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This is extremely long but could really do with some help

(25 Posts)
Mamadilemma Tue 11-Aug-15 10:58:37

I don't even know where to start! Please only reply if you want to help 😔

I left my dp last Thursday because I have feelings for another woman (I have left him before for her so wasn't totally out the blue and has always known I'm bisexual) I ended up getting back with him last time because he said he would never let us be happy and would make our lives hell. He said he wanted to put her in hospital to get her out the way! He says she's ruined his life! I felt it was easier to just go back to him, he hadn't done anything wrong for me to leave, he does make me happy and tries his best for our family. So I just thought right I will make it work. Anyway fast forward and I couldn't! I felt so guilty because I kept thinking about her constantly and just wanted to speak to her (i didn't) so after asking me what was wrong I blurted out I wasn't happy and he left 3 days later (me and the kids stayed out of the house till he was gone, even though it is my house) fast forward again to Sunday! It all kicked off, he came to pick the kids up to take to my mums, which I didn't know about (my mum has disowned me for being a bisexual) and the girl was at my house, she hid upstairs but when he realised she was there (after getting the kids in the car) he said I wasn't having the kids back and I am a bad mum and they were not my priority! I went to my sisters and she said for me to go to my mums and talk to him rationally. I went and low and behold it wasn't just me and him speaking, my parents got involved too! I got very upset and felt like I was being bullied by 3 people going on at me how I've changed and I'm not the same person anymore! Anyway after 2 hours of this my mum apologised for some of the hurtful things she has said and asked me and xdp to go out in the car and talk just us 2. I didn't really see the point but went anyway. He is so heart broken and literally has nothing left, he has no where to live (currently staying at his uncles) he shut out his family because they didn't like me, he stopped seeing his first daughter because her mum wouldn't have her around me! Although just to add he isn't all sweetness and light! The first daughter was conceived with his ex by cheating on me and her having the baby! I couldn't tell you how many times he has lied and cheated on me. But has seemed to have turned a corner since our last child was born a year ago! (Been together 5 yrs) my parents seem to have forgotten all this crap has put me through and now thinks the sun shines out of him! I totally understand what I've done is heart braking. But I didn't think it was right to stay with someone when I had such strong feelings for someone else, whether it be a woman or man! Anyway in the car he suggested that I go away for a few days so I can make a proper informed decision about what I want! They all said it was a rash decision to leave, which it kind of was as I don't have even five minutes to wee in peace let alone think about life choices! I am now staying with a friend in a different city for 4 days and agreed to have no contact with either of them so I could figure stuff out. However I am no further forward! If I'm with xdp I could be happy by just blocking out my feelings for her I suppose, it's obviously better for our kids that way, I wouldn't struggle for money at all, and I would still have my parents around. If I stayed with my girl I would only see her at weekends for the next year as she is working away, has no money and neither would I. I'll lose my parents (everyone else supports and likes her) and xdp will probably put us through hell! I literally don't have a clue what to do!
If you've gotten this far... Wow thank you xx

Joysmum Tue 11-Aug-15 11:01:49

This isn't about wanting to be with her though is it. You're not happy with him so even if you weren't with her you shouldn't go back to him.

Mamadilemma Tue 11-Aug-15 11:06:06

But I could be happy with humid I allowed myself to be and totally blocked her out! He is a good dad, makes me laugh, helps loads around the house, works really hard for his money, does little surprises for me to make me smile, and is always the best in bed haha

pocketsaviour Tue 11-Aug-15 11:07:04

he hadn't done anything wrong for me to leave, he does make me happy and tries his best for our family.

This is the man who got another woman pregnant while with you and you say he's lied and cheated throughout the relationship? hmm

Tell him to fuck off
Tell your parents to fuck off
Be with who you want
Don't fall for the idea that the best thing for your DC is to be in a relationship with a cheating, lying, shouty, threatening man.

If he makes further threats about your new GF, ring the police to report.

Mamadilemma Tue 11-Aug-15 11:11:43

Yes I understand what you are saying but as cliche as it sounds he honestly has changed so much!

Mamadilemma Tue 11-Aug-15 11:17:15

And also I did choose to have 2 kids with him so can't hold the past against him really can I

TheSnowFairy Tue 11-Aug-15 11:17:35

He's cheated on you, you've cheated on him.

It's really not the best relationship for either of you, is it? hmm

pocketsaviour Tue 11-Aug-15 11:20:03

I ended up getting back with him last time because he said he would never let us be happy and would make our lives hell.

Last time you left him, you only returned because you were scared of the consequences. That is not a reason to get back with someone.

Mamadilemma Tue 11-Aug-15 11:20:56

No I haven't cheated on him!

butterflygirl15 Tue 11-Aug-15 11:24:48

he hasn't changed - he is still bullying and manipulating you now.

Get rid, and don't leap into a new relationship with anyone. be on your own for 6 months-year and work on yourself and your low self esteem. I presume you have been bullied by your parents for years and now you have let him too, plus his cheating.

Jan45 Tue 11-Aug-15 11:36:39

For goodness sake, you don't want him so what's the dilemma, he's a crap partner anyway, god knows why you agreed to back with him to keep the peace, do you not have your own mind?

Mamadilemma Tue 11-Aug-15 11:41:28

I said please only reply if you want to help it have ago at me! I don't need that right now

butterflygirl15 Tue 11-Aug-15 12:10:57

so we offer supportive messages, but because we don't tell you to stay in a relationship which is not good you tell us off?

Smorgasboard Tue 11-Aug-15 13:02:28

Well done him, a whole year he's had the change for, out of 5. Hasn't it been a dramatic 5 years? 3 children for him, 2 for you. As you say you haven't cheated, is this an emotional affair up to now. For some reason you seem to not have as high a priority on others fidelity in a relationship as most do, as you went on to have 2 more children even knowing about multiple affairs. However, when it comes to your life, even though, you say, things are good, you feel you have to leave that for another just because you are merely 'thinking' about her and have not even cheated yet!
What does your GF ( who you have not yet cheated with) make of it all? Does she see a long term future for you? Is that what you want?
I do wonder, given all his affairs that you have no trouble with forgiving, why you didn't just have an affair yourself with your GF? At least test the water as a romantic couple before you change you DC's lives.
At the moment, you don't seem very sure that you have a possible stable future with your 'GF'. I'd suggest some counselling for yourself so you can work things out as you seem to be very indecisive about things at the moment, meanwhile, your kids are in the middle.

notrocketscience Tue 11-Aug-15 13:12:46

Tip-toes in and then out again quietly muttering "troll, troll, troll...surely?

Mamadilemma Tue 11-Aug-15 13:24:33

Excuse me I am not a troll! I can assure you! I have been with her romantically as I stated I have left him before for her and yes she wants agitate with me!

Mamadilemma Tue 11-Aug-15 13:25:44

And I was not telling you off for not saying I should be with him I understand that! However I don't wish to be told I do not babes mind of my own in that manor!

Mamadilemma Tue 11-Aug-15 13:26:21

Wants a future with me*

Mamadilemma Tue 11-Aug-15 13:27:04

Not have a mind of my own*

Mamadilemma Tue 11-Aug-15 13:32:27

And I have already booked myself in for counselling

FanOfHermione Tue 11-Aug-15 13:44:40

Mama you are unhappy in that relationship with your DP. That, in itself, is enough of a reason to leave that relationship.

Whether it is a good idea to start a new relationship so quickly after leaving or leaving in the hopes that you will have a better, nicer relationship with someone else is a different matter.
BUT your parents have NO SAY in that decision.

Your DP has NO SAY on whether it's a rash decision or not, whether you should 'think about it' (make you go away on your own for 2 days fgs!! How on earth is it OK for both him and your parents to to treat you like a child and send you away to 'think about what you have done'?!?)

I can understand he is feeling gutted. But he can NOT force you into going back in a relationship you don't want. Even if he did it last time, it doesn't mean that it's an appropriate thing to do and that he is allowed to force you in this way.

Great about the counselling. I would also read 'Too good to leave, Too bad to stay' to help you decide what is right for you. (Cue: money isn't the only way or the right way to keep your dcs happy and/or to fulfill your life!)

spudlike1 Tue 11-Aug-15 14:33:34

How can you make a decision like this in 4 days. All you have are the barking voices of those around you telling you how to think , feel, behave.
You need to voice your feelings in a neutral space you need to be listened to in a non judgemental way.
I don't think you should rush this, give your self time and space somehow
If DH IS serious about your future he will be prepared to wait for you ...While you work all this out .
Good luck and we'll done for being so brave .

chairmeoh Tue 11-Aug-15 14:44:08

Two separate decisions as far as I can see.
1. To stay with him or not.
2. To get together with GF.
It seems logical to me for you to separate from him, and then spend the next year having a long distance relationship with GF to see how it works out.
It's irrelevant what your parents think, so long as your DCs nearest and dearest all have their best interests at heart.

Twinklestein Tue 11-Aug-15 14:50:56

I couldn't stay with a man who cheated and lied no matter what else was going on.

Mamadilemma Tue 11-Aug-15 18:45:36

Thanks ladies they were really helpful responses x

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