend some individual sessions he has repeatedly told me he hates me, can't stand me, that I'm useless, won't be able to get a job, no one will want me, I should just get on with my life because he can't stand the sight of me etc etc. it all came to a head recently when he found out I'd dated someone else and since then his abuse has escalated.

I am still in our army house and trying to arrange other accommodation and sort out finances. He doesn't pay maintenance but does pay the nominal rent, although I understand (maybe as in Scotland?) that I would be entitled to child maintenance on top of this? He has repeatedly threatened to have me thrown out, to cancel my phone contract, bank card etc.

He has previously been difficult about contact, especially if he knows I have something planned. I am applying for jobs and he said he would help with weekend childcare, then that he wouldn't and he previously said he would have all the children when I am in hospital for surgery I need but now he won't. He is off work this week and was meant to have the children today and babysit tonight here so I could go to my slimming club. (Two of my children aren't his) yesterday I said if he was going to use contact as a way of controlling me maybe a solicitor and court order would be the best way of dealing with contact. He went mad, shouting at me, calling me a 'money stealing bitch' because I want child maintenance and has not seen the children today. He says this is because I said he needed a court order (that's not what I said at all) and he is seeing a solicitor tomorrow and wants to collect them after that.

This is all exhausting. I just want to be out of this house and completely independent of him. I have no family support nearby at all and no one will be able to stay while I have my surgery, so not sure what I'm supposed to do? I can't move back near my family without his permission as it would mean taking them out of Scotland.

I don't know why I'm letting this upset me, but it is. I don't know what I expect anyone to do either if I'm honest, or why I am posting.

Hissy Wed 12-Aug-15 20:43:16

You need to go to the army welfare officer, ask them for advice and help and get his abuae of you registered. It may be that they can refer you to housing dept to get you housed.

Try to have as little informal contact with him as possible, get it all in writing.

Keep strong, keep him out of your lives as much as possible.

mindyourown15 Wed 12-Aug-15 21:31:58

You need Women's Aid. How often is he demanding contact? Do you need permission from him to leave Scotland?

Smilingforth Thu 13-Aug-15 21:49:27

Stay strong! Thoughts are with you!flowers

Midori1999 Thu 13-Aug-15 22:41:10

Thankyou. I spoke to the welfare officer and army welfare when he left. He's high ranking and if I'm honest I think that affects things. Plus, he's very mild mannered with everyone else. Someone from army welfare is coming tomorrow.

I also spoke to women's aid when he first left and although it was helpful to talk, I'm not sure they can really do much, but they did help me
Find a solicitor.

I'm feeling a bit better today and more in control. He saw a solicitor before he collected the children today and he didn't really mention it except to say it was expensive and he couldn't afford it and why couldn't I be amicable? So I suspect he may not have liked what they said.

I'm out with a friend on Saturday and have a second job interview on Tuesday, so am concentrating on those for now.

SolidGoldBrass Fri 14-Aug-15 00:36:21

Have you talked to your GP or other health professionals about the situation you are in? There must be some sort of provision for people who simply do not have another responsible adult to look after them or their children when they have major surgery - some people really don't have any family at all. Explain to them that you are divorcing your abusive H and that he cannot be trusted to look after the children because he likes to mess you about.

Smilingforth Fri 14-Aug-15 05:33:06

I agree with solidgoldbrass - there must be another way to get a responsible adult and the doctor should know that or be able to point you in the right direction.

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