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Are some people just unhinged?

(20 Posts)
TokenGinger Tue 11-Aug-15 13:32:39

On Sunday, my DP didn't want to meet that evening, said he wanted some time alone. We usually see each other every day, or maybe 6 out of 7 days. I thought ok, fine. Yesterday I asked if he wanted to do something, he said he wanted to be alone again. Then he changed his mind and suggested we go out for food. Then he changed his mind again because he hadn't been to the gym so didn't feel he deserved a treat. I then suggested we meet Wednesday instead, and he said maybe, I'll let you know.

So I called him out and asked him to be straight with me, I told him this evasiveness over meeting is totally out of character as he's usually wanting to see me every day. He just said I was right, it is out of character but that he just wants some alone time, that he loves being in my company, just not all of the time and he hopes I can understand that, and that he just wants a few days alone.

Which I do. It sucks a little bit as I have got in to the habit of seeing him often and I miss him. But that's it - start and end of my thought processes.

(I should mention, although we see each other often, we DO still do our own things - gym, meals out with friends etc then meet later on.)

I was talking to my friend at work about it and another colleague next to her commented that it's because of his culture (his parents are from abroad, he's not). Told me not to be so naive as to think he's home alone, he's with other women etc. I said there's not a doubt in my mind that he's seeing somebody else, I trust him and I fully expect him to be at home playing on his Xbox without me asking to watch something not boring! She laughed and said he's got you fully fooled. I said he called me whilst we weren't together last night and she said trust me, women from his culture understand that they need to keep quiet, he'll have been lying next to somebody and told her to keep quiet whilst he phoned you.

Really?!?! Why would somebody say this? Just because his parents are from abroad doesn't mean that he is categorically going to hurt me like that because he wants a few days alone. I can't help but feel hurt by her comments! Why would somebody say something like that about somebody they've never even met before with zero evidence to base the claims on?!

Stupour Tue 11-Aug-15 13:35:57

What are you looking for here, for people to tell you that he's definitely not cheating because, despite your protestations, you do have a tiny niggling doubt?

We don't know him. You do.

Your colleague was being U and a bit of an arsehole

TokenGinger Tue 11-Aug-15 13:39:46

No no, I don't have a niggling feeing about him. I was giving some context to the conversation. I have zero doubt that he wasn't at home playing on his Xbox.

My advice-seeking is more around understanding why somebody would be so feckless in their comments and hurtful to another person without reason. And advice on how to deal with the working relationship really. I know that she's had a relationship in the past where she was cheated on, so maybe that's fuelling her views.

I guess I just needed somewhere to vent, because it'd be inappropriate to do so whilst at work.

CheersMedea Tue 11-Aug-15 13:42:25

How long have you been together?

It's pretty common for men to be super keen to start with and want to spend all their time with a new woman and then back off for a bit as the new-ness wears off. It doesn't mean that it's all over or that he's seeing someone else. It is the normal pattern of relationships.

Of course, it could be that he is seeing someone else/he's bored and this is the beginning of the end/ he is backing off more permanently - but it isn't definite that this is the case.

I'd just be cool and don't make a fuss. Time will tell. If he's doing that normal relationship ebb/flow thing, then making a fuss can make a man feel pressured which can cause friction.

Mitzimaybe Tue 11-Aug-15 13:42:36

Why would somebody say this? Because it's the first thing that springs to mind when somebody who previously wanted to see their partner every day suddenly cools off and asks for alone time. It sounds like there's an element of racism to the colleague's comments but, taking ethnicity completely out of the equation, it's still a possible reason for the coolness.

That doesn't mean it's true, though. They don't know him; you do. If you completely trust him then disregard the comment and try your best to put it out of your mind.

Stupour Tue 11-Aug-15 13:45:17

She's still hurt that she was cheated on. She doesn't trust men because of her experience. For her, your DP cheating is the only explanation that there can be for why he wants to spend some time alone.

If she ever said something like this again I personally would say 'It's incredibly inappropriate to pass comments like that on someone's relationship so please don't do it again'. If she persists I'd say 'The fact you're basing your assumptions on the fact my DP's parents aren't British is bordering on racist and xenophobic'. That should shut her up- she might be fearful you'll report it.

CheersMedea Tue 11-Aug-15 13:45:38

Oh - sorry - cross post - see you wanted advice about the colleague.

Why would somebody say something like that about somebody they've never even met before with zero evidence to base the claims on?!

I think you are way off to describe her "as unhinged". You were discussing something in front of her. Offering an opinion on something colleagues are chatting about in front of them is pretty normal. And she may very well be right. She may not be. But so what?

If you are describing her as "unhinged", sounds to me like you are over-sensitive and she's hit a nerve for you. Do you secretly fear she is right?

TokenGinger Tue 11-Aug-15 13:47:26

We've been together for 8 months.

I must admit, I do understand that the newness does wear off a little after a while. I have to say, I have enjoyed just lounging alone for the last two nights. I miss him but it's been nice just being alone.

Mitzi - you're totally right. I probably should have thought logically before writing this post, but I posted in anger really! the colleague isn't an important person to me. I should just disregard her comment and not allow it to anger me. It was more the comments me bein naive and being fully fooled that insulted me as opposed to her making assumptions. However, the assumptions based on his background did anger me. But I guess I should view that ignorance as a reason why I shouldn't allow her comments to occupy my thoughts.

sofato5miles Tue 11-Aug-15 13:52:17

I'd get a private detective.

Dynomite Tue 11-Aug-15 13:52:31

I still remember when I first met DP. In the beginning we were full on, seeing each other 5/6 days a week. After a while though I also started to need time for myself. It didn't mean anything else - just that I needed some more time to do my stuff (even if that meant watching tv, in my underwear, eating crap) and we are still together very many years on. Sometimes people need a bit of space.

Of course, when someone says what you said, the first thing that comes to mind to most people is cheating. And you are the one who asked for opinions by sharing this with your co-workers. She might be mean, she might even think she's helping as she truly believes what she said. Either way, it's best not to share stuff like this at work. Keep it between friends.

TokenGinger Tue 11-Aug-15 13:54:23

Cheers - I think she did hit a nerve in calling me naive and whatnot, but not in believing she's right. I'm quite strong minded when it comes to generalising people due to race, culture and background. It really infuriates me. Her comments sounded like the Britain First posts you see on Facebook, so I guess I just saw my arse, but couldn't vocalise it whilst in work.

TokenGinger Tue 11-Aug-15 13:55:57

Sofa - LOL! Absolutely grin

Dyno - Thanks. It's helpful to read that. You're right about the colleagues thing. The friend I was speaking to is a friend outside of work, but I should have been more aware about others listening in.

MagicalMrsMistoffelees Tue 11-Aug-15 14:01:31

she said trust me, women from his culture understand that they need to keep quiet, he'll have been lying next to somebody and told her to keep quiet whilst he phoned you

I'm really curious as to which culture this is where women understand this?!!!

eurogoose Tue 11-Aug-15 14:31:33

I need a lot of alone time, and for me that can often mean 3 or 4 days alone.
I can see how someone would assume the worst in this scenario, but it is just an assumption, especially if there's no other reason to be suspicious.

The only thing that would bother me is that if he's like me and does need quite a bit of time alone now and then, that has to work for you too. DP and I choose not to live together, even though we've been together many years now. It works for us but it wouldn't work for many people. When I was younger it wouldn't have worked for me either.

eurogoose Tue 11-Aug-15 14:31:58

Posted too soon, I'm also curious about the culture being referred to!

HowDdo2You Tue 11-Aug-15 14:35:37

I like time alone also.

Most people could do with some therapy.

MsJJ79 Tue 11-Aug-15 14:36:09

It's absolutely racist and you should probably have called her out on it, although I understand it's difficult as you were at work. I think we have a duty to pull people up on thid insidious, 'I'm not racist but...' type of bigotry as it ultimately does more damage than the more overt type.

My boyfriend is Pakistani and I've had a few stupid comments about how 'they don't respect women' hmm some people are just ignorant and need telling!

TokenGinger Tue 11-Aug-15 15:12:24

His parents are African. He's been born and raised in the UK. I agree, some people are very ignorant! I'm so happy I'm blessed with an open mind and don't judge one person by another's actions.

I'm happy to see other people like to spend time alone, too. It's totally normal to enjoy time apart as well as time together, it's just sad that others appear to think it's such a threat.

measles64 Tue 11-Aug-15 15:22:00

It has only been eight months, just go on enjoying your own life and let him enjoy his time. Men run from clingy women. Look at how Prince W. came running back when Kate partied on.

Diagonally Tue 11-Aug-15 16:56:57

"men run from clingy women"...what a load of old garbage.

It was the complete opposite in my marriage (I had quite a few ishoos and so did he, mind). I was the one who used to pull away.

If things have been quite intense up til now, it's fine to start to thinking about personal space and having those discussions and setting the expectations for the next "stage" of your relationship. It's something you need to agree together though, and if your needs are very different it could be a sticking point. Doesn't sound like they are, though.

Sometimes people do get cold feet though so just be sure this is a "negotiation about personal space" and not the start of him doing a yo-yo impression or gentle fade out.

Keep talking. I think it's when people are reluctant to agree on a mutually acceptable solution, that you know there's a problem.

Ignore your colleague. She sounds about 14 but presumably is over age grin

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