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Being deprived of sleep

(55 Posts)
iamthesonandtheheir Mon 10-Aug-15 13:04:57

My P snores, really loudly. He will not go to the doctor about this and basically thinks that it is my problem. Also, more annoyingly, he asks me to go to bed with him at 10.30pm, which I have told him repeatedly is too early for me. And then I lie there listening to him snoring, getting more and more cross. If I wake him up to tell him to turn over, as he is snoring, he goes to sleep on the sofa, but then goes on about how tired he is all of the next day. If I try and go downstairs to sleep on the sofa then he immediately wakes up and says that he will go, but he starts muttering under his breath that he never gets any sleep etc.

So last night, when he said that he was going to bed at 10.30pm I said that I was staying up for a bit. I could hear him snoring from downstairs so at 11.30 I went and got in my son's bed (who is away at the moment). I had fallen asleep and was woken up by a really loud bang. My P then put the landing light on and then I heard him go downstairs and he was banging around. He then came back upstairs, opened my son's bedroom door and asked me why I hadn't come to bed with him. I told him that he was snoring (again) and that I wanted some sleep. It was half past one by this time.

Then he got up a 6am and started banging around again, the TV was on and he turned it right up. When he left he banged the door.

I am getting really, really fed up with having little or no sleep when I have to get up for work the next day. He's quite happy for me to lie there listening to him snoring but he will not volunteer to go downstairs, even when he wakes himself up.

He is loud anyway, during the day. If he sneezes he has to exaggerate it, he bangs doors, shouts to the cat to get her attention (particularly when I am watching something on the TV), shouts during normal conversation. He knows that I am not a morning person and he insists on endless chatter before he goes to work. I can't explain it but it feels deliberate, as if he is doing it on purpose.

For background we rent together and we have six months left before the tenancy is up. I am seriously contemplating leaving because I can't manage on so little sleep. This happens more or less every night.

Lonelylass1218 Mon 10-Aug-15 13:07:52

I had the exactly same problem but when dp changed his diet to slighty more health and quit smoking snoring want so bad an when it is bad I wake him to put snore strips from boots on

heyday Mon 10-Aug-15 13:11:32

It's crunch time. Tell him straight that if he doesn't try to sort out his snoring problem then you won't be renewing the tenancy and its time for you to go your Separate ways.
Have you tried recording his snoring and playing it back to him so he can maybe just try to understand why you are so angry with him.
You can't go on losing sleep as it negatively affects all aspects of our lives.
It's time to tell him how it is.

julesldn Mon 10-Aug-15 13:11:44

Why is he being so mean about it?? Is he usually like this? :S just seems a really weird way to react to being told he's snoring!

My DP snores from time to time. It definitely increases when his diet isn't very healthy and he's eating lots of dairy and I've also heard those snore strips can helps. Sleeping on his side helps too as well as not drinking alcohol.

To be honest though it doesn't sound like your DP is interested in trying to sort it?! Very odd. Maybe tell him that you're considering leaving because of it as its that bad and see how he reacts then?

CheersMedea Mon 10-Aug-15 13:11:57

ear plugs?

maybe he is doing the other noisy stuff on purpose

Glitteryarse Mon 10-Aug-15 13:12:15

Do you think he could have hearing problems ?

I know sleep deprivation. In my house at night more activity goes in than the day. I had four hours sleep on Saturday because of dd and DP snoring, crying out, coughing, too hot.

Could you go snd stay at a relatives house for a couple of nights for a good sleep then can think about of you feel he is doing it on purpose or not more clearly

pocketsaviour Mon 10-Aug-15 13:18:35

I can't explain it but it feels deliberate, as if he is doing it on purpose.

Yes, that's the impression I'm getting from your post. That he's doing things to annoy you and deprive you of sleep, peace and quiet.

The fact that he's refused to do anything about the snoring would be a deal breaker for me. It couldn't be more blatant that he basically doesn't give a crap about your wellbeing.

I had this with a previous partner who had sleep apnoea and it did get to the point of me having to say "Either we're going to the GP or you're packing your shit and fucking off to your mum's." Ear plugs?! A joke. We lived in an older house with very solid walls, but when he snored you could hear it all the way downstairs through two closed doors.

Morethanyou Mon 10-Aug-15 13:30:59

My ex used to do this ... one of the many reasons why he's an ex! He also had sleep apnea which he refused to get treated as well as the very bad snoring. Tried ear plugs, but I could still hear him and feel the vibrations through the bed! It just "was", therefore not his fault, and absolutely my problem. Didn't care if he kept me awake half the night and absolutely refused to even consider separate rooms. Absolute bliss sleeping on my own in peace and quiet.

flanjabelle Mon 10-Aug-15 13:39:21

At the very least he doesn't give a shit about you getting decent sleep. at worst he is a twisted fucker who doesn't want you to sleep properly.

Neither of those is acceptable.

If you have tried to sort this, and he isn't bending over backwards to make things better for you, ltb. Just do it. Sleep deprivation will drive you insane in the long run.

3littlefrogs Mon 10-Aug-15 13:43:28

It isn't the snoring so much as the nasty, bullying behaviour he is inflicting on you that jumps out at me.

I wouldn't want to stay with someone so rude and inconsiderate.

iamthesonandtheheir Mon 10-Aug-15 13:54:37

Thank you for all of your responses.

It's really starting to get to me and I am just so tired all of the time. I can't win. Every night he falls asleep on the sofa. Then at 10.30 he wants to go to bed and wants me to go with him. If I go to bed at the same time as him, then I can be awake until the early hours of the morning because of the snoring. If I get up to get away from the noise then he gets the arse.

I understand that he can't help the snoring (to an extent, although he could go to the doctors about it) but it's the passive aggressive behaviour that I don't understand. It's as if he doesn't want me to sleep. He knows that he woke me up during the early hours and he was still banging around when he got up, slamming doors, tv blaring etc. Like I said it feels deliberate and I can guarantee that tonight, when we get home from work, it will be my fault.

Glitteryarse Mon 10-Aug-15 14:00:38

op you need a break so you can sleep and then think clearly about what is actually happening.

He could be doing it on purpose or he could have hearing problems (with the talking loudly even when your not in bed) and just generally being a idiot.

Being tired sucks, being sleep deprived fucks you up and can alter the way you think.

If he is doing it on purpose I wouldn't be renewing the lease with him.

3littlefrogs Mon 10-Aug-15 14:08:51

It feels deliberate because it is deliberate.

He is horrible OP. You don't deserve to be treated like this.

cozietoesie Mon 10-Aug-15 14:09:05

It's not the snoring (bad though that is) that would disturb me so much as his attitide towards it and towards you. Is he like this with other problems?

cozietoesie Mon 10-Aug-15 14:09:29


iamthesonandtheheir Mon 10-Aug-15 14:13:28

Glittery, I would love to think that it's a hearing problem but I'm getting the impression that he is doing most of it on purpose. He knows that I like to get up in the morning (particularly when I have had three hours sleep) and not talk very much. I don't ignore him or anything, I just like a bit of quiet chat and a nice brew before work. He talks constantly and loudly, explaining every item on the news, asking me questions, rewinding the TV so I can see something again, so we can discuss it. It is none stop until he leaves for work, in a very loud booming voice. Then he is talking (loudly) to the cat. It seems very attention seeking "look at me and pay some attention to me!!" type of behaviour. If all else fails then he will resort to loud belching and sneezing. He can't stretch his arms out without making loud noises.

On the other hand I know that he usually falls asleep in front of the TV in the evening. I make sure that the TV isn't too loud, I try not to move around too much, even though he usually lies with his legs on me, which become quite heavy after a while. I try to show some consideration of the fact that he is tired.

I would love a break but unfortunately unless I move out I'm not going to get one. I don't have any family in this country and I haven't got anywhere else to sleep.

iamthesonandtheheir Mon 10-Aug-15 14:17:37

I was working out this morning how long I will have to put up with this until I can move out. I've just had enough of it. I know that the loud bang last night was deliberate but when I asked him he said that he didn't know what it was and denied doing it. I don't know what he did to make the noise because I was in the next door bedroom but it was loud enough to wake me up. It sounded like someone had fallen out of bed, but there was no one else in the house.

Glitteryarse Mon 10-Aug-15 14:19:06

Maybe I was clutching at straws but you need sleep to think clearly about want you want. Could you go to a cheap hotel for a night or two ? << wishes I could do the same >>

Maybe you are not suited to each other ?
Initially I would stop your effort of consideration but who wants to be in a relationship where nobody is considerate to each other.

bananamilkshake1 Mon 10-Aug-15 14:19:46

Hi OP, aside from the attitude stuff.....

I am the snorer in my relationship - always have done since I was little. A couple of years ago a friend of mine said she'd got this amazing device from her dentist which had pretty much stopped the snoring. I took the plunge and went to the same dentist to get fitted up for one. It's a top and bottom mouthpiece with wires holding the 2 parts together. Cost me just over £200 but was worth every penny. It pulls my lower jaw slightly forward which seems to clear airways etc. Highly recommended.


Glitteryarse Mon 10-Aug-15 14:20:30

Whst time was the loud bang? Was it early hours?

iamthesonandtheheir Mon 10-Aug-15 14:20:43

Cozie, yes he is like this over lots of things. It's very hard to describe but he brings things up over and over again and then says things like "if you're not going to bite then it's no fun". For example he cooks most nights and I wash up. He goes on and on about cooking but if I offer to do it he says no and then says that he's only mentioning it to wind me up. Stuff like that.

iamthesonandtheheir Mon 10-Aug-15 14:22:08

Yes, the loud bang was at 1.30 this morning. He then came into my son's room (where I was sleeping) and asked why I hadn't come to bed. This was after the bang and him putting the landing light on, banging around downstairs and then coming back up again. He seemed determined to wake me up.

Glitteryarse Mon 10-Aug-15 14:22:19

Fuck that op!

He is a head fucker! Start saving and looking for some where else wine

tiredvommachine Mon 10-Aug-15 14:22:47

For your own physical and mental health, you need out of this iam
it's not normal behaviour at all.

iamthesonandtheheir Mon 10-Aug-15 14:23:28

It's funny that you mention the wine. It's the only time I get more that three hours sleep!

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