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So sad, long post, desperate for advice (and wine)

(34 Posts)
dontknowwhoiam Wed 12-Aug-15 12:15:44

This is a massive post, sorry! Split with dp and really desperate/hoping for support. Background...

Met 7 years ago. Lived in my house. Got pregnant, he bought us a bigger house. He insisted on the house being in his name only. He said he earned the money and I didn't have to worry about things like that. He wanted us to be like his parents (she's never worked/raised the kids/been happily married forever). I offered to pay half the mortgage with my earnings in return for my name on the deeds; he wouldn't have it.

We then went through a rough time; lost our gorgeous twins shortly after they were born. I packed in my career as I just couldn't cope. Things were dark for both of us, although we were still very much in love, just coping with grief.

I started getting a bit tetchy regarding marriage. I craved some emotional security after everything and loved him very much. We had a brief talk on it, he said marriage wasn't important to him, so I walked. No argument, just 'we're on different pages'. Fast forward a week... He proposes! I was ecstatic, he was apologetic and said he just needed a shove in the right direction. We planned another baby and after everything that had happened with our beautiful twins (genetic issues) this wasn't a light decision. We could have been planning another funeral. Dc comes along, I'm thinking we've got our happy ending.

Fast forward to registering the birth. Another argument as he didn't want to discuss marriage. But basically said everyone would think I was a slag if the baby took my name as it would look like I did not know the father.

Over the years my resentment towards him has built up regarding his non willingness to commit both financially and emotionally. We could have the smallest argument and I explode. I've said nasty things in my time. I've done nasty things. I've always apologised, not that that excuses poor behaviour. When dc was younger, it all got too much and I moved out. He made me feel like it was all my fault... I caused all the arguments, then I "moved out and took his baby away". But we had a chat; sorted our issues, things were going well, had another beautiful baby, promised we'd discuss marriage the following year.

So I brought up marriage the following year... We were happy and everything was good. He just shut down. I started getting angry again and I suppose emotionally disengaging.

There's arguments we had 5 years ago that he still resents me for. He gives me money for food and bills and stops this money if we have an argument. He says he "throws money at me" while he works, he doesn't seem to see any value of my taking care of the dc's. He talks a lot about how lucky I am to have a nice house/don't have to work. He says he's sick of putting up with me. Things got really bad at the start of this year... I found out he'd been disqualified for drink driving buy not told me. He'd continued to let me drive his car uninsured (unknown to me) and he'd continued to drive our children about whilst banned/uninsured. He apologised when I hit the roof; but now the subject of marriage has been brought up again, he's decided it's my fault that he lied to me/he was stressed. Whenever he does anything wrong, he says "it's not like I've cheated" or "I don't remember".

This, coupled with no commitment and a silly argument we had last week has resulted in me staying with my parents and telling him we are over.

I know he has given me a nice life, in a nice house and I feel lucky to be a sahm. When we're ok, he's my best friend. We laugh, talk, I respect him and he's a brilliant dad. But how can I just stay with someone who won't commit?

I'm so utterly devastated. I know I've been stupid regarding protecting myself financially and I'm not entirely sure why... I just trusted him and loved him. He always assured me he loved me too and I guess I thought that after all we'd be through and being in love; we'd get through anything. I'm old fashioned in my views on relationships (probably how I ended up in this mess) and just thought you work through things.

It hurts like hell that he's just disregarded everything between us and isn't bothered. We had our happy ending when we were blessed with our babies and I thought that was us for life. Why does someone say they love you, have babies with you, then shit on you from a great height? I don't even know who I am anymore, I gave up everything for this man. I feel so betrayed, angry, guilty... I feel so sad that our beautiful babies were supposed to be from a stable loving home. He's offered for us to continue living in 'his' house on the basis that he's only there on a weekend... Doesn't seem to see how upsetting that this would be for me and it's equally upsetting that he's strong enough to do that. I just don't know where to turn because my life has been about him for so long. What more could I have done to make it work? Someone give me a slap or some wine!!!

HPsauciness Wed 12-Aug-15 12:39:06

I think your assessment of your own relationship is sadly accurate, he did/does love you, but not enough to be married (and thus share ownership of the house) and not enough to secure you financially- withdrawing money away from you and your children is financial abuse.

I don't think you have any option but to quit, and become financially stable yourself, as he simply won't change now, marry or secure your finances in other ways, and as you say, he doesn't value being a SAHP either, so you are on a hiding to nothing.

I can see you are bitterly disappointed and sad about this, and keep thinking 'if only' about the life you could have had together, but better to get out now and secure the future, than live this unstable life with a man who literally can throw you out if he feels like it.

I'm sorry, it does hurt and I'm not sure I can say anything that will make it better.

horseygeorgie Wed 12-Aug-15 12:46:17

The insurance thing would have me bloody livid. That on its own is horrendous behaviour.

It seems a bit like a lot of this is down to the fact he won't marry you. Tbh, he is as entitled as you to his own beliefs and convictions and some people just don't want to get married. It isn't always because of not wanting to commit.

Withholding money from you and DC if you have an argument is not on. It is abusive. Refusing to put your name on the house is not good either as a PP said, you have NO stability.

WorzelsCornyBrows Wed 12-Aug-15 12:56:19

You say he lived in your house at first, did you own that house? Have you paid a deposit into your current house?

His behaviour toward you is financially abusive and the driving thing is disgusting.

You can't continue to live in "his" house with him appearing every weekend. You need to move on with your life. What if you meet someone else? What if he does?

First things first, find out what you would be entitled to in terms of child maintenance and benefits and work out a budget. Do you want to return to work? Factor in childcare into your budget to see if you can work. Find a way to stand on your own two feet and make a real life for yourself. Otherwise you will find yourself back in a relationship with this man who, in refusing to marry you, is ensuring you have absolutely no claim on "his" property or wealth. He sounds very shady indeed.

MatildaTheCat Wed 12-Aug-15 13:00:00

Marriage is about a partnership and let's face it, he doesn't want that. He refuses you equality in every respect. You are 'his woman', the 'mum' to his dc. He has bullied you into accepting his beliefs and making you comply. Otherwise you will be refused money for food and bills. Can you see how horrendous this is? Every now and again he dangles marriage as a possibility to get you back on board before he starts up again.

Sorry, OP. I'm sure this all hurts like hell but you have left him for very good reasons. Even if he married you tomorrow and put you on the house deeds he Would remain fundamentally unchanged. Stay away from him and build up you life afresh.

dontknowwhoiam Wed 12-Aug-15 13:18:11

I've sorted out tax credits/child benefit in between crying and enrolled to study this year in the hope I can get my career back on track (I've been out of work for so long). I didn't contribute to any deposit, it was just another thing he told me he would look after.

I'm so annoyed that he proposed. There was his chance to just leave me be, I don't know why he had to pretend he wanted the whole package. Now there's children involved and it's harder, I've got the guilt of breaking up the family home. I just keep blaming myself and all he has to say is I've ruined his life taking his children away.

Tbh, I know marriage isn't the be all and end all... It's just that it feels like he's saying he doesn't want to marry me and not he just doesn't want marriage. That as well as lack of financial commitment.

Suppose I'm just hoping to hear "it's not all your fault" from people, because I feel in some way to blame!

TheMarxistMinx Wed 12-Aug-15 13:36:44

Why were you constantly "bringing up marriage" with a man who didn't want to get married? I have never wanted to get married and if anyone spent their time badgering me to do it I would be very irritated with it all. Besides who would want to be married to the unwilling, its not flattering and isn't validating anything about you apart from your small victory. I disagree with people who say marriage is about partnership. Partnership is surely about partnership, marriage is...marriage and it really isn't all its cracked up to be. Its also hugely difficult and time consuming to extricate yourself from. In fact the only real beneficiaries are divorce lawyers! Thank your lucky starts you aren't now facing the reality of cuts to legal aid and a stack of bills.

As for the rest of it, the financial abuse, the insurance, and calling you a slag, well you are best rid. Insisting the DC have his name is little different to your badgering over marriage. He is not only abusive, controlling and irresponsible but a hypocrite too.

dontknowwhoiam Wed 12-Aug-15 13:42:30

The bringing up marriage was brought up once. He proposed. So I kind of got the impression that he wanted to get married after he'd asked me to. There was certainly no badgering; although I do take your point. It's not like I'd go running back if marriage was offered, I still have a tiny bit of self respect remaining! It's a combination of all the issues.

ImperialBlether Wed 12-Aug-15 13:45:26

Maybe the OP was in a different position to you, though, MarxistMinx. She had given up her job to look after the children. If she was married, she would be entitled to a share in the house - she's not, now. Why on earth should she count her lucky stars?

dontknowwhoiam Wed 12-Aug-15 14:00:04

Yes I'm not sure I'm feeling very lucky! But I will accept that I was stupid enough to trust him and move in without security. I suppose you never think you'll end up like this. The issue of me not being named in the house was mentioned ages ago but he made me feel like I was gold digging. And I did leave work at the point of me being told that our children wouldn't survive for long after they were born, I really wasn't thinking about anything other than that.

Don't know if I'm more angry at him or at myself!

pocketsaviour Wed 12-Aug-15 14:19:27

I've got the guilt of breaking up the family home. I just keep blaming myself and all he has to say is I've ruined his life taking his children away.

Try to reframe that in your mind, because that's not what's happened here. You have elected to leave an abusive, controlling, thoroughly irresponsible man who has withheld money for food from you and his DC if he doesn't feel your attitude is servile enough.

This is not you breaking up the family, it's protecting your children and yourself from an idiotic bullying douchebag.

Don't waste time being angry at yourself - be angry at him for his manipulative tricks, and use that anger to power forward.

Sounds like you are well on track with benefits claim and signing up for a course.

Do you have any savings? From your previous house sale?

Fromparistoberlin73 Wed 12-Aug-15 14:30:07

you don't need a slap OP

It could well be that the awful loss of your twins broke you as a couple, its happened before. I am so sorry for your loss too.

But you cant stay be the perfect "SAHM" for someone who wont commit and wont marry you.

My honest advice would be to start thinking about how you can be financially independent and work. as to be honest the next steps with people who don't respect their partners is to have an affair.

I don't think he loves you, and he needs to tell you that to your face. As if he does not love you, you need to move on and make a new life. stop feeling guilty too, its not your fault. Children have survived worse and to stay with someone that does not love you will eat away XXX

Oliversmumsarmy Wed 12-Aug-15 14:38:01

how lucky I am to have a nice house

You didn't "have" a nice house, he did. He let you live in the nice house because it suited him. No more No less.

Withdrawing money from you and your dc because of an argument to keep you in line is abuse to both you and his dc. He cares nothing for them or you he just wants you and his dc around to show the outside world what a great guy he really is.

everyone would think I was a slag if the baby took my name as it would look like I did not know the father

Sorry but who says these sort of things? We are living in the 21st century not the 1950s

If he is trying to emulate his parents marriage might I make a suggestion that the next time he tries to, he actually gets married first.

dontknowwhoiam Wed 12-Aug-15 14:39:27

I my moments of clarity, I know I've done right leaving him. It's just he's made me think for so long that I'm impossible to live with, I start doubting myself.

For instance; 4 weeks after we lost our gorgeous twins, his mum literally turned up at the house with their names tattooed on her arm (big, massive, on show type of thing). I lost the plot, cried hysterically and called his mum some horrible names. I was just devastated as their names were so precious to me, I'd had no forewarning, I didn't think it was an appropriate time. I didn't speak to his mum for a long time, but apologised for the name calling and all was well in the end. But he will not let me forget it! We could argue over laundry and he will drop into conversation the time I dared call his mother names. Things like this make me think, is he like this because of me?

Luckily I kept my house and it generates a tiny amount of rental income for me. I'd move back there but it literally would not fit me, 2 dc's and 2 dogs in it.

Fromparistoberlin73 Wed 12-Aug-15 14:46:22

sweet fucking Jesus his mother did that??? WHAT was she thinking? whilst it came from a place of love...wow. just wow

These kind of things can break a relationship, its just too tragic and just---

I am sorry OP, I don't want to demonise him to be honest but I am sure its NOT your fault. "Is he like this because of me"- no you just had an awful thing happen and many, many relationships cant bear it X

Oliversmumsarmy Wed 12-Aug-15 14:52:03

Just be thankful you are out and you kept your own place. Believe me no house can be that small for you 2 dc and 2 dogs. (Been living in 1 bedroom + ensuite since January me, dh, 2 teenagers, 7 cats and 2 fish whilst house is rebuiltrenovated around us)

If you had stayed he would have let you live in his house until your dc went off to uni then you would have served your usefulness.

dontknowwhoiam Wed 12-Aug-15 14:52:47

Thanks Fromparis... It means a lot that someone understands why I was upset over the tattoo thing. She literally walked in, held out her arm and said "tadahhh!" x

Fromparistoberlin73 Wed 12-Aug-15 14:55:50

she basically said that her feeling over her GC trumped yours. Whilst she must have been crazy in grief to do it...No normal personal with an ounce of emotional intelligence would do that. NO ONE!!!

and Yet, I can see his POV that in the midst of grieving he had to deal with you and his Mum at loggerheads.

Nightmare XXX

Oliversmumsarmy Wed 12-Aug-15 14:58:10

"tadahhh!" What reaction was she looking for?

ImperialBlether Wed 12-Aug-15 15:06:18

I would have been really upset by that, too.

I'm so sorry you lost your twins. I can't even imagine how awful that must be.

flowers

ImperialBlether Wed 12-Aug-15 15:07:30

FromParis, no, he had to deal with his mother upsetting his partner. It wasn't "they were at loggerheads" which suggests each played an equal part in it. It wasn't like that.

dontknowwhoiam Wed 12-Aug-15 15:30:17

Thank you Imperial. I think that's what's making it so hard, I feel like I've failed their memory in some way, leaving their Dad. I don't know... I can't believe we were so strong and supportive of each other at the worst time ever, yet have come to this. I might look into some kind of counselling for myself, see if it helps.

Oliversmumsarmy; that sounds stressful/exciting! (But I'd imagine mainly stressful?!), hope your renovation is completed quickly and you enjoy having some space again.

TheMarxistMinx Wed 12-Aug-15 15:40:59

His mother sounds like an ignorant twit of the highest order. Under the circumstances I might have done more than call her a few names sad what a nasty and unthinking thing to do. I can't believe anyone even a son could defend that. But this man lacks reason.

He wants his children to have his name, he wants to run the show, call the shots, dosh out the lolly, control his means of reproduction (you) and keep you dependent upon him. And yet he won't offer you the one thing that underwrites those things...marriage. I know its no consolation now, but you really have had a lucky escape and yes do thank your lucky stars you don't have the hassle of divorce. Imagine, if marriage is so important to you and your values, this man would have had you trapped by your own inability to break with your own ethical code. You feel guilty (you shouldn't) for breaking up a family, added to this you would have had a greater guilt for walking away from your vows.

I don't think you have been silly. Love does require we try to see the best in people. But you have seen the very worst now, a silly person would never have been able to!

I have to say you are making great progress with making claims and sorting out the practical side of things, go you flowers I'm quite hopeless with that sort of thing, so I think you are very far from being silly.

schlong Wed 12-Aug-15 16:05:30

With a deranged mother like that hardly surprising he turned out such a dick. You are absolutely no way betraying the memory of your beautiful twins by leaving him. He is by behaving so appallingly to their mum. Stay strong my love and focus on your dc's wellbeing. Now have a bucket of wine.

elizalovelacey Wed 12-Aug-15 18:01:28

Sorry for your pain op but this man does not love you, best move forward with your life.You can have a much better future ahead for you and dcs away from this selfish man. Belive in yourself.

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