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What Would You Do?

(16 Posts)
Katie2001 Mon 10-Aug-15 11:14:21

Interested to know from this community what the consensus is. Not sure if it belongs in relationships, please moderators move it if not. At the end of last year I found out that someone I had been seeing, also had another girlfriend. I know I shouldn't have looked at her profile on Facebook, but I did and it was all about how happily in love she was etc etc. A few of my friends have said they would have contacted her and told her. I didn't want to do that for the following reasons:

1 The pain I felt when I found out was awful, I wouldn't want to inflict that on someone else.

2 Their relationship is not my business, he might cheat again but that's not my worry.

3 He could easily paint me as a nutty stalker who has made the whole thing up.

Does MN agree?

ARV1981 Mon 10-Aug-15 11:25:19

TBH I think I would do the same as you, and for the same reasons.

Not sure if that's the 'right' thing to do or not, but it's what I think I'd do.

Don't look at he fb again, block him and move on. You deserve better.

Katie2001 Wed 12-Aug-15 16:05:04

Thank you.

Louisa2412xx Wed 12-Aug-15 16:59:18

I wouldn't say anything she will find out 1 day what he is like.

Pasflo Wed 12-Aug-15 17:02:08

I would tell her. Don't get involved in a big dramatic exchange but just simply message the facts. I have been the ignorant one and it's not a nice position to be in.

BoredAdminGirl Wed 12-Aug-15 17:04:02

How did you find out her name?

Katie2001 Wed 12-Aug-15 17:18:41

It was Facebook, I had a feeling something was up and eventually she tagged him in a post saying 'at last she could tell everyone'.

cocobean2805 Wed 12-Aug-15 18:18:53

I think you did the right thing for you. Kept your dignity and stayed away.

OneDayWhenIGrowUp Wed 12-Aug-15 20:54:37

Honestly, I'd have sent a message to this woman, just stating facts, with a friendly tone, and saying I could answer any questions about specific timing etc if she wanted. Mainly because that's what I'd want if I was in her position- I don't think ignorance is bliss.

You wouldn't have been inflicting any pain on her- your two-timing ex was. I wouldn't mind if he painted me as a loon- it's be up to her to judge the facts anyway.

But- I don't think there's a right or wrong here at all. You have to look after yourself and your own emotional health first, and if that meant not contacting her, so be it.

Katie2001 Thu 13-Aug-15 09:26:08

Thanks all, good points, particularly the one about emotional health.

echidna1 Thu 13-Aug-15 10:35:56

Hi Katie2001
This is what happened to me.....

We were in email contact, we made plans to meet up then the emails stopped abruptly. My sis in law is a sleuth and she found him on FB via his very evident GF - a lovely pic of them taken when we were due to meet up and all the comments saying how lovely and happy they looked yadda yadda.

It was awful, but I made myself look at it. I actually felt sorry for her - in another life i'm sure we could have been friends; she is my type! And this is the point.....that picture showed me his other life
What happens is entirely up to them and in your case I would steer well clear.

It is very hard.....I can only imagine how you must have felt as you had started a relationship with him. It was bad enough for me having already invested but I'm so relieved that we hadn't met - that would've been truly awful.

Bloody internet - FB does have its uses in that it is easier to catch out the unscrupulous but it also allows the unscrupulous to have have even more cake! grin

Katie2001 Thu 13-Aug-15 10:53:00

Thanks Echidna, I should have trusted my judgement and not met up with him, nor indulged his messaging traffic which carried on even after I'd found out. I did have to restrain myself from posting on a picture of his girlfriend, taken the day he'd cancelled seeing me 'because his mother needed help' saying ' your mother looks well'. Lesson learned!

echidna1 Thu 13-Aug-15 11:09:01

It is soooo tempting, isn't it? But ultimately futile-you wouldn't get the closure you would seek.

A year later and I got the 'Hello Stranger' email (and that was all it said) to which I replied (after a while) 'Indeed.....Stranger Than Fiction'
Obviously not what he was expecting to hear. NEXT!

So, you had a feeling that something wasn't quite right before you even met up?

OLD fills me with absolute dread because I worry that my bullshit radar is a bit wonky....but I have to dust myself down and get back out there.....

Katie2001 Thu 13-Aug-15 11:14:29

Yes, I don't know what it was that made me suspicious, but he chased and chased and I had to tell myself to trust him. He wasn't from an OLD site, I went to school with him 25 years ago and I may have been a bit swept away with the potential romance of it. I fully expect to hear from him sometime in the future.
OLD fills me with dread too - sometimes it's easy to weed them out (a new message last night read 'I be your boyfriend babe') but the bullshit radar definitely has to be on point.

echidna1 Thu 13-Aug-15 11:27:17

That's very funny.....babe! I've also been told of the 'Forces Scam' that's going around and I'm sure there are more....

At the moment I'm only vicariously OLD through Stella Grey who writes for the Guardian (sorry, rubbish with linking) I'm much older (53) grin

Katie2001 Thu 13-Aug-15 11:42:18

I'll have to check out Stella Grey, thanks. I am 47 so a bit older than perhaps the average On Line Dater.

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