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How do I find out the truth ?

(155 Posts)
AmINeedy Sun 09-Aug-15 18:18:46

I've been with my partner for over two years.
We live in separate houses as we both like where we live,we stay at each other's houses and planning to merge into one house together.

Today for the first time in 12 months I thought to look through my other halves phone just as curiosity and not expecting to see anything other than when he's meeting to play golf or meet his mates to go to the pub.
There was a number he'd text,no name ,the text said he'd had to leave to travel to South Wales for work today instead of tomorrow..he asked the recipe ant " when are you back next and do you stay in the same place" followed by a name and 4 digit number.
I googled the name and number and a site called FABGUYS.COM came up associated with the same name and number. I clicked on the same name and the person lived in the same area as my oartner ,similar height( he's exceptionally tall) and age. WHAT ARE THE CHANCES OF THAT.

I am not sure what to do as 1, I shouldn't have looked in his phone and 2, I need more evidence before I confront him without looking like a fool and just incase I am a complete bunny boiler,I don't want to look stupid.
Any advice on how to get concrete evidence or ways to find out properly is really whist I'd like advice on please xx

OP’s posts: |
Walkacrossthesand Sun 09-Aug-15 18:23:50

What kind of site is I don't want to contaminate my search history with it if it's dodgy...

nozzz Sun 09-Aug-15 18:26:32

What triggered you to look through his phone exactly?

ImperialBlether Sun 09-Aug-15 18:31:19

It's a pick up site for gay and bisexual men.

ImperialBlether Sun 09-Aug-15 18:32:20

I'm sorry you're in this position but you only have one option, don't you?

eurogoose Sun 09-Aug-15 18:35:28

Isn't this the same man that isn't having sex with you?

I think (not looked at it but don't need to!) is the explanation to all the issues you've posted about previously.
Sorry OP.

Brambles35 Sun 09-Aug-15 18:37:37

A bit of a long winded thing to do but if you need extra evidence.....set up a fake profile on that site and message the name/number that could be your DP and ask some questions about tattoos or something? That would identify him?

AmINeedy Sun 09-Aug-15 18:40:41

My option is to find proof to back me up really.
So far I have a message on a phone to a phone number,the message was signed an odd name and number.
I thought I'd google the name and number and it came up as being used as a name associate with this site.
I need more to confront him for certain.
Why did I look in his phone , purely was waiting for him to come out of the shower and I thought I wonder what he chats to his mates about so I was Nosey , been with him over 2 years and only looked twice as I'd trust him with my life lol
There's been no sex with us in this relationship ,which is another story but could be relevant now.
I just need to get real confirmation first,how can I get real confirmation ? X

OP’s posts: |
ImperialBlether Sun 09-Aug-15 18:41:02

Yes, OP, I've just looked at your other threads and (besides being boggle eyed as to why you want this man) I think you have your answer right in front of you.

AmINeedy Sun 09-Aug-15 18:42:44

I'm guessing now you are right.
I have opened a fake profile as we speak, only can't see how I can stand out so he contacts me?
If I'm getting this wrong I'll look a complete bunny boiler ? Xx

OP’s posts: |
AmINeedy Sun 09-Aug-15 18:46:49

ImperialBlether I agree but I still need to have concrete evidence to confront him first .
Were both in our 50,s so I accepted his EDF and didn't push it because I'm soft and didn't want him to feel bad,if I've dealt with it wrong and this is going on then I'm confronting him after this. X

OP’s posts: |
afink Sun 09-Aug-15 18:47:45

Oh goodness. It doesn't look good, does it? I'm guessing that this completely explain the erectile dysfunction etc.

AmINeedy Sun 09-Aug-15 18:51:14

Possibly but it's hard to see my man in this site as he's openly against this kind of thing,now wondering if it was a smoke screen as he knew I am open minded about peoples sexualities and I hate discrimination of any sort.
I just need to find out for certain x

OP’s posts: |
eurogoose Sun 09-Aug-15 19:08:36

OP I remembered your from your thread several months ago, which is why I brought up the lack of sex.

I haven't looked again for your old threads but Im sure I remember that There are many issues in your relationship. This is just another.
I'm not sure I understand why you 'need more evidence' of his possibly being gay/bi, given everything else.

I'm sorry this has happened but don't be in denial about the state of your relatinship.
there are lots of men who marry/cohabit knowing that they're gay. Especially our age group (50's) and upwards. We grew up with stigma and prejudice around homosexuality and it can be very difficult for someone of our age to be out, so they hide behind a heterosexual relationship. And frequently that heterosexual relationship has lots of problems.
Him being 'openly against' gay men means nothing, quite the reverse in fact.

There are support groups for women who make discoveries like this. Please don't be afraid to reach out to them and continue to get support here at MN.

Bogeyface Sun 09-Aug-15 19:15:04

it's hard to see my man in this site as he's openly against this kind of thing

And he probably thinks that he is, because he hates the fact that he is gay. He wants to be straight, so he thinks straight, acts straight and tries to be straight. He probably hates himself after these hook ups, but cant deny his true sexuality completely and so will always go back.

You need to finish this relationship, you have needed to do this for a long time, I remember your other threads and this relationship is not good for either of you. That said, perhaps confronting him the evidence that you know he is gay and is cheating on you may make him confront it within himself and come to terms with it.

ThreeSpike Sun 09-Aug-15 19:20:33

No need to gather evidence and confront him. Just leave him - you can tell him why. No point in being in this sort of relationship. Good job you don't live together. In any case in the long term you can still be mates if you get on.

goddessofsmallthings Sun 09-Aug-15 19:38:09

I still need to have concrete evidence to confront him first

You don't need to have concrete evidence of your prying as you can spare his blushes, and your own, by simply telling him that the relationship is no longer working for you and you wish him well for the future.

As it's Sunday perhaps a few choruses of Hallelujah it was a celibate affair and you don't have to take yourself to a GUM clinic wouldn't go amiss.

ICantThinkOfAUsernameH Sun 09-Aug-15 19:43:33

If I was in your situation id ask outright - better to do that then waste any time.
But then without proof he could deny it! Good luck with whatever you decide flowers

AmINeedy Sun 09-Aug-15 19:56:44

We do get on were really good together and really close and a good reason nit to throw the towel in until I'm certain it's him on the website.
I can see why most think I should get up and go now but for my own mind I need to see him actually linked to this name and number and yes I am probably going to have to face him and see his reaction instead.

I only wanted advice as to how I can get real proof he is this person on the website?

OP’s posts: |
goddessofsmallthings Sun 09-Aug-15 20:18:11

I would have thought that mention of his profile on if he asks why you're calling it a day will give you all the proof you need.

On the other hand, if you're happy in a sexless relationship why not just carry on until he finds the courage to come out which I very much doubt will happen in the near future, if ever?

textfan Sun 09-Aug-15 20:24:02

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GarminGirl Sun 09-Aug-15 20:26:33

Message him, say hi. You might have a long wait otherwise

Moojay Sun 09-Aug-15 20:31:19

Amineedy, might I suggest just asking him outright?
Just say something along the lines of what you've written here that you were looking through his phone being a tad nosey and saw the message and want to know what it is.
All the umming and ahhing and trying to find pointless evidence is a waste of both of your times.
Best wishes.

eurogoose Sun 09-Aug-15 20:40:37

We do get on were really good together and really close and a good reason nit to throw the towel in until I'm certain it's him on the website

I disagree. Anyone who needs to write threads such as the ones you've written here previously is NOT in a good relationship.
Painful to see such denial.

eurogoose Sun 09-Aug-15 20:42:08

It will be interesting to hear what excuse he comes up with about the phone.

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