Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

help! troublesome Ex!

(18 Posts)
veryboredmummy Mon 10-Aug-15 23:53:17

i was with my ex for 5 years, and in that time had 3 lovely children, whom i do adore very dearly. In the past 6 months, our relationship has gone down hill, with many nights sadly ending in several arguments taking place in front of the kids. We split up several times in the 6 months, always remaining in the house or close proximity for the sake of the kids.
However, around 5 months i ago i met a man at the gym, who i think i am falling in love with. This man and i began an 'affair' (I dont consider it an affair because i dont truly think we were together, but my ex does).
I have now moved in with a friend and have begun the process of sorting out access.
The problem, however, is that the man i met at the gym has a criminal record, something my ex found out about. The crimes (which i dont want to go into) vaguely have something to do with drugs and battery. I whole heartedly believe he has changed. I want to involve this man with my children, and have already spent days as a 'family' together.

Does my ex have a right to say this man cannot stay over when my kids are, even though he has never hurt them?

Norest Tue 11-Aug-15 00:03:01

Um yes I think he does. Morally and safety related at least. No idea regarding legally.

Battery? If my ex was having a new partner to stay with that sort of criminal record I'd be extremely upset.

Pucaet Tue 11-Aug-15 00:05:30

No he doesn't have a right to stop you. Basically you're an equal parent and when the DC are in your care you are trusted with the responsibility of keeping them safe so it is up to you who they see and when and there's nothing your ex can really

Joysmum Tue 11-Aug-15 00:15:04

The general advice on here re meeting partners is not for at least 6 months. He may have no right to dictate this man doesn't stay over but you need to consider your kids.

SolidGoldBrass Tue 11-Aug-15 00:25:17

As a general rule, it would be none of your XP's business who you choose to date. But most people would be a but uneasy about a new partner with a criminal record, particularly one involving violence, being around their DC.

However, if this is something that happened years ago and the man has not been in trouble since, especially if he did whatever it was in his teens, it may not be a problem. But if he is only recently out of the nick and still uses drugs recreationally, then your XP might have grounds for involving social services - even if your XP is a cock, he wouldn't be wrong for being concerned.

heyday Tue 11-Aug-15 00:42:22

Sorry, but how on earth can you really have any idea if this man has really changed after only knowing him for five months.
My daughter dated a guy for a few months. He seemed lovely in so many ways. However, once I pulled him up about something my life got threatened, it came out that he was still dealing and taking hard core drugs and later admitted he had murdered someone when he was much younger. He almost destroyed our lives. He came across as the perfect guy but was a bloody monster in disguise.
Why don't you try and let the dust settle after the split with the father of your children. Give yourself time to heal and then slowly, very slowly get to know this new guy. He may well have changed but on the other hand he could just be on his best behaviour right now and the real him will rear its ugly head at some stage. Take it slowly, if not for your sake then for your children's.

butterflygirl15 Tue 11-Aug-15 00:50:12

I think you should be very very careful with this new relationship. Alarm bells are ringing for me. Being single for some time will do you nothing but good. And I would recommend the Freedom Programme too - help you recognise some of those red flags.

Whocansay Tue 11-Aug-15 07:32:33

I'm with your ex. You shouldn't be introducing a new partner to your children so soon. I would also be very worried about the criminal record also. You barely know him but are sure he's changed. Why? You didn't know him before. It's a massive risk to take with your children.

scatterthenuns Tue 11-Aug-15 07:36:17

Oh god, what are you doing?

bloodyteenagers Tue 11-Aug-15 07:46:58

If I was your ex I would be doing two things -
Taking advice from ss about my children being around a violent criminal
Seeking supervised visits based on you putting the children into a harmful situation. And also disregarding their emotional welfare by introducing a stranger to the children.

Whatever you want to do when you are not with the children, that's
Your problem. But you don't introduce children to a violent person

TheCowThatLaughs Tue 11-Aug-15 08:14:07

I would be beside myself if my ex's new partner had that kind of criminal record, and would be speaking to ss,solicitor, police, everyone to try and stop them from getting anywhere near my child! And you hardly know him after 5 months.
You need to put your child first here.

Skiptonlass Tue 11-Aug-15 08:14:54

Whether he has a legal right or not, he's morally correct.

You are making a very serious error of judgement here. You are bringing a man with a history of violence into your children's lives. I'm with your ex - I would be devastated and doing everything I could to stop a violent offender having contact with my kids (and with you!)

take a step back here and reassess. This will not end well.

By the way ....Gym + drugs+ violence = high risk for steroid use. You really, really don't want to go there. Oh, and they're all charming at first.

JohnFarleysRuskin Tue 11-Aug-15 08:21:21

"I want to involve this man with my children"?

You've recently split up and you've decided to involve an ex criminal with your children?

Why? What's the hurry? Why don't you date him- just adults- for a while? You know nothing about him yet.

Bingflop Tue 11-Aug-15 08:29:42

Is like to think OP knows all this and has taken it into account, she no doubt knows the details and has made an informed decision. I mean he could have lied and not told het. I have a criminal conviction for violence. I'm not a violent person usually at all, was in a very bad place. Had been arrested under the mental health act and kicked a police officer in the leg whilst trying not to be taken into hospital to be assesed. I didn't even remember doing it and when it went to court I got given a condotional discharge which is lower than any of the recommended sentences due to the circumstances.
But technically I am a "violent ex criminal" if you were to only know a small details. I'm not violent. Or a danger to my kids or anything. Not everyone with a criminal record is dangerous.

WorzelsCornyBrows Tue 11-Aug-15 08:31:09

Wow! You clearly had concerns about the number of arguments you were having in front of your DC, but you're happy to move a man you hardly know into your DC's home when he has a violent conviction.

Listen, even if this man was perfect in every way, I'd take time to establish a home for you and DC alone, your DC need stability and consistency in their lives. you need to get to know this man properly, not just the version he potentially wants you to see. He might be truly wonderful, if he is, what's the hurry?

Bubblesinthesummer Tue 11-Aug-15 08:33:41

I agree with your ex. Your relationship with ex wasn't going we'll for the past six months and you have been 'seeing' new man for 5 months? You have at least been having an emotional affair.

If you were posting this saying it was your ex that was doing these things in these time scales, people would be shouting at you that he is having an affair.

As for him seeing your children. I'm not suprised your ex is concerned. You have just moved out and you are already spending time as a 'family' with the new man, who has a conviction for battery.

How would you feel in your exs shoes.

starlight2007 Tue 11-Aug-15 08:42:06

I have to say I don't blame your Ex...

He isn't there. and wants to protect his children. The affair not affair is irrelevant.

How long ago were the crimes? I have to say vaguely drugs and battery.. sounds like it is even more serious than you are even putting accross here.

Why is it a rush? The children need time to recover from all the arguments moving... After a break up children need stability.. no reason why you can't date around when the kids are with their Dad.

JohnFarleysRuskin Tue 11-Aug-15 09:19:42

Bing flop- she and her ex split up one month ago and she now really wants her new guy involved in the children. Violent past aside, surely no one thinks that's smart parenting?

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now