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Why, just why? Friend's fiance

(25 Posts)
MaximiseProductivity Mon 10-Aug-15 15:15:11

I know, it's none of my business but it's better I rant here than at anyone who knows them!

Friend has been ill for months, seen various doctors and done loads of tests which until recently haven't identified the problem.

She was admitted to hospital last week, urgently, as they now believe they know what's wrong. There's a very real possibility she could lose a limb, worst case, this is life threatening.

Her fiancé has gone on holiday. It's a long arranged holiday with his adult DC, his sister and her children. Friend and her (not his) Dc were supposed to go to.

Anyway, apparently his sister and DD are prone to a tantrum and he couldn't not go for fear of upsetting them. So, friend is in hospital alone and terrified and her 92yo Grandmother has her children.

When I say fiancé, I mean there was an engagement party and a ring, but much to friend's disappointment he doesn't appear to have any intention of actually marrying her - they've been engaged for 4 years and live together. Sorry I was trying to stay neutral but there's a long list of reasons I might think this current behaviour is worse than it is.

I know there's nothing I can do except spend some time with her at the hospital and help her GM and I will stay well out of it, but the way I'm feeling it's a good job her DF is out of the country!!

Sorry, this is nothing more than a it possible I'm judging him harshly?

shovetheholly Mon 10-Aug-15 15:20:32

Good lord. All I can say is that she's lucky to have friends like you who are there to support her. He sounds like a proper tool.

Can you drum up support amongst otheir female friends and get a whole posse together, visiting and supporting her?

MaximiseProductivity Mon 10-Aug-15 15:38:06

Thanks shove. Friend is devastated that he didn't stay, but currently "feels sorry for him" because he would have preferred to stay with her and help with her DC but couldn't because of his nasty DD and DSis.....

Optimist1 Mon 10-Aug-15 15:45:12

I agree that if you can organise a rota of her female friends to relieve the GM each afternoon you would be helping out immeasurably. The only 92yo in our family has minimal energy for child care!

His behaviour is selfish in the extreme, but even now he could redeem himself a bit by returning home to do his bit. I can understand you might not feel comfortable being the one to push him in that direction though.

Your friend might see her relationship somewhat differently after this frightening episode - I do hope she makes a good recovery.

tribpot Mon 10-Aug-15 15:49:31

Good. God.

Well, I hope she does see sense and doesn't marry this complete loser.

In the meantime, I agree that the urgent priority is for her not to be alone during a very frightening time and for the grandmother to get some relief help with childcare. My 91 year old grandparents could in no way care for a child and they are still (just about) independent enough to live in their own flat.

Why could he not at least have taken the kids with him if he insisted on going? I mean Jesus!

Hope she makes a full recovery soon.

TendonQueen Mon 10-Aug-15 15:52:42

There's no way going on the holiday is still reasonable. Even if his relatives were as bratty as that, any decent person would say 'Sorry you feel like that, but I need to stay here for X'. He's been a dick.

HerBigChance Mon 10-Aug-15 15:56:57

The bratty relatives will continue to be a problem if they marry; they're just highlighting the problems yet to come.

I agree with PP that your friend's priority is a speedy recovery via a rota of friends. The whole episode sounds frighteneing and I hope she is better soon.

NomNomDePlum Mon 10-Aug-15 15:58:56

i can't imagine a situation in which i would leave my partner alone in hospital with a potentially life changing diagnosis hanging over her to go on holiday. i struggle to see how i could even do it if i didn't love my partner, let alone if i did. that's not even going into ditching her with no childcare in this situation.

hopefully she won't need anyone to guide her to the obvious conclusion, but if i were you i'd be indicating the availability of my support so that it's not difficult for her to make that leap.

SeaCabbage Mon 10-Aug-15 16:04:23

When did she go in to hospital and when did he go away?

Where has he gone and for how long?

Binit Mon 10-Aug-15 16:06:48

Time to bin that wanker.

MaximiseProductivity Mon 10-Aug-15 16:08:25

He went on Saturday, she was admitted the Thursday before. He's in the Med for 10 days.

AspieAndNT Mon 10-Aug-15 16:11:31

How old are the children and where is their Father?

HeyDuggee Mon 10-Aug-15 16:12:40

How did she not say if you pack a bag, make sure it's a big one because like fuck are you coming back to our home.

MaximiseProductivity Mon 10-Aug-15 16:16:25

Ah Aspie, sadly her experience with their father is probably one of the reasons she thinks it's ok to be treated like this. Dc are 10 & 12. Older one has a disability and his father has basically disowned him - it's embarrassing sad angry He does sometimes see the younger one but understandably friend isn't keen to leave him in father's care.

shovetheholly Mon 10-Aug-15 16:35:36

I think I would be SO tempted anonymously to send him a link to this thread (once it is suitably filled with female contempt at his behaviour) grin

UrethraFranklin1 Mon 10-Aug-15 16:37:49

Anyway, apparently his sister and DD are prone to a tantrum and he couldn't not go for fear of upsetting them.

That's convenient. More likely they are perfectly nice and he's using them as an excuse. If he wanted to stay, he would have stayed. He didn't want to.

Offred Mon 10-Aug-15 21:13:47

Jesus what a total twat...

Your poor friend and her poor DC and grandmother. sad

feministwithtitsin Mon 10-Aug-15 21:40:20

What a total prick. There are no words.

Except for prick.

Iflyaway Mon 10-Aug-15 21:45:53

Unbelievable! What a bastard.

AcrossthePond55 Mon 10-Aug-15 21:55:57

At least he's showing his true colours before she marries him! It's obvious who 'comes first' in this life, and it isn't his future wife!

Unfortunately, she's so ill that you can't even 'plant a seed of doubt' in her right now. She doesn't need any added concerns. But I do think that somewhere down the line, when she's recovered, you may want to raise the issues with her.

Griphook Mon 10-Aug-15 22:13:09

Wow, there's is nothing good to be said about him. Poor friend and her dc's

jonrotten Mon 10-Aug-15 22:23:51

Are there any friends who her children could stay with for a while? It's a big ask, but I would look after a friends children in that situation.

Two children of 10 and 12 are far too much for a 92 year old to take on.

MaximiseProductivity Mon 10-Aug-15 22:28:04

Gran lives with friend's parents, so she has help in the evenings, but parents are out at work during the day. The Dcs' friend's parents are helping out by having DCs over as much as possible.

She know exactly what I think of him AcrossthePond, it remains to be seen if this makes her start to agree with me.

jonrotten Mon 10-Aug-15 22:35:06

Oh that's good, I thought the poor grandmother has the children alone.

AyeAmarok Mon 10-Aug-15 22:47:54

Oh this is so upsetting, your poor friend.

I'm glad you're there for her OP.

Why oh why do some women feel like this is all they deserve sad

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