DH trip abroad

[jugglingmonkey]

So DH goes away annually with a group of mates for a weekend, no problem. Last year it was 3 nights/4 days and I found it really hard going with an almost 1 yr old at home. I was grumpy when he got home, explained that I didn't want to be, but that I was ragged and exhausted. We discussed that in future years, while kids were young, he'd do 2 nights.

This yr has now been organised and DH wants to go for 3 nights/4 days again. At which point I'll be 34 weeks pg. Am I being unreasonable to put my foot down and say I'd really rather he did two? We have fought a lot in recent months about me being controlling (reality is he has alcohol abuse issues, another thread). He has currently given up drinking (3.5 weeks in), and I've no idea what would happen if he went on this trip- suspect it'd go out the window.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

I reckon you certainly did find it hard going last year; he probably showed you no contrition for you feeling like that either. Its all about him and his needs/wants.

What do you get out of this relationship now, what needs of yours does he meet?.

Your DHs trips abroad (and yes he will drink whilst on them) are only a small part of a very big iceberg below the surface here i.e. his alcoholism and your part you are playing in same.

He giving up drinking by himself is an attempt bound to fail (and you will be blamed for that also). I would also think that practically all his friends are infact problem drinkers themselves; alcoholics seek out the company of other problem drinkers.

Did you go to Al-anon after all; I can appreciate it is more difficult at present but you really need their support as well.

You are still playing out the usual roles common to such dysfunctional relationships (provoker and enabler to name but two); alcoholism is truly a family disease and it does not just affect the alcoholic. Your children will see all this as they grow as well; you cannot fully protect them from the realities of his alcoholism.

Is this really the model of a relationship you want to show your children; they will not thank you for doing so.

[jugglingmonkey]

Hello, yes I did Al anon a couple of times, and we are speaking about this as a whole extended family now too - no brushing it under the carpet. It's only been a few weeks, but things are far far better, far more equal and we are both happier for it. I'm more relaxed and he is getting more from family life.

I really don't think I can tell him not to go. I have told him I'd rather discuss it face to face (he's been emailing me about it), as I want to discuss the drinking thing in the context of the trip.

And yes, all the friends are big drinkers as far as I'm aware, though unsure if any are proem drinkers...

[OhNoNotMyBaby]

I don't think he is being unreasonable tbh. You can't keep your H chained to your side all the time - nor should you want to. I worked FT throughout 1st, 2nd and 3rd pregnancies with a husband who was often away with work. My 3rd child was induced (10 days late) because husband had to go away for 3 weeks and DD2 was in plaster after a foot op....

You do come over as rather controlling - maybe because he is having fun and you're not? Can you have a couple of days away (with bump) with a friend and leave toddler with H? instead of stopping him having fun, have some more fun yourself.

Re the drinking - if he's given up for 3.5 weeks he's obviously trying. I don't why pp has assumed he is an alcoholic - you have not said that he is.

[jugglingmonkey]

Hi ohno, there are some big drink issues that pp has probably seen in past threads of mine... He's a functioning alcoholic. Not drinking at 9am, but there have been huge problems in recent months, since DS was born really. Some of his binges (and consequent results) have almost led us to separate.

I have taken trips/do have nights out. It's obvs harder when pregnant, but yes I intend to get a few nights off too before DC2 arrives. This isn't really about me being controlling, it's more about my boundaries given what he and I have been through.

[Bogeyface]

So you both agreed on 2 nights and now he has changed his mind?

If you hadnt previously discussed it and agreed then I might feel differently, but as you have, you are not being controlling or mean, just asking him to stick to what he said he would do.

[jugglingmonkey]

Yep, we discussed it last year. He's brought it up recently as the trip was being organised again, and he hadn't forgotten what we discussed.

I don't think it's unfair to compromise. I can be the only pregnant woman with a toddler in tow that would rather her DH didn't bugger off for a four day jolly?! Truth is, I probably wouldn't ever plan more than 2 nights away from him/DS either.

[ImperialBlether]

I don't know why people suggest that the OP in this sort of situation should go away herself; what she wants is for her husband to be fair and act like part of the family. She's got a very small child and is pregnant - all she wants is someone to act like a parent, too. If she went away for a couple of nights I would imagine her little one would really miss her; it's hard to enjoy yourself knowing you've made a baby unhappy!

[MistressMerryWeather]

You really don't come across as controlling, at all.

If he is dealing with alcohol abuse issues and trying to stay sober then a lads trip is a stupid idea.

Your 34 weeks pregnant for Gods sake, his priority should be sorting himself out before this baby comes, not a holiday.

[LIZS]

And after 4 days of late nights and drinking what condition on is he likely to be in to support you and give you a break from Ds. Selfish man. A reasonable dh would not even have the gall to suggest it.

[jugglingmonkey]

Nice to have some support on here. I'm always petrified I'll be told I'm being unreasonable (too many fights with DH over the drinking)!

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

I have seen numerous threads about OP and her problem drinker H. That is why I have commented the way I have OhNo; infact your words are very similar to what he has said about her and has indeed also accused her of being controlling.

Juggling:-
I take it as read you are not going to these meetings at present but will you be willing and able to return once your second child is born?. You really need outside support as well as MN here.

Talking to him about his drinking yet again has been and will prove to be a complete waste of time. He will likely accuse you of "spoiling his fun" and he uses drink as a way to "relax". Your boundaries are not strong or high enough OP - he is carrying on as he will do regardless of your entreaties and pleas; what you have tried to date has not worked. Bargaining as you have done (yet another technique done by the non drinker) does not work. If he is a functioning alcoholic he should not ever drink alcohol again; that is how serious this is.

I presume he still gets up and goes to work (well for now anyway).

Is this really what you want to show your children when they are growing up as well?. They do not warrant this and neither do you. You need space to heal from his alcoholism and that will only happen when you are all away from him.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

No Juggling, you are not unreasonable here and never have been.

What you have in your home is typical of life with an alcoholic; you just lurch from one crisis situation to another. Its no life for you or your children.

[TracyBarlow]

You are not controlling. If I were 34 weeks pregnant and had another baby at home there's no way my husband would have even considered a jolly with his mates. Not because I wouldn't 'let' him but because he knows it would be a massively unfair imposition on me.

I can understand your husband wanting to go and asking what you thought, but the second you said you didn't want him to go to the whole thing he should have said ok, because heavily pregnant plus toddler trumps the need to go for a piss up with your mates every time.

When you add in the issue of his alcohol dependence hen I'm surprised he wants to go at all if he's really serious about tackling the problem. I suspect he's not though.

[tribpot]

There is absolutely no way at all he is serious about his sobriety if he can contemplate a lads' trip to Amsterdam 3.5 weeks in.

Add to which, you made an agreement last year. What's happened to that?

You agreed two nights, so four isn't even on the table. The question then becomes, how does he realistically think he is going to fare when everyone around him will be drinking, probably from fairly early on in the day? Do any of the friends he is proposing to go with know about his alcohol abuse?

What I suspect will happen is that he will make out you are being controlling, just go anyway, drink anyway and you'll be back to square one. It's time to plan your exit from the merry-go-round.

[jugglingmonkey]

That's kind of where I stand. It's actually less about the trip and him going, it's more how it fits in his staying sober. I am quite sure he hasn't been open with any of them about the drinking. He now just doesn't go out at all and avoids work drinks etc. sensible for now, but he'll have to front up about it at some point.

PLUS I'll be heavily pregnant. I just don't think he sees that as a reason to not go!

[Saltedcaramel2014]

You are DNBU, OP. And controlling? Nope. Not at all. You've a month and a half to go before a new baby arrives, and his priority is pushing your limits so he gets exactly what he wants? He sounds unthinking, at best - selfish, more likely.

[Saltedcaramel2014]

It sounds almost certain that he will drink - thus causing you more stress at a time when you don't need it. He's not putting you or the baby first.

[chrome100]

I actually think YABU.

If he pulls his weight when at home, I think a few days away with his friends is fine, and you should be afforded the same luxury if you want it too.

[FeelTheNoise]

YANBU, this trip has trouble written all over it.

I've just split with alcoholic XP, am due to give birth to our baby in the next few weeks, and I completely understand your concerns. If your DP has the usual defiant stance when drinking, is he likely to get drunk on the way back as an act of defiance? Is he likely to be a nightmare when he gets back?

Get your ducks in a row. You can't underestimate how bloody awful, scared, lost and resentful his drinking could well make you feel at this late stage in your pregnancy

[diddl]

If he's trying not to drink atm it sounds as if it would be better for him not to go at all!

Also, if you can't ask someone to stay & help when you are pregnant & have a toddler, when can you?

I mean it's "just" a boozy weekend away-not for any event that won't happen again?

[Alibabsandthe40Musketeers]

If he was genuinely wanting to be sober, then he would say to his friends 'I am an alcoholic, I'm wanting to be sober, therefore I can't come - have a great time'.

The fact that he wants to go speaks volumes.

[Jan45]

If it wasn't for his history of alcohol abuse I'd say let it go, but seriously he is trying to stay sober but yet goes off on a jolly for 4 days with mates that drink, of course he's going to be back on it then.

Where is the support for you, a one year old and 34 weeks pregnant, Jesus, he's selfish OP.

Have you got a link to your previous thread?

[jugglingmonkey]

To clarify, I'm not that far pregnant yet, but I will be at the time of the proposed trip. Currently 20 weeks.

So there's certainly time to prove he can stay sober, but I fear the trip would be the end of it. Or he'd go wild/incommunicado for four days then back on the wagon once home...

[jugglingmonkey]

No links to previous threads, I only use the app.

And yes, it's a trip they take annually. He was all but packed for it two years ago and I had to ask him not to go because DS was due imminently. Even that was a battle.

[tribpot]

He can't prove satisfactorily in advance that he can stay sober on a lads' weekend in Amsterdam. Your best hope is he is somewhat less than 20 weeks' sober. That's nothing. The merest drop (pun intended) in the ocean.

Alibabs is quite right, he needs to tell his friends he's an alcoholic and he can't go. He needs to tell his friends anyway.

I think you know in your heart he is going to do what he wants anyway. It's not your job to spend hours or days 'persuading' him not to go - or even to stick to the agreement made after last year! He needs to own the consequences of his decisions. You need to decide what they are going to be this time.