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Wise words of encouragement to move on?

(11 Posts)
JustAnotherOP Mon 10-Aug-15 18:39:41

Hi

I know this must be often played out on here but I'm wondering if anyone can offer me some words of encouragement or links or advice about how to move on and stop hating myself?

I've wasted years of my life on a man I should have walked out on probably a few months in. The saying 'when someone shows you who they are the first time, believe them' keeps replaying in my head and I hate myself for not walking sooner.

I've been treated appallingly and I seem to hate myself more than him. How can I just let go and be happy? At the moment even having making a cup of tea seems an achievement.

nequidnimis Mon 10-Aug-15 18:45:24

I think it depends on the nature of the relationship, the circumstances of its ending and how entwined your lives are. Can you tell us any more?

JustAnotherOP Mon 10-Aug-15 19:06:51

Together for roughly 5 years, engaged for a few months. He left abrasively for OW and made my life hell throughout it. I'm struggling to accept and come to terms with what's happened. I feel robbed, cheated and a fool. He doesn't seem to think he's done anything wrong and I keep picking at the same wounds.
Today I went to the shop to buy something and someone who walked passed me told me to 'cheer up love.' I must look like a miserable cow, I know I feel it but I didn't think others could see it too.

nequidnimis Mon 10-Aug-15 19:53:12

Well then you have my absolute sympathy because being left for an OW hurts like nothing else.

Firstly it comes as an enormous shock, and then you grieve for the man and the future you've lost; it is truly traumatic and you shouldn't underestimate what you're going through.

I know it's a cliche but the only thing that helps is time, and distance. Block him, avoid him and mutual friends with gossip, and keep on keeping on.

A friend used this period for self improvement - she wanted to look fabulous and show him what he was missing. By the time she saw him again she didn't care what he thought.

Eventually you'll realise that you've had a near miss. He isn't who you thought he was. He was never capable of putting you first and having your back, as you deserve. You're lucky he revealed his true colours now instead of in ten more years.

And you may also take comfort that his OW will always know she won a cheater, forever checking for signs that he's doing the same to her.

Be dignified. Fake it til you make it. Tell people and take support where you can. One day you'll see what a lucky escape this was.

3mum Mon 10-Aug-15 19:59:39

Hi OP I think feeling like that is pretty normal. I stopped having feelings for my ex H (married 22 years together 30) within a few weeks of finding out he had cheated on me many times over the years. It took me a good 2-3 years to stop flagellating myself over my shitty choice in men, why didn't I see it sooner, the waste of my youth etc.

Eventually even these feelings faded and now I work on trying to be kind to myself and just accept that I was a decent person conned by someone without a conscience.

It has definitely scarred me. I can't see me ever committing to another relationship, but overall life is pretty good and certainly calmer and happier than when I had him picking holes in me all the time whenever he started a new affair.

Life is a journey. You have been through a crappy bit but the journey continues and the future is still one thing to look forward to.

pallasathena Tue 11-Aug-15 11:46:32

Its because you're doubting yourself. You're kicking yourself for not seeing it coming, for not having any belief in your own early warning system or twat radar.

Its very common. Particularly with thoroughly decent people like yourself.

We somehow want to think the best of the men in our lives and doubt ourselves, not them, when they don't step up.

Its mad isn't it?

Let it go. You're human, we're all human and its a human thing to get things wrong sometimes. It doesn't make you a bad person or an idiot. It just means that, hopefully, you've learned a hard lesson and won't let it happen again.

OllyBJolly Tue 11-Aug-15 11:53:28

Excellent posts from others.

You've only been guilty of loyalty to the wrong person- someone who didn't deserve that loyalty. You can and will do a lot better.

You'll get through this.

Norest Tue 11-Aug-15 12:02:24

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I don't have good words myself, but when I was recovering from a really shitty absuive relationship a good friend sent me the link to this poem. Not normally a poetry fan but this one really touched me and inspired me to keep going.

The time will come
when, with elation
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the other's welcome,

and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you
all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.

Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,
the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.

- Derek Walcott

Jan45 Tue 11-Aug-15 12:40:22

You've been through a trauma, it will make you stronger in the end. Use your energy to improve your life now and not dwell on the regrets, the best way to get your life back is to start living it, 5 years isn't a massive chunk of your life, put it down to experience and move on, it's the only way to be able to find happiness.

pocketsaviour Tue 11-Aug-15 14:56:28

Norest that's a lovely poem.

OP so sorry you're going through this. As others have said, time will make things better (which I know isn't hugely helpful right now.)

Can you think of some things which you can keep yourself busy with? Meeting up with friends more often, going to the cinema (I love going on my own!), learning a language or skill you've wanted before but never had the chance, starting to swim or walk or run or dance. If you prefer your own company, starting a long series of books, or a marathon TV series, or a new computer game... anything to keep your mind and hands occupied basically, especially if it's something you haven't done because the ex wouldn't have enjoyed it.

Re you feeling so down on yourself - I fully understand this and I was fuming at myself when my last LTR ended (and like you he went off with an OW although he was a lot kinder about it than I think yours has been.) My main anger was "he's wasted my time!" and "I should have trusted my gut and finished things the previous year! I knew he was a wrong'un!" and - most especially - "Why, why did I lend him several thousand pounds that I'll never see again!?!?"

It was really hard to let go of that anger, it was like a double edged sword in that it was pointing at both of us, and I hated the feeling of the anger too. In the end I just had to write furious emails (which I didn't send) and ranting texts (ditto), and I talked the ears off my sister and several friends. I also spent more time with friends (this was actually easier as I'd moved nearer most of my friends), spent more time with my DS, started a little flower garden in my new place, threw myself into my new job, learned some PHP programming, and bought some new games. It all helped, but I'd say it was probably 4-6 months before I really felt better.

You will get there flowers

JustAnotherOP Tue 11-Aug-15 18:13:46

Thank you all for your words. You're right, it really has been a shock to the system and recovery will, ironically, require time.

Norest, I've copied and pasted that poem, it's lovely.

I can honestly say I don't think I'll ever want to fall in love again. It's horrendous. If this is what someone who claims to love you can do then imagine what someone who doesn't would be capable off.

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