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Is this the end?

(29 Posts)
eeyoredebbie Tue 11-Aug-15 19:38:30

A couple of years ago I found out DH had been exchanging sexual / flirty messages with another woman (in Australia ffs!). We got over it he deleted her etc it never went any further.

He's now started messaging her again ( it started about the fucking cricket) he's sent her a harmless chatty message but ended it Miss you love you xxxx

He's sorry it doesn't mean anything blah blah. Would that be the end for you?

Minime85 Tue 11-Aug-15 19:44:33

I think it might. How can he miss or love someone he hasn't met? Are you sure they haven't met? I'm sorry flowers

eeyoredebbie Tue 11-Aug-15 20:00:58

Thanks Mini I'm pretty sure they haven't met up cos me and DH spend a lot of time together ( I WFH) I also pretty sure they have only recently started talking again. He left their previous message from 2 years ago so I could see he had not talked to her. but he could have used another message service. I found out cos the old message was Finally deleted so I logged on n as him and miss you etc was sent today

Cabrinha Tue 11-Aug-15 20:18:48

"Love you"?
What an arsehole.

Absolute dealbreaker. You gave him a chance, he's just totally taken the piss.

pocketsaviour Tue 11-Aug-15 20:26:49

I think that would exhaust my patience.

InTheBox Tue 11-Aug-15 20:57:01

It's a thing about patience as pocket says. Yes they may not have dtd but messaging an OW like that is still not on. What about the next time you confront him and it dies down a little bit then when he thinks it's 'safe' he restarts.
It's just no way to live, really.

eeyoredebbie Tue 11-Aug-15 22:12:03

He's sleeping in other bedroom for now, clattering about and making fresh bed up sad.

Reekypear Tue 11-Aug-15 23:47:17

Adultery of the heart is no different to that of the body, nobody wakes up in bed having an affair. It starts in the heart, and if it's not progressed to the physical that heart issue needs addressing quick.

eeyoredebbie Wed 12-Aug-15 10:00:00

Can't believe MN was down last night, was so lonely

Just found a cock picture this morning vomit don't know whether he sent it but he took a pic

OliviaBenson Wed 12-Aug-15 10:34:42

He sent it to her? Wow OP, that would be the end for me. It shows a complete lack of respect for you. So sorry OP. Is he apologetic at all?

Jan45 Wed 12-Aug-15 10:35:26

I hope you have his bags already tossed out the window, what an absolute tool of a man, you can do soooooooooooooo much better than this.

Jan45 Wed 12-Aug-15 10:36:16

I don't think he ever stopped talking to her.

FolkGirl Wed 12-Aug-15 10:58:50

IME, what you do discover is only the very tip of the iceberg

I wouldn't have given him a second chance the first time he did it. And if I had, this would definitely end it.

SolidGoldBrass Wed 12-Aug-15 11:33:14

Of course 'she' could be a hairy-handed truck driver after his money, but that still doesn't mean you have to forgive him. Your H is actively seeking relationships and sex with other women. Time to show him the door.

glasshouses88 Wed 12-Aug-15 11:54:23

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

eeyoredebbie Wed 12-Aug-15 12:20:19

He sent the message at 16.08. The pic is timed at 16.23. He has not sent it to her on the chat that I can see but of course there are other means. I haven't checked his phone for example. This was while I was working in my office upstairs!! And he was on sofa downstairs.

He is very apologetic apologised again this morning, he doesn't know I've found the pic yet though. Says it was cheap thrill, didn't mean anything, he loves me, wants to be like we used to be. Other than that he's made very little effort,

We don't have DC just a dog. I can't leave as I WFH with all systems set up etc. I don't have any family nearby. He can't leave as can't drive and cycles to work.

I just don't know what to do we are suppose to be visiting in laws on Saturday.

All very identifying I think but I need advice thanks flowers

Jan45 Wed 12-Aug-15 12:28:08

So second time you have caught him trying to cheat on you, second time you are going to brush it under the carpet, that mound will get bigger and bigger, he will just hide it better now in future.

How can you consider carrying on, he's actively trying to be unfaithful.

Your decision though.

How can he not leave, it's really not that difficult.

Mimigolightly Wed 12-Aug-15 12:32:43

Chuck him out - this is completely unacceptable behaviour.

eeyoredebbie Wed 12-Aug-15 12:37:56

I don't want to brush under carpet. He is in spare room. He won't leave how can I make him? He will be very reluctant to tell his family as am I to tell mine. ,y family aren't very supportive.

I've looked up Relate number. Am on lunch and have to go back to work soon.

I just feel overwhelmed by the thought of separating and don't know where to start.

I have caught him talking flirtatiously several times over the years with different women was just too ashamed to admit before

moonfacebaby Wed 12-Aug-15 12:40:59

I'd chuck him out - he blatantly thinks he can get away with it & is showing you a shocking amount of disrespect.

If you let him get away with it this time, he'll see it as carte Blanche to continue fucking about. Besides, how could you trust him now? You will constantly doubt him, probably spend far too much time trying to catch him out online & he'll find ways to hide it better.

moonfacebaby Wed 12-Aug-15 12:54:04

Look, I understand that it's frightening to think about the end of your relationship - I tried to work through my exH's affair for 5 months. I had a baby & a 6 year old, no job at the time & it completely blindsided me - I did not see it coming.

But I did it. Because I knew that he'd either carry on the affair or he'd do it again in a few years time. I had to rip that plaster off. Besides, I didn't want some twat of a mans half-arsed interest - I knew that I deserved to be loved & to have a loyal partner.

You don't have kids. He's been messaging women for years. God knows what he's been up to as this is probably the tip of the iceberg. Pack his bags, leave them outside the front door & he can find somewhere else to live. It will be tough for a time but you deserve way more than this.

Get some support from friends to see you through. Don't bother with Relate - find yourself a counsellor to help you heal.

This man is incapable of being faithful & honest & it's about time he suffered the consequences for that.

Trust me - you will look back with no regrets at ending this relationship. You are more likely to regret wasting your time with a man who is clearly incapable of being honest & treating you with respect.

eeyoredebbie Wed 12-Aug-15 13:00:20

Thanks moonface. I am going back to work soon but he will be back before I finish my shift. I've become very dependent on him I think, no friends family live at a distance, working from home. At least I have my car now so that opens up the choices. I earn a decent wage but we jointly own the house and all joint finances.

InTheBox Wed 12-Aug-15 14:35:04

If you both jointly own the house and your finances are tangled together then your first port of call is a SH lawyer. Be sure to use this time wisely to gather all the bits and pieces you need. You can't 'throw' him out of his own house and in light of the fact that he's not being physically abusive this isn't as simple as changing the locks when he's not home. Sorry, but that is rarely the case in these instances.

You seem to have built your resolve to see this out. It does get tiring but always look at the light at the end of the tunnel. In the mean time detach and disengage. He'll be telling you he's sorry until the sun comes up but that doesn't change his repeated lies and deception. No-one should be chasing ghosts r.e. 'message was sent at x time but read at y time' - that sort of thing leads to madness.

Thank your lucky stars that you don't have dcs and it's only a dog you have. This makes this a great deal easier. As for your WFH systems they have been set up once and can be set up again elsewhere if need be. You are not tied to this man.

eeyoredebbie Wed 12-Aug-15 15:05:29

Thanks InTheBox that's very helpful.

He will continue apologising and looking shameful when I confront him later about the picture. I will ask him if he has anything else to tell me.

He can't go to his parents unless I take him. I am reluctanct to go and play happy families. So I will have to go off for the day elsewhere or we will be stuck in house together. Should I just say I am not going and leave him to explain? How do you tell your family blushconfused

eeyoredebbie Wed 12-Aug-15 15:11:26

By the way as far as I can see she has not replied to the message unless they are using an alternative.

Why has he thrown 10 years away for a woman he's never met in another country who is probably not interested. I don't know if she's married but she's got kids

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