Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

domestic violence an social work involvement

(89 Posts)
mumtoaprince Sun 09-Aug-15 18:12:21

hi im posting this for a friend she was recently attacked by her partner resulting in a concussion this happened after a night out so both were drunk and this was the first time its happened and he was arrested, social services came out to see her they checked her fridge, cupboard and kids bedrooms she spoke to her 3year old daughter and asked her to show her tooth brush and asked her if she was scared (kids were not in house when the incident happened) she also said that her youngest should not have a pillow in his cot even tho he's almost 2, she has also stated that her partner is not allowed in the house when kids r there and he has to be supervised by his mum when he wants to c them........... personally i think this social worker is taking things to far as she was the victim and she now feels like there making her out to be a bad parent....has anyone else had a similar situation????

ArseForElbow Sun 09-Aug-15 18:14:35

Yes, I got an interim interdict taken out against my husband and had him removed from the house, otherwise SS would have wanted to become involved in our lives.

mumtoaprince Sun 09-Aug-15 18:22:12

the incident happened just over a week ago and he hasnt been back in the house since and yet ss have treated her like this

afreshstartplease Sun 09-Aug-15 18:23:50

I don't see what they have done wrong tbh

They have to treat all cases with caution

Checking children have warmth shelter and food is basic ss stuff I believe

PotteringAlong Sun 09-Aug-15 18:26:13

Treated her like what? Their responsibility is to the children, not her and if she hasn't kicked him out they need to make sure she can keep them safe.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Sun 09-Aug-15 18:26:22

They were both drunk when the assault occurred. it's this fact which is making SS interested in whether the children are being neglected. If the home was clean and orderly, food in the cupboards, and clean linens on their beds then they are likely not being neglected due to the parents being piss-heads. SS don't have the time or the inclination to assign blame to either parent, but are solely concerned with the children's safety and security. if your friend is feeling judged then she needs to examine her relationship with alcohol as well as the one she has with the partner.

"She has also stated that her partner is not allowed in the house when kids r there and he has to be supervised by his mum when he wants to c them"

If SS had judged her and found her wanting you can be absolutely certain that both parents would be seeing the children under the same conditions.

LIZS Sun 09-Aug-15 18:27:41

In cases of dv there is often abuse and manipulation going on behind the scenes which is not readily apparent and is difficult for the victim to admit. There may be a fear that he will return, perhaps insist on unsupervised access by making threats to her in which case a safeguarding protocol will be followed. Your opinion is not what is important, support your friend and encourage her to cooperate with ss and the police if they are investigating with a view to prosecuting.

goddessofsmallthings Sun 09-Aug-15 18:30:53

You do know that concussion can cause permanent brain damage and worse, don't you?

I think the social worker has done her job in an exemplary manner.

Why do you and your 'friend' think otherwise?

mumtoaprince Sun 09-Aug-15 18:31:20

ok people r obviously not understanding me they had the kids minded for the night so him and her went out which every parent does every once in a while so no they r not piss heads unfortunatly things turned nasty and now she is being treated like she has done something wrong

ArseForElbow Sun 09-Aug-15 18:35:40

Just because they had the kids minded for the night doesn't mean this doesn't happen often, the police were doing their jobs now SS need to do theirs, it's the way the system works.

SaskiaRembrandtWasFramed Sun 09-Aug-15 18:38:19

She isn't being treated like she's done something wrong. Social services have a duty to protect her children. They need to be sure she is not going to let this man be alone with them, or allow him to live in the house. They also have to make sure that this incident isn't part of a wider problem.

mumtoaprince Sun 09-Aug-15 18:39:29

i never said i didnt understand how serious her injuries r what im saying is that she was the victim and ss have came into her house and made her feel like the abuser for example checking the kids have tooth brushes, checking she has food,checking there bedrooms, saying that her youngest shouldnt have a pillow in his cot and questioning her 3 year old

PotteringAlong Sun 09-Aug-15 18:39:34

But she isn't being treated like she's done something wrong! Social services are checking the welfare of the children. They're not interested in the rights or wrongs of it.

I think it's you not understanding us, not the other way around.

PotteringAlong Sun 09-Aug-15 18:40:38

X post.

So what do you think social services should have done? Said "ah well, I'm sure it's ok" and done nothing? Really?

Costacoffeeplease Sun 09-Aug-15 18:41:29

I think people are understanding perfectly well.

In the circumstances, your friend may well need extra support, only by checking everything out will social workers know that the children are well cared for.

Given the many cases where abused or neglected children slip through the net, we should all be glad that the childrens' safety is being made a priority

The best way to help your friend is to encourage her to work with the agencies involved (police/SS) and to take any help she is offered

Offred Sun 09-Aug-15 18:41:29

She isn't being treated like she has done something wrong at all. Her partner seriously attacked her, they are simply checking the children are ok and that the abuse in the family does not extend into the children's lives. That's their job. What would you/her have them do?

Kewcumber Sun 09-Aug-15 18:42:42

People who give their partners concussion don't tend to be able to turn it off in other situations so social services are being careful. Would you rather they took the attitude that being given concussion by your partner is fine and dandy? confused

Children who are exposed to domestic violence suffer, they don;t have to be hit to be damaged by it.

I am 50, I have been single all my life, I have had various partners not one of them has ever given me concussion or even come close. It is unusual behaviour and one SS see all the time and it's generally not a sign of a happy stable relationship where everything is going swimmingly.

Offred Sun 09-Aug-15 18:45:29

The one year old shouldn't really have a pillow either, one year old children young enough to sleep in a cot shouldn't have a pillow which is a suffocation risk BUT no-one has made this small piece of advice, on something fairly trivial, into a big thing apart from you or her. It's not nice any of it but she should be angry with the person who gave her a concussion and not the people who have to check on her DC welfare as a result.

Kewcumber Sun 09-Aug-15 18:45:38

And if all is fine and dandy here and he's generally a prince of a man hmm then tell her to do what social services ask and they'll be satisfied in time.

Personally I wouldn;t let a man who gave me concussion anywhere near my children unsupervised.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight Sun 09-Aug-15 18:46:24

I really can't see what your issue is here
She has a partner who has been extremely violent to her. They need to be sure the children won't be exposed to any violence in future.
By the way the supervised contact won't be forever, just awhile they do an assessment and make recommendations about work they can both do to reduce the risk.

afreshstartplease Sun 09-Aug-15 18:47:14

Ss have to do basic things like check for food and toothbrushes

Fair enough your friends dc may have those things
Others do not

If ss don't check, how do you expect them to know

Findtheoldme Sun 09-Aug-15 18:49:04

OP, you are so missing the point. SS are aware this man physically abuses the woman. They are making sure he isn't abusing the kids as well by denying them food, a proper bedroom and toothbrushes, etc.

NerrSnerr Sun 09-Aug-15 18:52:15

They are not blaming her they are just checking the children are safe. I imagine that children of men who beat up their wives are more likely to be neglected.

MrsHathaway Sun 09-Aug-15 18:52:24

It sounds to me as though SS are trying to protect your friend and her children. They obviously thought the house was pretty safe although it must have felt intrusive at the time. Of course he shouldn't have unsupervised contact, and of course your friend shouldn't provide the supervision.

An under-two doesn't need a pillow (proportionally big head still) so the suffocation risk outweighs the aesthetic benefit. I imagine it was a throwaway comment and she must be doing very well if that's the only remark they made about the house! Reassuring surely!

Good luck to her. You can support her in staying away from him. Their relationship is no good for either of them nor for the children, even if he isn't the kind of violent brute who belongs in prison.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted Sun 09-Aug-15 18:54:06

"ok people r obviously not understanding me they had the kids minded for the night so him and her went out which every parent does every once in a while so no they r not piss heads unfortunately things turned nasty and now she is being treated like she has done something wrong"

What would you have the police do? Know that violence has taken place where children live and not mentioned it to anyone? Social Services don't know the parents. They don't know that this was a first occurence of violence in the childrens' home. Often where physical abuse happens, it's not the first time and not always when the children are absent. it's sometimes a pattern, which is why the children were questioned and asked if they were afraid.

I think SS have behaved in an exemplary fashion but if it suits your friend to present herself as a victim, then so be it.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: