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Should I send this email

(53 Posts)
TnBiscuits Mon 10-Aug-15 21:55:57

Ok.. quick back story... no sex, pretty much everything else in relationship is good... however he refuses to talk about the lack of sex....

I'm thinking g of sending the below to him..... good or bad idea? If you OH sent you the below would you be mad? I do t want us to break up.. I just want to know why no sex.

Anyway. ... the email

Hey you,

I've decided to email you rather than talk face to face as I don't want us to argue etc... I want to get my feelings out there as this is driving me insane....

Here goes...

I want to know why we don't have sex anymore... we've been in our house over a year and only done it once in that time. .. I've tried many times to initiate it, but you just don't seem to be interested. (That's the way it comes across to me) you may or may not realise but not havingg intamate affection with you makes me feel very insecure within our relationship, it feels like I'm not good enough for you... the rejection is heart breaking... I've shed tears over it,

I'm asking you/begging you for the sake of our relationship to open up and tell me what's going on and try to fix this... if your not happy, then tell me, if its old man medical reason, then lets try fix it, whatever it is lets talk about it... more than anything I want us to be able to be with each other. ...

I know I'm not perfect. .. my body isn't great, I'm trying to change that.... hopefully you'll prefer a thinner me....

... I love you. .. more than anything.... I love our little family so much.... I don't want to lose that... but this is making me so unhappy...... I just don't understand what's happened to us.. we used to have great sex... I want that back... with you.

Please please please don't ignore this and not reply.......

Thoughts lovely guys

BeCarefulWithThat Mon 10-Aug-15 21:59:40

Take out the bit about you having a better / thinner body. It's totally irrelevant. Also take out the 'old man' reference.

Spurtle Mon 10-Aug-15 22:00:05

I'd send it. It's obviously very emotional, and if you try and talk it through you won't get it all out.

I hope not goes well for you.

Spurtle Mon 10-Aug-15 22:00:53

I hope IT goes well, not NOT goes well blush. Sorry!

TnBiscuits Mon 10-Aug-15 22:02:44

It doesn't come across too selfish?

OttiliaVonBCup Mon 10-Aug-15 22:02:56

Just talk.

The tone in emails can be badly misinterpreted.

Agree, leave out the old man ill things, and the thinner body and the rest.

Just sit down and talk.

ToTheGups Mon 10-Aug-15 22:03:09

I think you have been honest but I would remove the old from before man problem or maybe just write medical problem.

BeCarefulWithThat Mon 10-Aug-15 22:03:24

Please don't put yourself down. You could refer to the lack of sex damaging your self esteem but don't blame your body for the problem. It really isn't the problem.

BeCarefulWithThat Mon 10-Aug-15 22:04:58

Ottilia, OP states that he refuses to talk about it.

TnBiscuits Mon 10-Aug-15 22:06:02

I've tried talking... he's not good at talking about things and we end up arguing and what I'm trying to say always comes out all wrong.... like I'm whining... iykwim...

If I sent it... what do you think his reaction would be?

OttiliaVonBCup Mon 10-Aug-15 22:07:53

Yes, and if he refuses to talk an email will be even worse because he will misinterpret something in it.

It won't help.

WallyBantersJunkBox Mon 10-Aug-15 22:08:25

I agree remove the old man and thinner body bit.

Lacoba66 Mon 10-Aug-15 22:08:30

Hi, OP.

If you want to send this via email, then go ahead, but I will ask you the following;

One year & sex only once? You try to initiate, but he's not recipricating- are there any mental health issues on his part?

Take out the part that says "I'm not perfect & references to your weight or size". Please do this!

No one is perfect OP, but you need to know that if he will not open up to you, then no matter what format you address this in, it will not change and he will not give you what you need.

RepeatAdNauseum Mon 10-Aug-15 22:08:53

I'm guessing by the "please please please don't ignore this and not reply" bit that his usual MO is to ignore you and not reply, so that's what I think he'll do.

Worth a try, though. Just remove the "old man" bit and the references to a better body, because they aren't relevant, and it may well mean he blames your body when it's not the real reason. Don't provide an excuse for him.

BeCarefulWithThat Mon 10-Aug-15 22:09:20

He might try to ignore it.

Or he might reply saying he will try harder, but not really getting to the nub of the problem.

Or he might open up and explain the problem.

Do you think he would consider couples counselling, TnBiscuits?

TnBiscuits Mon 10-Aug-15 22:09:51

Ok... then how do I start the conversation..... baring in mind he will change the subject to avoid talking....

OttiliaVonBCup Mon 10-Aug-15 22:09:55

Is he much older OP?
Are there medical problems?

APlaceOnTheCouch Mon 10-Aug-15 22:11:30

I agree that you should take out the old man part although I'd leave in the medical reason. I'm not sure about the bit about you being thinner because it's offering a reason rather than giving him a blank slate.

I think it's fine to send an email when he's refusing to talk about it.

TnBiscuits Mon 10-Aug-15 22:12:05

I text him before about lack of intimacy... and he just text back sorry... said he could talk as at work.... when he got home he didn't want to talk.... I don't want us to split up .... I just want answers....

TnBiscuits Mon 10-Aug-15 22:12:54

Not aware of medical problems... I'm 38 he's 47

TnBiscuits Mon 10-Aug-15 22:14:15

No mental health issues either

OttiliaVonBCup Mon 10-Aug-15 22:14:35

So why the old man reference?
47 is not old.

Scarydinosaurs Mon 10-Aug-15 22:15:52

How about really paring it back- ask him if he could discuss the lack of sex in your relationship with you that evening. Say it's upsetting you, and you want to get closeness back in your relationship.

Fwiw, I had exactly your dilemma, but I couldn't put it in an email or text, I just messaged him saying we really needed to have an honest discussion. Then I sat down and said to him "what do you think I'm going to say? You're in this relationship too, what do you think is wrong between us" and he said "nothing", then I said "how about the [outlined the total withdrawal of physical contact]" and he said "oh, that".

For me, our relationship couldn't survive it. He had withdrawn from sex because of a past trauma that he had never shared with me, and refused to get help with. He said some extremely upsetting things that I never got over.

I really truly hope you get a better outcome.

TnBiscuits Mon 10-Aug-15 22:16:09

No its not old.. I was trying to lighten the email...

OttiliaVonBCup Mon 10-Aug-15 22:17:20

And that's what I meant by misunderstanding the tone.

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