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recently spilt up with ds2 dad...still living with him...he doesn't think he's done anything wrong....I am crumbling

(11 Posts)
glasshouses88 Sun 09-Aug-15 19:15:13

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bogeyface Sun 09-Aug-15 19:35:18

The very fact that he refuses to discuss it or take any responsibility for the split proves you did the right thing.

If he was really interested in sorting things out and wanted your marriage to work he would talk to you, accept his shortcomings and you would work together to improve things. But he isnt. He is basically saying that if you dont get back in your box and shut the fuck up then its all your fault.

Dont feel guilty, you know you are doing the right thing otherwise you wouldnt have done it. You dont need justification, you just need a reason and you have one - He is an arse.

glasshouses88 Sun 09-Aug-15 19:41:38

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FeelTheNoise Sun 09-Aug-15 19:45:12

Is he moving out soon?

Agree that you don't need to accept his decision to make you shoulder full responsibility for the situation. I'm in a similar situation, with XP fully blaming me for breaking up with him; completely forgetting I have begged for change for months now, and made it completely clear I would not continue as we were. Fuck him, he had months in which to listen, compromise and support me better, and he chose not to.

glasshouses88 Sun 09-Aug-15 20:05:36

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

eepie Sun 09-Aug-15 21:51:05

Just want to say I feel similar...I have just separated from my DD's Dad...he has moved out to live at his Mum's house and is suddenly being super nice...I'm not sure of his motivation for this..whether he truly feels guilty for how he has treated me and his behaviour or whether he just wants to try and do the best by DD or whether he doesn't want to ruin his reputation in his family or our close friends by behaving like a dick. My ex was violent towards me during an argument, we had other problems but ultimately this was why I left him. He still, in therapy, did not take responsibility for this incident and instead minimised what what happened, blamed it on me for 'making him angry' and 'pushing his buttons'. He says he doesn't subscribe to my view of why the relationship ended....and that we just weren't compatible and that I had my part to play in it too. I find myself feeling very guilty that I have mad the decision to separate and break up our family...I have to remind myself on a daily basis how awful he was to me, destructive, dismissive, disrespectful, impatient, mocking, rude, mean and arrogant he really is/was. I question my judgement every day and my decision...especially now he is being so nice. But I just have to keep telling myself that he will not take responsibility for his actions and he will not change...he shows little willingness to change and instead is just accepting the break up rather easily it seems. I think it actually suits him better this way and he has been sabotaging our relationship and pushing me away for a long time.
If my ex was behaving how your ex is behaving though I would probably be a lot surer of my decision...it sounds like he is really being an unpleasant twat.
I don't know what happened between you two but it sounds like you might have been in an abusive relationship ? Emotionally and verbally abusive ?
You need to get him to move out...you need space. I am finding it hard enough to live in my ex's house (my new place not ready until end of Sept but at least I have found somewhere) and still being around all his stuff/our stuff/ all the memories of us.... it's so sad and suffocating...I can't start a new life like this. And I still see him almost every day cos he comes round to see DD. It sucks. Can't imagine having to live with him too....you poor thing !
Just wanted to say I feel your pain anyway and I feel the same....It's a really hard limbo time right now but I think things will be better when we can start a new life...and have space to breathe and move on...
If you want to talk about what happened then please do - here you need these:
wine flowers

glasshouses88 Sun 09-Aug-15 22:41:20

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

eepie Sun 09-Aug-15 23:05:17

Yes...you know what you're right....I think he thinks if he just shows me that really he is being lovely and nice...then I will think 'oh, he's right...it was just me....he's actually lovely & I want him back!' But I know his true colours ! You can't come back from that. Especially not without a proper apology or a commitment to never treat you like that again, neither of which I got. It's good to hear someone leaving over DV was that wasn't necessarily a punch or whatever because sometimes it's easy to believe their excuses - THEY certainly can believe their own excuses - if it wasn't actually like a punch or a kick or a slap....My ex grabbed me hard by the arms and threw me onto the bed. Then went out of the room, came back and I was sitting on the end of the bed crying, he told me to move, I said no and so he bent down, grabbed my arms again and threw me onto my side of the bed. The next morning I told him what he had done was DV...that I had bruises on my arms...That he hurt me and frightened me...I expected him (Because of the 'lovely' person he can be) to get down on his knees and beg for forgiveness and apologise profusely, and regret it and say he was sorry and it will never happen again. But instead he was just annoyed at me!! Said I pushed his buttons. He said 'Sorry I had to move you onto a soft bed' - completely minimising what happened/in denial over what he did. I saw in his eyes and body language that he was severely holding himself back from hitting me or shoving me more...he lost it...and I didn't feel safe that next time he wouldn't go further than this. Although have learned from speaking to people that even what he did was too far...and getting some perspective...it is too far. It was pure and simple, him losing his shit and taking his aggression out on me, physically. Nothing more, nothing less." He made it sound like he just moved me, and in his head now I am sure that is all he believes he did as he has blocked it out...he said this in therapy..he totally spoke about it as if it was a non-issue ! Like 'Oh yeah, well, that? Yeah I just moved you onto the bed' I was thinking in my head.."Right...I weigh 11 stone...You have pretty much no biceps...If you wanted to move me, and I didn't want to be moved, you wouldn't have been able to move me, without a LOT of force.' So he did use a LOT of force. I tried to resist being moved and I shouted at the time 'get off me, get off me!' then he came back into the room AND DID IT AGAIN ! So he can hardly say he just moved me onto the bed then...I was already sitting on the bed ! He was throwing his weight around that's what he was doing.

Anyway ....!! With your 2nd partner...wow...I mean that sounds really rough.. like a lot of deception...It sounds like he wants to be living a different life. That is calculated cheating and travelling to a different country with condoms to meet up with women ??? Wow. I could not get over that. You poor thing. Were you going with him on this trip or he went on his own? I'm just so glad you found the evidence and realised what he was up to. You really have done the right thing in leaving him, he sounds very shady and deceitful and he's unfaithful or at least was planning to be, and would have been in the end. You deserve better. He wants something outside of the marriage, and so for the reason he doesn't get to be in a marriage with you any more !! Very simple ! Don't feel guilty. He knew what he was doing and what the possible consequences would be when he made these choices to behave like that, and he's getting the consequences now. You will be better off...Hope you manage to find somewhere soon and try and mentally detach yourself from his horrible energy that is making you tense. Just take yourself off somewhere inside your head to your new life and live there in your head for a while so that your currently reality doesn't seem real anymore and it seems like just your past which you're about to move on from...if that makes sense? That's what I'm trying to do...trying to just imagine myself in my new house & what furniture I'm going to put in it, imagining myself in the kitchen cooking dinner for my DD, her waiting in the highchair....me putting her to bed in new house and just chilling out in my own space. Imagining having my friends over for dinner or my Mum to stay for a few days...meeting someone new (in my head he looks like James Franco) and sharing cosy glasses of wine on the sofa together in my new place..then my ex babysitting whilst I go and meet my new bf at a party....etc etc ! I'm mentally escaping even if I can't physically be there yet ! haha. And it's all positive projections for what I want to happen in my future. grin wink

eepie Sun 09-Aug-15 23:06:40

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

eepie Sun 09-Aug-15 23:11:37

SOrry about double posts and spelling mistakes etc..trying to write quickly as gotta get to bed soon !! xx

glasshouses88 Mon 10-Aug-15 09:41:24

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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