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Husband broke the kitchen bin

(45 Posts)
MsPhoebeCaulfield Sun 09-Aug-15 20:47:48

Which sounds ridiculous but he did it in anger, he smashed it. Then he shouted at me for buying shit bin bags which split and spilt the contents of the bin on the floor. I know this isn't a normal reaction. I've told him I want him to leave. He says he won't. I have a nine month old baby in bed. He won't do anything else, he'll just sulk in another room, but this isn't the first time he's done this (although it is the first time in a long time) and I don't want to bring my child up thinking this is normal. I'll sleep in the baby's room tonight but don't know how to approach the fact that he needs to leave tomorrow or I will.

I'd really like it if someone could just tell me I'll get through this.

VulcanWoman Sun 09-Aug-15 21:00:50

Do you think he would go to counselling or is that just out of the question.

KetchupIsNearlyAVegetable Sun 09-Aug-15 21:02:18

You don't need to broach it with him. Do you have a place to go? If so, you just leave. Maybe phone Women's Aid.

Hellionandfriends Sun 09-Aug-15 21:02:52

Tell us more

Do you feel safe?

cozietoesie Sun 09-Aug-15 21:06:34

You'll get through it but you need to ensure your own and the baby's safety first. Do you have somewhere you can go and you can phone Women's Aid from there?

FuzzyWizard Sun 09-Aug-15 21:11:21

I grew up with a dad like this... It was horrible. Speak to women's aid. They will be able to give you good practical advice. I'd be inclined tomorrow to just calmly tell him that you won't both be staying in the house, if he doesn't leave you will and just see what he says. If my dad was anything to go by he'll variously cry, say it'll never happen again, tell you you're overreacting, tell you you're not like his friends wives, cry some more, promised he's learned his lesson and then do it all again a couple of weeks later. If he really kicks off call the police! You don't want that to be your life or your child's... Trust me!

MsPhoebeCaulfield Sun 09-Aug-15 21:12:03

Thank you all so much for replying. I'm safe, he'd never do anything to me, I've just had enough of his temper flaring up.

MsPhoebeCaulfield Sun 09-Aug-15 21:14:12

He would never hurt the baby either, which I know is such a trite and naive thing to say. I'm mortified I'm in this situation.

MsPhoebeCaulfield Sun 09-Aug-15 21:15:23

Vulcan - I hadn't thought of counselling. I'd sort of assumed the problem was his to solve rather than mine if that makes sense?

DoItTooJulia Sun 09-Aug-15 21:16:06

what about gathering up the stuff that you need? Like passports, birth certs, bank info, all that kind of stuff. And a bag in case he won't go so at least you and ds have the essentials?

Might keep you busy?

flowers

cozietoesie Sun 09-Aug-15 21:18:18

...I'm safe, he'd never do anything to me...

...He would never hurt the baby either...om

Don't take a chance with either of you. There are plenty of women out there who probably thought the same and are now regretting it.

FuzzyWizard Sun 09-Aug-15 21:18:24

My dad never hit my mum either but our lives were hell. Constantly walking on eggshells and dealing with that sort of behaviour (smashing things, shouting, completely irrationally blaming everyone else for everything that goes wrong ever) takes a toll on you. It wears you down and has left me and my siblings with various anxiety-related issues.
I think you're awesome for drawing a line over it! I wish my mum had done the same.

cozietoesie Sun 09-Aug-15 21:19:03

I have no idea what that 'om' is. I blame the cat.

orangina Sun 09-Aug-15 21:19:30

I think he needs to acknowledge that his anger is an issue that requires his attention and (if you are prepared to give it), your support.

That reaction you described isn't normal and shouldn't be brushed under the carpet as such. I don't see why it should have to descend to actual physical violence (to you) for it to be unacceptable..... it is already unacceptable and you shouldn't have to live with it. Or your child.

goddessofsmallthings Sun 09-Aug-15 21:20:44

You WILL get through it, honey, and you'll find all the support you need here.

As advised, make contact with your local Women's Aid offices and make it clear to your h that if he doesn't leave, you will.

If he's prepared to attend counselling/anger management classes would you be willing to put him to the test afterwards with a view to continuing your marriage, or have you had enough of his temper tantrums which will escalate if he doesn't take steps to remedy his violent behaviour and may cause intentional or accidental harm to you/your dc?

www.womensaid.org.uk

MsPhoebeCaulfield Sun 09-Aug-15 21:23:14

Julia - yes, I'll do that. Doing some tidying to keep busy too. Can't pack DD's things because they're in her room but there's nothing that can't be bought later on if needs be.

Fuzzy - thank you, I know you're completely right. A lot of H's issues could be linked to his parents and I don't want to screw up DD's in the same way.

It just makes me feel like a fool - I'm part of a teaching team that talks to young women about how to avoid these situations and here I am.

FuzzyWizard Sun 09-Aug-15 21:24:30

I don't think it's your responsibility to suggest counselling etc. I'd tell him to leave and if he gets his act together, seeks counselling and behaves reasonably that will tell you he's a better man than his current behaviour suggests. If he goes to counselling because you've given him that ultimatum then I'm not sure it'll work.

MsPhoebeCaulfield Sun 09-Aug-15 21:29:58

I do love him (I'm a sap, clearly) and I don't want him to leave but I care about DD more. If he seeks counselling/anger management then I'd give it another chance but I'm not bringing a child up in an unhappy home.

Of course, it's easier saying that here than it is to him.

cozietoesie Sun 09-Aug-15 21:30:17

Goodness - you're not a fool. You've seen what's happening (which is what many youngsters don't) but just don't know how to get out of it when it's actually happening. Try Women's Aid - we all need some help in real life from time to time.

PrincessTheresaofLiechtenstein Sun 09-Aug-15 21:32:34

OP, I had this too when I was growing up. My father didn't hurt me when I was nine months old, and I believe he hit my mother "only" twice, but I was hit from 4 years old onwards and had all the stuff Fuzzy describes going on... It only gets worse, believe me. I hope knowing you are doing the right thing will help you get through.

VulcanWoman Sun 09-Aug-15 21:33:21

Ms, yes the anger is his fault but if he is willing to try that, you'll know he's willing to try and change.

TopOfTheCliff Sun 09-Aug-15 21:34:55

Don't consider joint counselling with this abusive man because he will use it against you and it won't improve the situation. Either he acknowledges his fault and seeks help or you split up. Nothing else will help your DD grow up in a strife free home.

FuzzyWizard Sun 09-Aug-15 21:36:56

Princess- yep we were hit too as children sad

PenelopePitstops Sun 09-Aug-15 21:38:18

You aren't a fool. I've never been in this situation but I think of you have the opportunity you should leave.

Even if it's for a while, even if you have counselling and resolve it.

Of you leave it sends a clear 'this is not acceptable' message to him.

Look after yourself flowers

VulcanWoman Sun 09-Aug-15 21:39:17

Do you feel like you are walking on egg shells with him? Can you not bring up certain subjects with him either?

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