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Are all men selfish self-centred control freaks?? (To some degree)�ȸ65;

(48 Posts)
BLaw007 Tue 11-Aug-15 10:47:35

A bit of Back ground.. ��������

My DH works hard - self employed own business (which I do all the marketing, website and admin 4 in my spare time) and which over the years I've had to give financial backing for.

I work a full time job (traveling UK) look after our 3 DCs (all under 5) manage the house and 2 dogs!

When my DH started his business we agreed I would pay the majority of the household bills in the joint account until he had X amount in his float. He exceed X amount several months ago and made the announcement that from here on going forward I will always pay all household bills (pretty much all my wages) and he will invest the rest in his business float and will give me cash if needed and pay the food bill and childcare and holidays (we have no holidays!)

I always end up paying the majority of food bill, he doesn't get what we need when he goes & if I have to go get the food shopping that being 'my decision' so I have to foot the bill...
He only pays for the kids to go to childcare 3 days per week.. I work 5 days doesn't take a genius to do the math (I have to work from home balance my diary and try to look after 3 under 5s and work + home chores!)
He never gives me any spare cash although he pays for a take away perhaps once per week and will buy me a bottle of wine at a weekend.
It's quiet frustrating as I am left with £109 to my name for the rest of the month and he has several thousand sat in his account (we couldn't even afford drinks at the park today from the cafe we had to take a flask but kids enjoyed it none the less) and he's also bought himself a motorbike this month (I agree to it but still...I mention some new shoes and he tells me I get to go to the national trust with the kids so I have a hobbie)

I also swear he thinks magically the children get clothed/shoes/hair cuts automatically - he has never contributed...or offered even when prompted (he has bought trainers once for 2 of DC)

In addition to the financial situation he comes home from work at say 6, after 10 minutes he wants the kids in bed they are giving him headache, too noisy, he wants to relax etc!!! He has been out with us 4 times as a family this year he says the children are at difficult ages and it's not enjoyable...����
The whole house as soon as he is home walks on egg shells and have to centre around his needs.. I mean excuse me?!
He has a dog that is his (he wanted a big dog) that I have to walk while he lulls on the sofa (he does feed them) his dirty washing can't normally make it to the wash basket and dirty plates get shoved in the sink (even when dishwasher is empty I pick up more after him that each of the kids)
God forbid there are not enough fresh towels or clean work shirt!
He does do a lot of DIY (we bought a doer upper) but not as much as he makes out and he thinks this gives him a pass card for anything else!

He speaks to me generally like something he's stepped in and we rarely agree but he will not listen to an opinion (from me! He is a gent with everyone else) different to his own if I continue to speak I normally get something thrown in my direction.
I ask for support and he takes the mickey and says I'm being needy... And to sort my head out. So I know have to revert to telling him anything he might not like by phone when we aren't around! (I don't want the drama or door slamming) it's never productive and I'm always told im never happy or want to much or I know where the door is!
He never asks me how I am, doesn't buy me gifts for birthdays, anniversary (no card for anniversary either this year) sex is when he wants it how he wants it..! (Sorry too much info)

Am I over reacting??
I feel like he gets off on the control
I don't want my dc to think it's acceptable to treat women like this

I sometimes wonder if it was not for our history (Childhood sweethears) and that he was the children's father and being still attracted to him that I wouldn't be with him. Makes me feel so shallow.

I've texted him today and tried to explain how I feel (at breaking point that I'm thinking of leaving and taking DCs) and he just 'lol get a grip u brat u need ur head testing I do nothing but work' now he's ignoring me and I can't speak to him face to face when he's home as don't want a scene

Any realistic advise would be kindly received please??

P.s I don't have family and only 1 best friend with her own relationship problems and 2 DCs

I'm Worn out and exhausted Xxxx

LaurieFairyCake Tue 11-Aug-15 10:53:35

You don't have to ever justify leaving this giant arsehole of a wanker

LTB

Joysmum Tue 11-Aug-15 10:54:19

I wouldn't put up with any of that. No, it's not normal. My DH can be unthinking but if he knew his unthinking disadvantaged me he'd be mortified, he'd NEVER consciously disadvantage me.

SolidGoldBrass Tue 11-Aug-15 10:58:02

Definitely get rid. As you are married, you will get a good share of the money andongoing maintenance. He's a pridk. See a solicitor and good luck.

LineRunner Tue 11-Aug-15 11:00:26

No, not all men are those things you said in your thread title. Your man is, though.

I think you have every right to leave him. But see a solicitor first. Keep copies of the business records for when he pleads poverty as you divorce him and you ask for child support.

By the way as a single parent, I had huge help paying childcare costs from the childcare tax credits system. I also had child tax credit, working tax credit, child benefit and a little child support, as well as control of my wages. I managed better than I had expected.

Good luck flowers

AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 11-Aug-15 11:04:13

Re your comments in quote marks:-
"Am I over reacting??"

No, not in the least. Presumably you ask that as well because he has made you feel like you are grasping or overreacting.

"I feel like he gets off on the control"

Yes he does and is. The power and control balance in this relationship is well skewed in his favour at your overall expense. You are being emotionally and financially abused by him. He does not care at all for your opinion; you do not matter to him. To him you are the cook, cleaner and bottlewasher.

"I don't want my dc to think it's acceptable to treat women like this"
Indeed. So leave. Do not teach them that lesson either by at all accepting his treatment of you.

"I sometimes wonder if it was not for our history (Childhood sweethears) and that he was the children's father and being still attracted to him that I wouldn't be with him. Makes me feel so shallow".

Neither of these are good reasons to stay within this, this is a terrible example of a relationship to be teaching your children. Would you want this to become their "norm"?. He is the childrens father but that does not negate the fact that he is abusive to you their mother; what does that teach them about relationships?. Its all too easy as well to get hooked into the "sunken costs fallacy" (all this about you being childhood sweethearts and the like); what you forget here is that the damage has already been done.

Seek legal advice and make plans to exit this marriage now before you become a further shadow of your original self.

DurhamDurham Tue 11-Aug-15 11:07:08

I think you know that your own partner is a self centered control freak but, no, not all men are like that. My husband is not, I haven'd had the misfortune to meet other men like your partner so it definitely isn't normal. He sounds horrible and not someone I would wan to put up with.

pocketsaviour Tue 11-Aug-15 11:11:31

if I continue to speak I normally get something thrown in my direction.

Do you mean he literally throws an object at you?

This guy sounds like an absolute jackass. He's not just a cunt, he's off the cuntometer.

Jan45 Tue 11-Aug-15 11:12:01

Nope not all men are like that, just the one you are with. I have no idea why you put up being a slave for another human being.

Creatureofthenight Tue 11-Aug-15 11:13:17

Certainly not all men are like this, thank God.
I really cannot see that you are getting any joy, love, happiness, support - or anything positive at all from this relationship.

Jan45 Tue 11-Aug-15 11:16:46

Nope not all men are like that, just the one you are with. I have no idea why you put up being a slave for another human being.

molyholy Tue 11-Aug-15 11:19:35

He is a massive cocklodger. I would get rid ASAP. He sounds like he has opted out of the financial AND father/husband relationship. You get nothing from this relationship.

DrMorbius Tue 11-Aug-15 11:27:57

He exceed X amount several months ago and made the announcement that from here on going forward I will always pay all household bills So why did you accept that?

In life (in general) you get what you accept. Why do you accept his controlling behaviour?

BLaw007 Tue 11-Aug-15 11:30:51

Thank you so much for all your advice. I have no where else to turn so it really makes a difference to hear others opinions. flowers

I'm really not looking forward to him being home and the atmosphere.

I think u are all right and the best outcome is for me to leave I just need to continue with the courage to do it.

Does anyone know where I would stand with our mortgage??
(He can't transfer into his name alone until he has 3 years books - April next year)

Has anyone got any tips for avoiding tension and coping living with him until we leave?? Xx

foolonthehill Tue 11-Aug-15 11:32:54

Mt ex H was like this.....
not all men are

there is a reason my ex is ex.

maybe read Lundy Bancroft "Why does he do that" ? You will get an insight and clarity about the bad behaviours and it will help you make up your mind what you want to do.

You are right it is an appalling example for the DC
you will probably be better off financially without him too.

BLaw007 Tue 11-Aug-15 11:35:46

Dr Morbis - when I said no that's not what we agreed I was basically told tough and that he would not transferring any money into the joint account. I try to pick my battles as he does have a temper and I have had beer bottles throw in my direction before now sad I'm not saying I'm always the victim as I am I can be quite verbal but now days I rely on the phone to voice my opinion (I know it's not a healthy relationship I just try and foul myself that the good times make up for it)

foolonthehill Tue 11-Aug-15 11:37:39

The finances like the mortgage (assuming you are married) are family assets. There are various ways of dealing with them.....

You would need legal advice.
Try a few family lawyers and find someone you relate to...they should all give you 30 minutes free.

If you can't get personal recommendations then try lawyers registered with "Resolution"

Also if you want to make the most of the time you have get the booklet from Which or google the money advice service site www.moneyadviceservice.org.uk/en/categories/divorce-and-separation

foolonthehill Tue 11-Aug-15 11:41:24

his behaviour is wrong and abusive:

ARV1981 Tue 11-Aug-15 11:43:19

I would see a solicitor, but don't tell him that's what you're doing.

Whats the current situation with the mortgage? Joint names or just yours? The house is a marital asset so likely to be split 50/50 but as the main child carer you may be entitled to a greater share.

As for tension, I wouldn't tell him you're leaving until you're actually doing it. See a solicitor, get your ducks in a row then leave the Bastard.

He sounds awful. You definitely deserve better.

BLaw007 Tue 11-Aug-15 11:43:43

Thank you for the recommendation fool on the hill, I read women are from Mars and men from Venus but still didn't find it much help. I will definitely order but the fact that I'm even contemplating ordering this book is a wake up call that I should just be leaving. Xx

BLaw007 Tue 11-Aug-15 11:45:14

House is in joint names, we have funnily enough had it on the market but sale fell through and little interest there after x

specialsubject Tue 11-Aug-15 11:47:20

leave. Life is too short. You hold a lot of the right cards. Stay and the violence gets worse. You already have things been thrown at you and rape. (because that's what non-consensual sex is) The being a lazy arsehole seems quite well engrained.

the only mistake you've made is putting up with this for so long - but that's easy in hindsight.

no, they aren't all like that - yours has developed into a waste of oxygen and you need to stop wasting your oxygen on him. Otherwise your kids will see this as normal and you risk ending up with more like him.

there should be ways of making him leave and hopefully someone can advise, but meantime stop doing his housework, and consider walking out yourself with the kids. The dogs may have to be dispensed with (this will produce MN screams but people take priority over animals, sorry)

YonicScrewdriver Tue 11-Aug-15 11:50:14

No not all men are horrible. Your man is. Please leave.

microferret Tue 11-Aug-15 11:52:25

god OP, this made me so angry to read!

No, this behaviour is not acceptable. A marriage should be a partnership, not a power struggle. He is a nasty, exploitative, controlling bastard and you need to leave.

All men are NOT like this. The world is full of kind, decent, respectful men who want a partner, not a slave. It sounds as though he is also practising gaslighting on you - making you feel as though you are the one with the problem and causing you to doubt your own judgement.

He sounds like a total sack of shit and you need to formulate a plan to get yourself and your DC out of this toxic situation. As you already do pretty much all of the child care it doesn't sound as though you will find things much different to now - the only difference will be that the bastard will have to give you a fair share of money and you won't have to clean up his mess.

Norest Tue 11-Aug-15 11:54:53

*Does anyone know where I would stand with our mortgage??
(He can't transfer into his name alone until he has 3 years books - April next year)* - This really jumped out at me OP. What do you mean about him transferring into his name alone? Are you saying there are plans for him to transfer your house into his name alone?

[shocked]

If that's the case he is surely attempting to take every single penny away from you and into his control that he can? It seems as though he is slowly working his towards full control over you, in all ways...financially, emotionally, practically.

You seem kind of passive about it all, in this thread at least? For example saying you have to walk the dog, clean all his things etc? Is this because you have basically given up trying to get him to do anytihng because he creates such a fuss if you do?

He is hugely abusive sad. It sounds as though the kids are aware of what a shit he is too, you say all of you walk on eggshells.

The Lundy Bancroft book is really good. you'll find your husband listed right in those pages.

In terms of avoding tension and coping I would say just to detach as much as possible, read up on abuse and understand as much as you can about what is happening to you, and put as much of your focus as possible onto yourself and the kids. Make some plans...like what sort of things you will spend your hard earned money on once he is not controlling it. How lovely evenings will be when he is not about to be an asshole. How wonderful it might be at some stage, further down the line, to meet someone you can actually have sex with who respects you and doesn't demand and actually wants to share mutual pleasure. When he behaves horribly, go back over your mental list and visualising how lovely it will be once he is not able to control you like this anymore.

flowers

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